09 February 2008

Dog Agility Fitness Challenge-a primer.

So remember how I will not show you the video from the Steeplechase Finals last week? Yeah. That's right. Because I made the dog hit a bar, blow a contact, and I looked really, really fat.

So next place we go is Madera in March. And I am not going to be so fat by then. Maybe I'll still make the dogs mess up, maybe Ruby will have a sore back, maybe Otterpop will be slow. But I am going to be skinny-er. Or at least less fat. So here's our new fitness regime. Of healthy exercise and diet. The diet part-let's get there later. But first, the exercise.

First of all. While checking the email, and doing the blog, there will be some madcap exercise. To get the blood flowing. In the fancy exercise studio. OK, the office. Well, OK, actually the spare bedroom with the piles of files and ugg boots and books. But there is a tiny patch of floor. We will jump! And twist! And listen to disco hits of the '70's until we are no longer so fat. It is important to exercise for more than one song-maybe a song by Gorillaz. Who are not even people that need to exercise but I believe are fictional animations. I don't get all that.

And we shall do some yoga stretching too. Right? Think about the cute yoga outfits available but only to the cute yoga girls. I go to yoga. Sometimes. Rarely. I went a few weeks ago. I wore sweatpants. I am wearing cowboy pajamas for my fitness challenge right now. Once we are skinny there could be tennis skorts and little capri pants with tiny tank tops that do not expose muffin guts that will make us feel chipper even when dogs are doing horribly at the dog show.

There is much dog assistance in the exercise. And my feet may get bit while they are doing a hip hop jig-like dance move. No one said this wouldn't be dangerous. Because it is the belief of the dogs that they should be on a dog walk. Which is sort of one of the exercise problems. I HATE leaving Timmy at home when I take the dogs somewhere. But he can walk about as fast as a 3 legged turtle pulling a birdhouse full of potatoes. We creep. We shuffle. And it burns absolutely no calories. In fast, I believe that walking Timmy actually adds calories to my self. Which is how the fat to skinny ration has grown against me this year. Of which I have actual scientific Proof.

So when it's time to go for a walk, everyone is waiting. They know. You have to wait for your name to get called or else it's mayhem.

Mayhem looks like this.

Except for Timmy. He doesn't know we are ready for the walk yet. Being nearly blind, completely deaf, and somewhat alzheimer's-esque in demeanor, he is still laying there. I'll go get him and carry him down the stairs. And off to the shuffle we go.

Team Small Dog Diet Tips coming soon!


Anonymous said...

But don't you think it would be a better world if we all wore our cowboy pajamas to work? Imagine Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad video-conferencing in their cowboy pajamas. Wouldn't we all be safer? And think about Agility Trials. Don't you think we would all be more relaxed and stop making silly nervous mistakes if everyone were dressed in hir cowboy pajamas at the start line? (I suppose Susan Garrett would iron hers, but you can't change human nature too far, I suppose.) Elastic waists (and waistlines) may not be Fashion Forward, but perhaps they would save the human race?

Oh, and do you have any advice for someone who has stopped touching her toes and other forms of exercise you have described in your latest primer, because it always attracts wet dog noses thrust into her face, and ecstatic licking and body-slams if she holds a stretch for more than 3 seconds? I know a good trainer would take the opportunity to practice down stays during this time, but she finds it difficult to relax and breathe and stretch while fixing squirmy dogs with a steely eye lest they break their down stay. (Also, the butt crack problem in some poses. See wet nose problem described, above.)

team small dog said...

No one said it would not be dangerous. The down stays just don't work in my experience (spoon not knife-you may be more of a knife like dog trainer).

See fancy dog training tool photo in photo of dogs on walk-this may be your solution to toe touches and other forms of exercise. The baby gate aka I can't make my dogs stay anywhere so I just shove that thing up and stick 'em on the other side.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to hear that diet tips are coming soon. Perhaps another nice graph with number of Standard's, Gambler's, Colors', Snooker's, Full House's, Jackpot's, Pair's, Jumper's, Grand Prix, Steeplechase runs to cancel out pieces of See's candies (or bottles of beer). That way I will know what to enter and what to bring in the way of refreshments, and perhaps you will not get into so much trouble over the next holiday season. Remember, Easter is coming up. Better add in number of chocolate bunnies to the graph.

Elf said...

Fashion: I saw Cirque's Kooza this weekend and the juggler had a fabulous silver lame suit and I have been obsessing ever since on where I could get one to wear while doing agility--I picture it shimmering in the sun as my lithe, nimble body strides around the course. Of course, I have to get back to lithe, as I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was at Scottsdale merely in November (why did I bake brownies for Sunday? why?) and that now puts me 20 lbs up on my "I will never again weigh more than this, never" line.

And old dogs--I once got a stress fracture because I was taking my ancient dog for walks. A story for another day. I think it's just hazardous.