16 February 2008

Who will be America's Next Top Dog?

Well, I know I was thinking the next good idea was America's Top Agility Handler, but CBS is doing America's Top Dog. It's a little more general. I have no issues with general! That is me, generalist. But it's not the Bravo/TLC more cabley vibe to it channel, it's CBS. Which is horrifying. I think they have the Top Nanny reality shows and ones with A LOT of crying. Like not even Dr. Phil caliber. But, will probably have major brands sponsoring it with toilet paper type commercials. So.

Here's the application. It's 18 pages long. You sign your soul over to a production company. Who most recently produced a smashing series called Armed and Famous for CBS. Starring Erik Estrada, LaToya Jackson and Jack Osbourne and some other EQUALLY famous stars who were training to be cops somewhere like a small town in Indiana. I did a spot of research. It involved Real Guns. I know these producer type guys. Once me and Debbie wrote a Treatment for a reality show and it got as far as her doing a lot of phone calls to friends of friends (She will call anyone. She is real writer who cannot read this though due to the grammar!) who were reality tv producers and we entered this weird and creepy land and that was the end of that. I learned I don't ever want to be a Producer.

There's lots of questions about what clothing your dog likes to wear, does it win trophies, does it like other dogs, have you ever trained animals for a circus, and what kinds of medications do you take. Lots of hold harmless protection clauses in there. And if you win, you go for 6 weeks to an Undisclosed Secret Location Chosen by the Producers for the reality show part. And IF you win, and IF the show ever makes it actually onto CBS you Could Possibly win some money. That will be taxed heavily.

This sounds like my kind of thing! I am totally applying right away! It doesn't really ask for a whole dog Team. So I still have to decide to try and enter the team or maybe just Otterpop. She is pretty much the Top Dog of the house, she decides things Like Where Each Dog Can Sit and who is allowed to bark or not bark and what toy is shredded by what dog. So I guess it would have to be her. Timmy is too old to travel and Ruby might have outbreaks of witches and mystery ailments and so forth and Gustavo is the cutest dog but a little bit not trained enough and has not ever come in 2nd place in the Grand Prix. Otterpop is the clear villian, easily the Victorya or the evil Jeffrey (who did end up winning Project Runway and was the BEST designer even though he was heavily edited as he evil scripty neck tattooed designer).

I need to hire someone to play me though real quick. Any of you interested? The drama types? I have to send a headshot. Of you. I am not camera ready. Someone needs to be size 2. You can't have higher than size 2 for tv. Then we gotta train Otterpop to think you are me. You gotta learn how to sing Happy Birthday just right so she howls along with you. Before she goes into the agility ring. To freak out about the machete carrying zombie judges. To secretly stare at you whenever a truck is going by so no one notices she wants to attack it. How to get the frisbee away from her. Which men to steer her AWAY from discreetly. I see lots of fun on camera antics with camera guys and the microphone guys! Grips! Electricians! A whole maze of zombies for Otterpop! Welcome to Stardom!

So if you are size 2, unemployed with 6 open weeks you could hang out somewhere weird and be a prisoner to the producers, want to split the big potential Cash Prize with me, need a Top Dog, you know how to find me! We have to act Quick here! This is a huge branding opportunity for dog agility! The rest of you all need to apply too! Picture the silver lame potential!

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