To take our minds off Recessions and Global Warming!

It used to be easier to go places with only 2 dogs.


The pumpkin patch!


Drive around states like Colorado and go to locales like Panguitch and Bakersfield.


And Tonopah. To collect junk around old mine shafts and go to ghost towns. And roadside rock museums! And houses in caves!

Now with 4 dogs, and one of them sickly and demented and blind and deaf, it's hard to just take a road trip. And with a much bigger business than I used to have. Like no days off, even though I'm my own boss. But lately, that's all I want to do. Just get in the car and drive to Death Valley and look for ghost towns. Then just keep going around Utah and Nevada and drive around to deserted towns and find compounds and junk and mine shafts and stay in motels that look Batesy, yet not infested or ax murdery. Eat a lot of biscuits at diners with lots of taxidermy and let the dogs run around the desert.

I think this was all back in the day of before dog shows. Definitely before 4 dogs. My next exciting vacation will be an exciting trip to Motel 6 in Madera in a few weeks for one day of dog showing, then driving home. Sandwiched between work. Maybe I shouldn't be blaming this on all the dogs.

Did you get the license plate of the truck?

So I know. I didn't tell you about Project Runway for a while. I even was going to, and it just was so lame and it made me sad to try and write something about it so I probably just wrote some dumb thing about a dog.

So then last night, it was the one where Tim Gunn goes to visit everyone to see their collections! He drives around to all their houses in a Saturn Product Placement. We get to see their houses or their studios. Or in the case of Chris, besides seeing his studio where he is making these total Dexter Show Me The Tiny Shrunken Scalps Attached Oscar outfits with human hair (Like teeth too? No. Just hair.) we also go to his friend's super coolest NY apartment ever where he has built it out with insane moldings on every flat surface like the most overmolded Rococo yet sort of Spanish inspired Versailles thing ever. Tim Gunn almost loses his shit over that one.

We visited Jillian's parents' Long Island house which isn't really what I was expecting and Jillian and her parents all have the same Christmas decorations that my parents have too. Even though Jillian is a tights wearing under formal shorts person. We visited Rami's house in Silverlake and his storefront design studio which sort of was what I was expecting. Christian lives in a super tiny closet with roomates in NY and makes all his giant, fluffy neck clothes in the tiny closet and sleeps in his tote bag under a table.

So I was going to tell you all about this episode but here was the thing. During dirt night, we had this sequence where we had to get them in the right side of the tunnel, after this super fast loadup of a couple jumps, the chute, and another jump. It was basically like the dog rocket shooting them to the left side of the tunnel and we had to pull them in the right side. I had 3 dogs to run. Who were all really wired last night, like I was yelling at dogs all night, BE QUIET! SHUT UP! And first time through it with Hobbes, augh he kept running in the left side of the tunnel and back I'd go through the whole loadup sequence to get that speed and get him in the hard pull side of the tunnel. And it took me a few times. And then it's Ruby's turn and same thing. And back through the fast loadup and pull and maybe too a few times. And then it's Otterpop's turn, she's not as fast right? And I think it still took me a couple times with her.

And then we had another course that had a similar thing and I think I had to go back a couple times with at least a couple dogs. And I was just running, running, running. It was a pretty fun night. I would not say that I ran error free last night. I would say I was cracking up a lot because the dogs were just flying and I'd make a mistake and it was cracking me up and I'd be laughing which makes my dogs faster and maybe not really Hobbes because he wants me to do it right so he can tug on his shred of a thing but I was laughing at him too. So a lot of oxygen being used by my running cackling shrieking run style, perhaps less effective than a good DOG'S NAME COME COME PULL SHOULDER INTO THAT SIDE of the tunnel. What is so funny about making errors during agility is what I'd like to know?

And then when it was time to finish watching Project Runway all I can tell you I woke up to see Heidi give Chris the double death kiss of auf weidershnicken and off he went. Um, I guess it repeats some night, right? And today, this morning, I feel like a truck just hit me. Next time I run that many fast runs with that many fast dogs, I am seeing a little advil for a nitecap.

Trick Training-Not really a primer.

I was going to tell you I trained Gustavo to do this great new trick!


Called go through my camouflage tote, open up all the pockets, and extract money out of the smallest one and eat the money!

It was going to be a highly shaped trick, with a lot of backchaining to get the sequence just right.

But that would be wrong. The work of the diablo. I would be telling a lie. He just does stuff like that and if you happen to have good ears, you can hear the sound of your MONEY BEING SHREDDED from the other room and go save it quick. Hey, I am saving money!


But I sort of realized this might be the key to his more effective training. It is The Secret! These are the little things I should be shaping, right? So I can eventually have this cool command like Go and Make Our Nation's Recession Worse! and he runs over and does that right when I say. The old folks would love that one! I am sure is a useful application for agility at a later date.

Do you think Diablo Cody would like dog agility?

She has a small dog, I believe it to be a chihauhua, named Barnabas. She looked badass at the Oscars. Her leopard print with sparkliness dress was Dior, and she had somewhat chunky legs strutting out from the big high leg slit. I believe her to be the only Oscar receiver with visible tattoos! And she went from stripper to blogger to Oscar winning screenwriter.

Tim Gunn does not help her either. I LOVED her Oscar look but apparently it was not popular elsewhere. I have a little leopard print velcro purse on a nylon strap that Ruby tugs on and gets treats out of. She wrote about behind the scenes information about strippers. I like to write about behind the scenes information about dog agility. Also we enjoy the fact that her name is Diablo. Which is like Devil. And Devil Dog spelled backwards is God Lived. It is like a spiritual connection!

I did some research here. I went on google and typed in Diablo Cody and Dog Agility. Guess what comes up?

Team Small Dog. Hi Diablo Cody!

Did I mention it was Muddy?

Our travels this weekend took us to a muddy, muddy, wet place named The CPE Trial in Elkgrove.

I thought you would like a glamorous, insider's view into the behind the scenes life of an agility competitor.

All our stuff is inside the car. Where it is not raining. This includes dogs and mud. Dog frisbees, dog coats, human coats, are all coated with mud. Coffee and things inside the cooler are exempt from the mud. Do you remember I got some new Red Shoes the other day? They are coated with mud but I am very happy to report to you that my actual feet, not coated with mud or even a tiny bit wet. So that was one part of the whole day that was not muddy. My feet.

The dogs had an enjoyable day sitting in cages in the car, staying out of the rain. They would go into it for occasional games of frisbee, or "warming up" for classes. Warming Up means:

Take a walk in some mud. Going in the mud. Getting muddy. Do a couple jumps. Have some treats. Run crazy fast. Pull the frisbee out of the mud. Pretend that you are doing this crazy fastness in the ring. Get a little more muddy.

Then the dogs would go in the ring, which was in a covered arena, yet still muddy, and be not super fast. In CPE, this is actually fast enough for Team Small Dog to win many of their classes. And even get Q's in all of them. Except for Otterpop's Jackpot Class, where the timer broke and the run got all screwed up and she was not allowed do-overs. Oh well. I am not sure why, and what the hell. I didn't really care. I kept looking at the judge, waiting for a time buzzer, the judge would look at me, I'd do another loop through the ring, look at the judge, she would look at me, no buzzer. I keep looking over. Hi Judge! Finally I look at the judge AGAIN after really a lot of extra seconds, and she says, Just go do the gamble. Um. OK. So we missed it because we were over in a weird spot to get into it. Such is life. Our gamblers curse is apparently back and now tied into my weird magnetic force field that screws up electronic timers. But there are worse things to worry about. Like piles of muddy laundry and why does Frances McDormand wear Martin Scorsese's old man glasses yet still manage to look kind of cool?

Otterpop was still scared of everything, however she did not have any barking paranoia attacks. This is in a metal building teeming with raincoated ax murderers and zombies disguised as raincoated agility ladies. She had running paranoia runs, where she was running, yet also implementing full radar for alleged slashers. She had a couple semi relaxed runs, and a couple with slow starts and speedy ends. I was proud of her because i felt like she was actually trying to hold it together. Thanks Otterpop! Maybe not full speed but you held it together and we just keep working this out.

Ruby was on cruise control mode. Not crazy, zany fast, but not slow. Just kind of having a pleasant time, in the mud. Which was a-ok with me. She seemed happy as a clam. She had a couple of moments near the weave poles of little moments, then was fine. None of her poles were horrible slow, but I can't say they were super fast. I tried to be relaxed and casual to the point that I gave her a couple refusals from sloppy, sloopy handling like a drunken bus driver, but that was sort of my mission of the day. See if the bus is broken, just needs an oil change, or is a happy bus. I would say normal and happy, and maybe next time I can rev her into top speed mode if she is still seeming a-ok after this.


We took our friend Mary and her dog Ariel. Ariel is actually not as giant as she looks here, but still had to squish into the back with all my caged dogs. This is what they look like at 4:45 in the morning! Surprise! This was one of their first trials and let's say the OWNED that Level 2 division. How many new handlers go out there and attack 3 7's in their Snookers Run?

Gustavo could have done without this trial. It was a bit much for him. Mud. Crowds. Loudness. A lot of sitting in the car. He didn't love it. He heard there were pancakes at home when he was sitting locked in a muddy cage. Thanks for sticking it out Gustavo! He saw Daniel Day Lewis on the Oscars last night and now he wants his ears pierced like that if he has to go to any more muddy, sitting in the car all day agility trials. Yeah. Only if you actually start bringing BACK that muddy frisbee instead of leaving it out in the mud.

Once again, here it is Raining.

Team Small Dog had a busy morning yesterday, doing taxes and filing papers, teaching some more complicated tricks to Gustavo including nail dremeling and also vacuuming the whole house and doing all the laundry and making a lasagna and biscuits because it was raining.

Just kidding!

OK. It was raining, that much is real. And those would have been super things to do if I was someone else. Except I started taking pictures of things and then the camera held them hostage and then had to look for the really good black pen that is the best one for drawing things such as a really good Letter R or a rabbit and then I remembered I said I would solve the mystery of the broken RSS feed and then it was time to go to the wet barn to see how wet the arena was so I could have another swell day of handwalking.


Here's the dogs learning their great new tricks!

Here's me fixing the broken RSS Feed.


Before fixing broken RSS feed.


During fixing the RSS feed.

Time for a Product Placement!

If you are ever wondering, hmm. What is a nice present for Team Small Dog? Besides ranches or a new truck or perhaps Hybrid Toyota Highlander car of spaciousness? It is the Kiehls! Whilst doing design for a hoity mens store in the Castro many years ago designing things such as Giant Signs and shopping bags for them, their employees hooked me on the crack that is Kiehls. All men that bought very expensive Italian jeans used it. As did me and the employees with access to tons of free samples.

Ever since then, hooked. Especially on the packaging. I have such sensitivity to offensive packaging that many shampoos and bathroom type products have to be banned of my bathroom. Not that I would do this, but even if I were to buy cheap product and refill it into a Kiehls bottle, I can still remember the package that it used to be in and it gives me the skeevy jeevies and I have to get rid of it.

Oops. Where was I?


After fixing the RSS feed. Well, actually the RSS feed is still broken. I am sorry RSS feeders. I didn't really even figure out exactly what is the RSS feed or how I broke it. I am sorry! That's sort of as far as I got. But look at the magic that is worked by the Kiehls!

Footwear for Dog Agility-A primer.

Yesterday was another rainy day.

I made the dogs dress up in costumes at work. Hey, come on. It's tiny little horse blankets. It's a barn. It's cold and wet. They shiver. Ruby is feeling how I was feeling most of the day. I went home early.

It could have been a worse day. I could have had wet feet. But I was wearing my sporty new shoes!

I picked them out myself. Without Tim Gunn. Uh oh.


They are this really special shade of red, I believe Lipstick Red. Avon LIpstick Red. Not Nars. Or even Mac.

Quit yer giggling. I hear that. Even over here.

And I handwalked horses in the rain all day in them and my feet were dry and they were way more comfortable than boots. What is handwalking? When it's too wet and muddy to ride, you attach a horse to a rope and probably a chain and you walk around. Oh, so pleasant you are saying? Is like strolling with the dogs? Well, let's say you have 16 of them. Average weight is about 1000lbs. Their legs are attached to big, heavy hooves with metal shoes that are powered by actual horsepower. Some of them are friendly and some of them are very, very tired of standing around in a stall because you won't let them go out and play in the mud. And they are very, very afraid of things such as a truck! A piece of grass that blows! A tiny bird! And luckily no horses came stomping down on my new goretex shoes, which is a super way to break a toe into a million tiny pieces or even worse, rip a brand new expensive shoe. They have super tready soles for agility in wet grass and they were from England! Hi everyone in England-do you have these shoes and NO ONE LAUGHS AT THEM THERE?


I almost got these ones. The ones with slightly higher heel are Balenciaga's. My new ones are Innov-8. The Balenciaga's didn't come in Goretex.

And I just got a trial confirmation from the CPE trial this weekend that I didn't even know I entered but I did somehow via magic and I'm going. And it says be prepared for bad, bad, bad weather of wind and rain. Oh boy! It's in a covered ring but still let's just say that again. Oh boy!

But who's going to have the dryest, most Eurpopean feet in the dirty, damp, blowing covered arena out there in that cow field on Sunday?

Timmy goes for a ride.

Last night, while me and the small dogs were all at Dirt Nite, Gary tried to take Timmy for a ride in the car. Timmy started the ride by launching from the back of his car-it's a Volvo wagon-straight forward, through the seats, into the dash. Wham. He pulled over, put him in the back again. He seemed ok. He went a couple miles and then all of a sudden, Timmy had this total freakout of flying around in the back, bouncing off the walls and the ceiling and the windows and barking (he never barks anymore-since he's been old, he just stopped barking). Just total, batshit crazy flying around in the back.

Like remember the molecule ride at Disneyland? Where they shrink you in your little haunted mansion wagon? And you enter the land of the atoms and they are flinging themselves about, creating fission or fusion or a nuclear explosion or some kind of Monsanto chemical? And the molecule ride is gone now, replaced with something fancier. He was like an atom. Flinging and smashing, trying to make something happen.

So he pulled over and kind of grabbed him somehow from the front seat and just held on to him til he settled down. It took about 5 minutes and he was only a few blocks from our house but he was afraid to drive with him. Finally it seemed like he de-freaked, so he drove home. Timmy couldn't stop pacing and freaking out. But as soon as I got home around 10 with the other dogs, he seemed normal. Which for Timmy now, is pretty bizarre and demented head in the mailbox most of the time but it just sort of seems normal now.

All we can think is he couldn't see when he was in the car because it was dark, got freaked out and if he's not with the other dogs he just totally loses any sense of reality and his mind explodes of freakout. If it's dark, and he can't see, then he gets demented and doesn't remember where he is and there's no other dogs around or me for a reality check, he just goes Helen Keller maybe. He's home alone all day without the other days when I'm at work, but he seems to just sleep in the day and kind of wakes up at night when we're all home. Poor Timmy. It's hard to be lonely and demented. At least he has his own whole herd of therapy dogs.

Distraction still life with crap.

I am trying to distract you from the plain fact that I did not practice weave poles with Gustavo for about one week, and he forgot how to do them. Completely.

I am not lying.

So instead of going out and working on them, I'll just pretend that who needs weave poles anyways and take some more pictures of home decor items. Covering up the training flaws with a little phage. That's definitely the Team Small Dog way.

I think I want to run away and join the cast of Architectural Digest.

A sample item of my home decor.

Plastic Hut. Not sure what is educational or funny about it. The kid on the box makes me somewhat concerned for the chickens' lives, too.

Somewhat ironic that the day before I yelled at a cop.

Here's what we look like when we are being the Opposite of Criminals and going on a therapy dog visit.

I have my official Furry Friends shirt and purple leash and I am completely ok with it.

Gustavo is a born therapy dog. We spent a long time meeting and greeting many of the residents of a long term and skilled nursing facility in Capitola yesterday. Lots and lots of elderly ladies that love dogs. He would lay on the bed with some, sit on wheelchair laps with some, and when he started getting antsy, do a little trick show. Sit, down, turn, little front crosses and run through my legs were big hits. Roll-over brought down the house. I definitely need to teach a bunch of sexier tricks before next time.

I just treated everyone like they were my grandma. Honestly, I can't wait to go back. I didn't realize how happy so many people would get when they would see someone coming in with a dog. Like total happiest grandma. Like opposite of cops patrolling where we walk the dogs to make them wear leashes. This is a great organization. If your dog is friendly, and has even the most BASIC obedience skills, you can be in. They go to old folks homes and lots of other places all over Santa Cruz and the South Bay Area.

I did find that when I turned back into a criminal to walk the dogs illegally that afternoon, Gustavo magically unlearned all his good dog obedience skills and turned into a devil and almost ran away out of the park. Like behaving so perfectly and angelicly those 2 hours had to have a balancing effect. So that's perfect that we're part time criminals now. Just like Dexter. We follow the code.

There will be milkshakes.

Team Small Dog just had their first brush with the dreaded new Lighthouse Field Laws*.

We saw the Cop's, I mean Ranger's, truck. We saw dogs being leashed. My plan for the future that is now here was that we will always just run the opposite direction fast. Which is totally hosed because my dogs are well trained that white trucks in Lighthouse Field are friendly maintenance workers who have milk bones and want them to jump on the seat with them. Which is what is their plan, but which is not so much anymore.

When approached by the ranger and commanded to put my dogs on a leash, I had been counting to 10. Over and over. Trying to make sure to not go to the volatile place. And of course I kept my cool and nicely leashed up my dogs and engaged in a sophisticated, philosophical discussion with the ranger on the history of the new leash laws in Lighthouse Field and continued upon my pleasant walk on a sunny afternoon with dogs on leashes in the field.

Just kidding!

Remember how I could only end up as Lois no matter what I did in the What Wife Are You Big Love Quiz? Yeah. Before i could stop it the hair trigger bad temper that I have worked so hard to make go away with the yoga breathing and returning to being a kindly trainer of animals just came retching back up like evil winged monkeys and I unleashed bad, loud potty mouth words to the firearm carrying State Park Cop while leashing the dogs. No friendly campfire story telling smokey bear guy here. Him-tall, shaved head, big gun and mad. Me-medium height, pony tail, thank god no gun, and mad. Not a nice mix of friends here!

Have we all seen the smashing movie There Will Be Blood? Which we Loved! And we knew we would from the moment we saw the typeface used in the marketing, basic reversed out on plain black, old style goth, sligthly distressed. Full of wide open, desert landscape. And we've all seen that ending scene involving Daniel Day Lewis and a really long milkshake straw and old style bowling pins? That lots of people didn't like but actually I did! Yep that sort of level of freakout. But no bowling pins. And I wasn't drinking. Thanks Daniel Day Lewis! Thanks not-talking son from Little Miss Sunshine! A 3hr movie of moon faced boys, fathers, capitalism and church that never once made me want to take a nap.

So, but anyways, let's just say when the official ticketing period begins March 15, Team Small Dog may be at the top of the naughty list.

*Long story. Much referred to. 7 years spent fighting the total bonehead lawsuits and so forth to get dogs off the beautiful 33 acre field and beach right by my house where we have walked dogs forever and forever off their leashes. More info here.

Who will be America's Next Top Dog?

Well, I know I was thinking the next good idea was America's Top Agility Handler, but CBS is doing America's Top Dog. It's a little more general. I have no issues with general! That is me, generalist. But it's not the Bravo/TLC more cabley vibe to it channel, it's CBS. Which is horrifying. I think they have the Top Nanny reality shows and ones with A LOT of crying. Like not even Dr. Phil caliber. But, will probably have major brands sponsoring it with toilet paper type commercials. So.

Here's the application. It's 18 pages long. You sign your soul over to a production company. Who most recently produced a smashing series called Armed and Famous for CBS. Starring Erik Estrada, LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne and some other EQUALLY famous stars who were training to be cops somewhere like a small town in Indiana. I did a spot of research. It involved Real Guns. I know these producer type guys. Once me and Debbie wrote a Treatment for a reality show and it got as far as her doing a lot of phone calls to friends of friends (She will call anyone. She is real writer who cannot read this though due to the grammar!) who were reality tv producers and we entered this weird and creepy land and that was the end of that. I learned I don't ever want to be a Producer.

There's lots of questions about what clothing your dog likes to wear, does it win trophies, does it like other dogs, have you ever trained animals for a circus, and what kinds of medications do you take. Lots of hold harmless protection clauses in there. And if you win, you go for 6 weeks to an Undisclosed Secret Location Chosen by the Producers for the reality show part. And IF you win, and IF the show ever makes it actually onto CBS you Could Possibly win some money. That will be taxed heavily.

This sounds like my kind of thing! I am totally applying right away! It doesn't really ask for a whole dog Team. So I still have to decide to try and enter the team or maybe just Otterpop. She is pretty much the Top Dog of the house, she decides things Like Where Each Dog Can Sit and who is allowed to bark or not bark and what toy is shredded by what dog. So I guess it would have to be her. Timmy is too old to travel and Ruby might have outbreaks of witches and mystery ailments and so forth and Gustavo is the cutest dog but a little bit not trained enough and has not ever come in 2nd place in the Grand Prix. Otterpop is the clear villian, easily the Victorya or the evil Jeffrey (who did end up winning Project Runway and was the BEST designer even though he was heavily edited as he evil scripty neck tattooed designer).

I need to hire someone to play me though real quick. Any of you interested? The drama types? I have to send a headshot. Of you. I am not camera ready. Someone needs to be size 2. You can't have higher than size 2 for tv. Then we gotta train Otterpop to think you are me. You gotta learn how to sing Happy Birthday just right so she howls along with you. Before she goes into the agility ring. To freak out about the machete carrying zombie judges. To secretly stare at you whenever a truck is going by so no one notices she wants to attack it. How to get the frisbee away from her. Which men to steer her AWAY from discreetly. I see lots of fun on camera antics with camera guys and the microphone guys! Grips! Electricians! A whole maze of zombies for Otterpop! Welcome to Stardom!

So if you are size 2, unemployed with 6 open weeks you could hang out somewhere weird and be a prisoner to the producers, want to split the big potential Cash Prize with me, need a Top Dog, you know how to find me! We have to act Quick here! This is a huge branding opportunity for dog agility! The rest of you all need to apply too! Picture the silver lame potential!

Post Valentines Rehash

Self Portrait with some commemorative plates.

So yesterday, for Valentines, it was just craziness here. Well, not really. But it involved candy.


I have this really nice husband. He took this photo! He got me Gustavo for my birthday! He brings sushi home! He stays out of the Team Small Dog Dog Agility blog most of the time because sometimes I have to figure out something to do to be a nice wife. Leaving him out of it is a nice thing for him. You do not know him, my dog agility friends. Because he DOES NOT ever go to the dog agility. You just take some guesses why. You know how it is.

I am possibly not a great wife. Many husbands would not want this type of wife that I am. So I am very lucky to have him!

A short list why:

I enjoy occasionally removing parts of the house that I don't know how to put back together with my very own crowbar.

I do not cook. Or clean. I do not do dishes all that well. (According to some people)

I try to buy expensive pieces of property that we can't afford. I have questionable reality issues when they concern accounting practices.

I have all these dogs and horses and I am either at work with the horses or traveling to glamorous cities for dog shows with the dogs. A lot. Like we are never home.

I fall asleep watching everything that we rent on DVD's, making us (him) pay huge late fees on all the DVD rentals because it takes a long time to get through one hour of Dexter and I have to see the ending with my own 2 eyes.

I have slightly obsessive compulsive home decorating ideas that involve a lot of deer antlers and specific paint by numbers and commemorative plates and squirrels. And I do not BUDGE on home decorating decisions. Total phage nazi.

I make the neighbors hate us by putting our junker truck in front of the house so we can have a contact trainer and weave poles in the driveway. And sometimes he has to park nowhere near our house because of this. (Or also we could blame this on all the neighbor's junker trucks. Let's do that.)

I just make something into an Art Project if it is seeming too weird and crazy and everyone knows you can't mess with the Art.

I painted the house with Joel Warner and now all the paint is falling off.


I leave animal antibiotics and syringes and so forth on the kitchen counter. And crumbs.

A fun activity with lots of my friends is always going to their art openings. And then I won't go see a band with him because I will fall asleep.


Hey now I just figured out why the GIANT box of the See's Candy. It is the sweet revenge! Thank you Gary!

I guess we could say this is in honor of valentines.

OK. During those weird days when I was all high on cupcakes or my newly appointed job as Sunshine Czar or whatever, all these important issues were happening and it was like my head was just stuck in the sand or the sun and I'm finally coming around.

That was scarey for a moment.

So like, first of all. Who do we like better for First Lady?

If it is Mrs. Barack, Oprah is going to be all over that one like meatballs. You know she is going to totally be Michelle's new Best Friend from moment one. And I think Oprah has switched from Cesar Milan to Hollywood Dog Trainer of the Stars for her evil little cocker spaniels. So when the Daughters Barack get their first border collie puppy, dog agility people-it is the uprising! Unless they are forced to get a cocker spaniel. Or a golden retriever. Oprah is the one with the power in this relationship. But it could start with throwing treats at it for a sit, it will end with the whole White House Easter Egg Hunt/Helicopter Pad Lawn a giant field of dog agility items! Good job! And also, Mrs. Barack, she has the style of First Ladies already totally built in. She sports classic First Lady hair already! You go search on her in google, Michelle Obama, and you see for yourself. Click on the images tab. Picture her and Oprah on a commerative hand painted plate for your wall. With their dogs. Nice!

Now, if it is Mrs. HIllary, it would actually be Mr. Bill. We will just call him First Lady for now, although a new title may have to be invented for this situation. I think he has loosened up his image even more since he's been thrown out of the White House. A little bit more Southern Guy who lives in a Tony Soprano type house in NY with somewhat untrained lab who still likes to occasionally jog and golf and hang out with the ladies and party on Garth. There's a sentence for my grammar friends! There is no dog agility equipment going up near the helipad with Bill in there. You know how those labs can get so fat. Maybe the lab would have to stay tied up on a chain outside so this one doesn't run into the street. I bet that there are a lot of busy streets near the White House. Occasional tennis ball throwing. Commemorative plate value? Not so much. Maybe if Project Runway Chris was the stylist.

OK, so one idea of great popularity I hear is Hilary and Barack as president and vice president. I can't remember who is who. But, how about Hilary and Mrs. Barack, if not for president and vice president, at least on the Franklin Mint plate? They are like Salt-N-Pepa! Mandrell sisters! And then we make sure that we get a dog into the White House too.

Is it due to the sunshine?

OK. I know I was all cranky and not a good Sunshine Lady yesterday. But then I left for work, and the sun was out, and it was a day I had time to go practice with the dogs on the way to the barn, and time to go to the beach on the way home from work. And it was hot and I wore a t-shirt all day at work and no parka and no horses were bad and I had time to eat lunch. Nothing was irritating. Sorry. If you like the ranting. Actually, I was probably still curmudgeonly and mean part of the time. But today's story shall focus on the daisies and the rainbows.

The dogs were like phenomenal. Am I making you crazy yet? Ruby is back to the old Ruby which is actually a super fast, pain in the ass speed demon. We missed this Ruby! She was happy to do a little agility in her crazy freaky out of control mode that I love and run like a maniac with the other dogs on the beach. So what's been wrong with her, I dunno. I hope this Ruby is here to stay.

Otterpop practiced super fast and hit her contacts and weirdo pole entrances and attacked the frisbee like frisbee death. I encourage bad and evil behavior when they are doing agility and it makes them CRAZY. Small fast and kick yer ass. I think in dog training language Training in Drive. Training in insaneness of speed and attacking of frisbees and fast weave poles!

OK. Get ready to barf from the barfiness of the joy of it all. Gustavo. Gustavo I take it back everything I said because today you were a sharp knife, the super sharpest one that Dexter uses for serial killing! I might be a spoon but you are turning into a knife! A speedy knife who at this very moment is eating a cardboard box but anyways. We had a lot of knife moments.

He's still just running down the top of the dogwalk. But as fast as I can rev him which is Fast! And hitting his 2o/2o target position smashing wow!

My a-frame technique I am using is called the "Haul Ass Super Fast and Click for Running all 4 Paws Down to the Bottom Method." Perhaps you read about it in Clean Run. I throw treats in a bag so he is learning to not look at me on the click and out to his treats in a bag. He is getting it and so far he hits the bottom every time. The a-frame is way low. The buzz around these parts is all about Rachel Sander's running a-frame box technique but I am going to try to just take this one slow and see if I can teach a consistent hit at the bottom by clicking and running out to tasty snacks in a leopard print bag. He is tiny! Sorry Rachel Sanders!


His teeter method we are using is the similar "Haul Ass and Slide into a Down." It's just all about haul ass with him. And have a piece of cheese on the way down. I am trying to channel Silvia Trkman. I may never be anywhere near as adorable or good. OK. Not even close. But I am just channeling. And not eating so many donuts. So far so good.

Then they had to sit at work all day, on the deck and sleep in a chair. Life is hard. I actually have to work and they are lounging.


And for all my bitching, I can still stop down at Seascape beach on the way home, there's just enough sliver of daylight if I get done a little early (sorry horses and people that I run away from work do not say goodbye to you) that they can get in a quick run before driving home.

But hey! Global warming is still getting worse! Our city is planning for the day when there is No Water!

And Hilary's and Barack's health care plans don't sound very thorough!

And Patty Hearst now has dog show confirmation dogs for a hobby! Beloved Tania!

Oh sorry, it's a little ranty this morning.

Portrait of a wicked outlaw team.

I am a pretty law abiding citizen. I am the f***ing Sunshine Czar, after all. Sunshine Czars DO NOT break laws.

But pretty much, to walk dogs in my progressive, hippie lovin', environmentally groovy surfer town, I become a wicked outlaw.

I won't tell you where I'm walking the dogs in this picture because it's illegal. It would have been the same amount of illegal to have them off their leashes, except it was bobcat and coyote witching hour and my dogs are are tiny little wildlife hors'dourves and I kept 'em close so as to avoid certain death by fangs of nature. And Timmy always has to stay on a rope all the time now due to the fact he can't see and he could pretty much be on a walk on the moon as far as he is concerned.

And you've read all my bitching about Lighthouse Field up and down and sideways. For years. Our deadline is creeping closer out there. If you're new here, it's a really long story. Much about it here. It's just my local 33 acre oceanside field and adjoining beach where we've walked our dogs Forever.

Let's see. Where else in Sunshiney Santa Cruz, California can't you have dogs?

Most State Parks. We have all this GORGEOUS land here but no dogs allowed. Bikes ok, hikes ok, horses ok, but no dogs. On or off a leash.

Downtown. Don't try to take your dog to our quaint Pacific Garden Mall and stroll. There are tons of colorful street kids with those wacky giant hairdos and homeless people and the Umbrella Guy, but no dogs.

Most beaches. There's a few, but not many. And we have A LOT of beaches here-like, it's a Beach Town. But not for dogs. There is one awesome huge beach on my way to the barn that I can take them to and so I commute there almost every day now. It's Beach, walking distance from my house, that's part of the whole Lighthouse Field debacle and will become contraband in March.

I keep running into people who ask me how's it going on our property search? And I have to tell them, it blows. There's a serious lack that developed in the financial department. I really never thought we'd still be here in our quaint beach bungalow, all hemmed in with nowhere to run. Thought we would have been ranch owners by now and owning some nice big fields. Instead, just keep tying the dogs up and either walking around the neighborhood or risk more financial vacumnicity with big fat tickets for using some of this nice land nearby to just walk around on with my dogs.

It is possible this is something you will not believe.

Does this embody the Spirit of the Sunshine?

OK. So the Words Sunshine Czar might not be the first words you think of when you think of my name. Even if I was to sing my favorite song line of the week:

"Shine on me sunshine Walk with me world It's a skip a dee do dah day
I'm the happiest girl in the whole usa"

But I might sing it less like Donna Fargo in her '70's smooth country lite voice and more like Bart Simpson trying to sound like Madonna with an English accent trying to sound like Method Man.

But anyways. Guess who is the New Sunshine Czar of the SMART dog club? That would be Me!

So we were at the dog club meeting. It was a lovely sunny day and everyone brought their dogs to run some dog agility. And Ruby seemed not any worse at least, and I ran her just a little (she was actually happy out doing jumpers, happy to go around a portion of a standard run, and unhappy to play fetch around a bunch of other dogs...), and Otterpop was actually super great and fast because I ran her with a wood stick or a frisbee with me. And Gustavo did some of his learning how to do teeters and contacts on the dog walk and ran around with me on the jumpers course and actually some jumps and front crosses and he was So Good! And it was hot and lovely and we had lunch and no one was mean.

So Rob, who actually sometimes reads this and cringes that he lets me run his dog when he does, he says, "We need a Sunshine Czar to send cards to people who have death in the family or their dog dies, that kind of thing." But he used better grammar when he said this.

And no one volunteered. And I am thinking, well that is a nice thing to do for Others, but also I am thinking, I have never had any kind of name attached to me anything REMOTELY like Sunshine Czar and I believe that should be my new name. Many of the names that may be attached to me or called behind my back are probably more like Most Opposite of Sunshine Czar of Evil Meaness Does not embody the Spirit of Generosity and Love. Well, hello. Guess who is now the new Sunshine Czar of the dog club?

Are you still stuck on that I am even in a club? Did I lose you there?

Sunshine Czar.

Dog Agility Fitness Challenge-a continuation.

"A nice way to start a skip-a-dee doo dah day. I'm the happiest gir-ul in the Whole USA."
-Donna Fargo

So it is a pretty funny (tragic) idea that I would ever give diet tips because if you saw how I really eat you would wonder how does she even walk let alone sprint so beautifully (um, lumber?) around those dog agility courses with her blindingly fast dogs?

Because my line of work means I am outside on a ranch dragging horses about and making them bend and get lead changes and not put 5 strides down that line and trying to get her head DOWN to clip her ears, I am not sitting around on my butt most of the day. Not that I wouldn't like that! But it's just what I do. So for a long time it was ok to eat like a lumberjack at all times and it didn't really matter. Then I quit riding for what I thought was FOREVER to become first an ARTIST of art shows, and then after being too broke an ART Director of the dotcom where I sat on my butt and pretty much only got exercise when I was stomping out of meetings slamming the door and throwing pads of paper down on conference tables and shouting at all the other people. And I had to give away all the size 5 pants. So that didn't last real long and then I was a horse trainer again and lost that fatty office weight as soon as I had to start hefting people up and down off of horses again.

But then I went to an age that is over 40 and I learned about the over 40 fat! It is different and stickier. And I looked at the things I ate and they were very, very different than the Food Pyramid. I had 6 foodgroups, not 4!

I had the coffee group.
The pastry group. Includes donuts and cookies mostly.
The mexican food group.
The pizza group.
The candy group.
The alcohol group.

Sometimes I ate out of my food groups, but actually, no, I didn't.

And you are not supposed to eat these things due to there is no vitamins of health AND you will be fat. And I did not listen and somehow I was still healthy probably because I pay lots of money to eat these things from takeout and restaurants without cooking so I had bought my way to sparkling good health.

Um, now would be the part where I am writing the diet tips about the healthy diet I eat now.

So anyways, I'll conclude with I will eat a piece of healthy fruit sometime today!

Dog Agility Fitness Challenge-a primer.

So remember how I will not show you the video from the Steeplechase Finals last week? Yeah. That's right. Because I made the dog hit a bar, blow a contact, and I looked really, really fat.

So next place we go is Madera in March. And I am not going to be so fat by then. Maybe I'll still make the dogs mess up, maybe Ruby will have a sore back, maybe Otterpop will be slow. But I am going to be skinny-er. Or at least less fat. So here's our new fitness regime. Of healthy exercise and diet. The diet part-let's get there later. But first, the exercise.


First of all. While checking the email, and doing the blog, there will be some madcap exercise. To get the blood flowing. In the fancy exercise studio. OK, the office. Well, OK, actually the spare bedroom with the piles of files and ugg boots and books. But there is a tiny patch of floor. We will jump! And twist! And listen to disco hits of the '70's until we are no longer so fat. It is important to exercise for more than one song-maybe a song by Gorillaz. Who are not even people that need to exercise but I believe are fictional animations. I don't get all that.


And we shall do some yoga stretching too. Right? Think about the cute yoga outfits available but only to the cute yoga girls. I go to yoga. Sometimes. Rarely. I went a few weeks ago. I wore sweatpants. I am wearing cowboy pajamas for my fitness challenge right now. Once we are skinny there could be tennis skorts and little capri pants with tiny tank tops that do not expose muffin guts that will make us feel chipper even when dogs are doing horribly at the dog show.


There is much dog assistance in the exercise. And my feet may get bit while they are doing a hip hop jig-like dance move. No one said this wouldn't be dangerous. Because it is the belief of the dogs that they should be on a dog walk. Which is sort of one of the exercise problems. I HATE leaving Timmy at home when I take the dogs somewhere. But he can walk about as fast as a 3 legged turtle pulling a birdhouse full of potatoes. We creep. We shuffle. And it burns absolutely no calories. In fast, I believe that walking Timmy actually adds calories to my self. Which is how the fat to skinny ration has grown against me this year. Of which I have actual scientific Proof.



So when it's time to go for a walk, everyone is waiting. They know. You have to wait for your name to get called or else it's mayhem.


Mayhem looks like this.


Except for Timmy. He doesn't know we are ready for the walk yet. Being nearly blind, completely deaf, and somewhat alzheimer's-esque in demeanor, he is still laying there. I'll go get him and carry him down the stairs. And off to the shuffle we go.

Team Small Dog Diet Tips coming soon!

Training contacts-a primer.

All right. First you start with an operant dog. Your dog is operant right? Riiiiiggghhht. Ok. I sometimes say my dog isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Maybe he is a spoon! We need spoons. We eat Ben and Jerry's with spoons and cereal and peanut butter. Try pouring butterscotch schnaps over that whole mess and have THAT for dinner. Spoon! As dog trainers go, I am more of a spoon than knife or fork. But again, nothing wrong with a spoon, I am SORRY Susan Garrett.

Right. Operant. Click / treat. Then keep doing it, NOT running through fence to the neighbor's cat yard. Dog, not me. But dog should not get through the hole in fence. Put a brick there. Bastard small dogs. Operant dogs do not go through the fence for the cat. Good dogs stay there nose touching their targets. Operant dogs are offering you tons of behaviors. Not chasing the cat. Does not count as operant behavior. Please someone (knife, not spoon) come help me train my dogs.


We run up and over the contact trainer now for a Two On Two Off. That is 2o/2o in cool dog training shorthand fyi. Dog hits nose on a target, keeping his muddy little back paws on the yellow, and gets a treat for holding that position. Please reward with the hand CLOSEST to the dog. Keep your eyes on the dog please. Ham in a can.


I know you are doing this on your grassy dog agility field. Lucky you. Bitch. We just throw stuff under tarps around here because we are all SO Busy with dog training. Driveways are a great place for teaching dog agility except maybe not for jumping. Which is a large part of dog agility. We just do stuff like this. Gustavo excels in cat chasing and nose touching. Sort of.

Once we parked our junker truck here on the dog training field. Now we park it in front of the neighbor's house in the name of dog agility training! Sorry neighbor! We are the neighbors known as The-Ones-With-the-Wife-That-Has-All-Those-Little-black-Dogs AND The-Weird-Obstacle-course-In-the-Driveway-With-the-Goddamn-Truck parked out front. Which, let me point out, that we just have a small street and almost everyone on our street has a junker car or their bigwave jet skis or camper/vacation house/rental unit or something parked out front.



A quick tour of the closest junker cars to our house.


Can your dog stay there and keep hitting his nose on the target? While you dance around? I prefer House of Pain's Jump Around as a theme song for this. Would also accept OPP by Naughty by Nature or Hollywood Swinging by Kool and the Gang as an answer.


Get ready because now we're going to Throw the Toy to get Drive Off the Contact. Forward! Fast! Not to CAT!

My dog won't bring the toy back to tug. I should be going back to square one. He really, really wants another treat and runs back to the target. This drives me crazy and makes me feel like a bad dog trainer. Susan Garrett, just take me out and kill me now. I take him on the other side of the gate and he tugs there if it is away from the target. Only Otterpop loves toys more than food. Ruby and Gustavo really, really, really want to eat until their stomachs explode.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Millions of times.