31 December 2009

Happy New Years, and how often do you come home from work and find out, Hey You've Been Blogged by Susan Garrett and did you know Blogged was a verb?

Actual photo from genuine Susan Garrett seminar, although Gustavo was not even born and I was there with somewhat of a puppy Otterpop. Who is now a Good Dog, Susan Garrett! Sort of. But we will just pretend, for now, that this is a real photo. And note, we both have little caps on! And note. Susan Garrett's outfit does not show any buttcrack, which sadly, mine does.

So a while ago, I tried to channel Susan Garrett. Or actually, sort of conjure her up. First I tried to talk to her on the ouija board like I learned in Paranormal Activity but Gustavo chewed it up so that was out. Then I got out a crate and stared at it and stared at it and chanted, WWSGD, WWSGD? And the answer came up, like a magical Canadian Voice, CRATE GAMES, and then magically Susan Garrett flew out of the interwebs and in a booming internet voice said, (and I paraphrase here) SUSAN GARRETT WAS NOT WEARING A SKORT.

I was sort of scared. Because, hello. Susan Garrett. And it took me so long to be ok with wearing a skort and I convinced all of you about the spunky, peppy, cuteness of skort and then booming internet voice indicating, perhaps, wrongness of skorts and of course. It's Susan Garrett.

But it is then that I realize, Holy Canadian Bacon, Batman, I have become the most genius marketer EVAH for Susan Garrett and Crate Games because how many Team Small Dog readers TOTALLY ALWAYS do whatever I mention? Like skort sales, through the roof! And you, readers, are probably all rushing out every time I type the words Crate Games to throw down $32.35 Canadian dollars for your very own copy?


Sorry, Susan Garrett. I believe I over estimate my giganto influence on the dog agility population much of the time. Grandiose, big head. Susan Garrett, genius of the dog training and marketing, and Laura from Team Small Dog, skort wearing, sometimes E'ing, flibbety jib, will of the wisp, a clown.

But kittens, you all LOVED my Xmas cards, right?

So when Susan Garrett had this genius idea for me in her blog, first thing I did was make sure I was reading it with Canadian Brain Voice. Which I have been practicing just for this momentous occasion. That took a while because pretty much the only word I am good at is A Boot.

Used in a sentence, What the hell are you talking A Boot?

I'm not sure if this is important or not, but I'm just trying to be REAL here. And if you've ever listened to books on your ipod, you know how important Brain Voice is. Are you using mine right now? Oh, righty-o. You don't know me. I've been to a Susan Garrett Seminar (see photo PROOF above). I remember her voice so I can use it in my brain. She told her dogs, "Good GIRLIE," a lot and said, "Smack da BABEEE." I liked her Susan Garrett(TM) Voice. I hear others imitate it. But never the same.

For mine, have you ever talked to surfers? I have always lived very near surfing. I wear flip flops a lot. When I'm not practicing dog agility, Susan Garrett! So I have that kind of drawly, beachy duuuuuuuude thing. But I am also known for the loudest, most booming voice that all riders can hear, even on the far side of the arena in the giant wind storm. And neighbors of the ranch, I have been informed. And also I like to practice Madonna and Canadian accents. And I tend to talk really, really fast. And don't always make sense.

So just use that from now on. We'll call it Laura's Team Small Dog(TM) Voice.

Anyways, so then Susan Garrett has this advice for me that is designed to make me poor. Aha. Susan Garrett knows right where to get Laura and it is a place that has nothing to do with the dog training or anything because she can tell, we are going to go to Laura right where her cold little heart beats. In her money pit. It's like Susan Garrett can see right through me, in her magic crystal dog agility ball.

First she talks about her Susan Garrett's Magic De-Stressing Pixie Dust. Which is totally what I was hoping for and suspected she had all along. Because ta-da! I am pretty sure is what she uses on her own dogs, then makes us all buy the Crate Games video. Although maybe she used the Pixie Dust on me, because now I am advertising Crate Games for her, and HELLO! Brilliant, Susan Garrett! I think she used to be a pharmaceutical saleswoman. They always give out little pens and fleecey vests! Brilliant!

So her other idea is, test out this dog stress idea for Gustavo (Remember him? Actual dog involved in this now epic long debacle?) by I have to set up some super challenging practice sequences at our happy little practice field, and have someone watch and every time I screw up one of the challenging practice sequence I give Susan Garrett $5.

Not really. I mean, I COULD give Susan Garrett the $5, which I know she totally needs because she just remodeled her house and if you have ever remodeled a house, I don't care how many copies of Crate Games you sell. You totally need more $5. But I can also just give it to my watcher, which now I know all of you are jumping up and down and all, Pick ME! Pick ME!

Or I could keep the $5 which would mean either I have reached perfection, or I am a big fat cheater. Or not stressed. In no need of Pixie Dust.

And it is like Susan Garrett has entered my brain! Because she KNOWS it will be a lot of $5 and she probably even knows I am trying to say buddhist sayings in my head like Free Your Mind From Worry and not say them in my brain voice which turned into in crazy Sid Vicious meth voice which actually, may cancel out the Free Your Mind From Worry part due to the how scarey is it that your brain sounds like Sid Vicious on meth?

And then the challenge itself is sort of complicated, you go read it. It involves picking up the favor phone to dog agility luminaries except not ones that are my pals already and then doing the math that involves times the weave pole challenge by the contact challenge then subtract 3 points only (the equivalent of $15 but not sure if in Canadian or American dollars) and then by the end of it, is it really a trick question because in Buddhism you are not supposed to ever reach perfection and I'm not a Buddhist but still. I get tired just dragging the tunnel bags out when I practice.

I think I have to do the challenge with Gustavo, which stresses me out. Hello! Problem solved or just beginning. If she said, do this with Otterpop or with Hobbes, I'd be all, Ha HA Susan Garrett, just watch this. But already my beskorted knees rather quaking in their boots at the thought. Susan Garrett, your x-ray eyes see right thru me and I hope I am wearing really good underpants.

To Be Continued.


Chris and Ricky said...

I know you don't know me or anything, but that was possibly the funniest blog post I have ever read in my life (and I read your blog all the time)! I am gasping for air as I write this - tears streaming down my face, etc. I saw Susan's challenge to you yesterday and just thought, I am glad I am not Laura! Good luck! Happy New Year!

OBay Shelties said...

Ooooh you hit the big time now! Just remember we all loved you before you were a famous person! Can't wait to see the challenge!
PS Also a word (verb) is "de-blog" which is the action of taking blogs off of your blog list when you don't like them anymore!
Happy New Year and thanks for the continued laughs.
Bernadette and the shelties

Teresa said...

Thanks for the laughs! Maybe I should send Susan Garrett $5 for getting me hooked on your blog...nah... she's gotten enough of my $s for her books and videos, all well worth it, of course! Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

I bought a slap chop because of Susan Garret. Her marketing prowess knows no bounds

Misa said...

woot! here we go! that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Gee, is that going to make you happy now, or....?

team small dog said...

Like, be careful what you ask for? Is this an example of The Secret at work? I guess I should have just asked for a ranch instead.

Elf said...

1) Of course "blog" is a verb. As in, "I blog about my dogs in more detail than anyone could want." However, normally it is not a transitive verb. As in, "I blog Susan Garrett." Or "Susan Garrett blogs me." No no no. Trust me, I'm a professional.

2)Your link near the end where you say "you go read it" has too much blogger.com incorrectage at the beginning so it doesn't work.

3) Susan Garrett thinks that you are "a brilliant blogger" and even says so in the very first line of her post. How cool is that? It is so cool that I just had to go eat three more peanut butter cookies to ease my admiration. It will either inspire me to be more creative with my blog or else to eat more cookies and keep on with the usual dull blog. Either way, I will of course keep reading TSD even though now you're officially famous!

team small dog said...

OK, linkage fixed, thanks Ellen. I think I maybe broke my blog today. I thought I should twitter. Because. Huh. No good reason. Like welcome to the 2010's and you should know how to Twitter. But sticking in the twitter seemed to do some breakage. Uh oh.

Elf said...

Awww, Mary! You're such a nice person!

Lisa B. said...

You do have huge influence, BTW. I went out and got and even smaller dog because of you ...

team small dog said...

Be careful with the smaller dog because I'm learning smaller dogs can learn to fit under smaller fence holes after they turn 3 years old.