Today you are getting an advice column from someone that probably should not be giving advice.

Sometimes, I get actual emails that ask me questions. I do love answering questions! I am always concerned that anyone would actually want my advice. But here is a question today from Sarah:

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OK Captain TSD:

I am writing b/c I need your help. In fact, we *all* need your help. Like a lot. I am a walking agility trial fashion faux pas. What Not To Wear here I come! Not seeing any inspiration at trials, that's for sure. Please blog your thoughts on this! I am 5'8", and an athletic horse girl (but not anorexic) I have lots going for me, but my agility look really sucks ass. Bad wind pants, dog t-shirt, etc. I want to be cool like you and TSD. What do you wear when you trial? I know you have your totally awesome red goretex shoes (but maybe you were being facetious about those?) Please be my role model!

Sarah

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Oh Sarah. And the *all* you talk about. I am very excited you called me cool but here is the problem. Number one, I am pretty sure the new cool word is not cool. But I am actually not sure what the new cool word is. I always say cool too. Just like saying Cowboy Up to someone who is whining is not cool because what the Cowboys actually say is Buck Up. I just learned this. Number two, I have the same exact problem as you and I am actually not cool and I wish I was. I have a whole bunch of friends that are cool. When I try to study their ways and figure out how I could be more like them, they have all told me the same thing. Dog agility is never going to be cool.

But Sarah. We see the coolness potential in dog agility, right? The fashion end of it is a big part of the whole uncoolness thing is my guess. I do worry someone would select me to be on What Not To Wear too. They are so mean, that Stacy and Clinton. And they would throw away my favorite shirt and make me buy an ugly jacket and skirts with seaming and wide legged trousers. So we just have to unlock the fashion mystery code ourselves.


Let's start with the footwear. I thought those red shoes were cool, too. And I laid out some major dollarage for them. Then people sort of pointed and giggled and I even found out they were possibly not even cool in England, where they were from. So they pass the function text but the reality of them on the feet sort of gives an overall impression of Not Cool. Maybe if they were combined with the right thing. Jeans from the Gap and a dirty polar fleece jacket probably equals Not the Right Thing. A red tennis dress with pockets and piping and a little black hoody thing over it? That is maybe the right thing! If you have nice knees.

Not nice knees equals no tennis dress or sporty little golfing shorts. Including the plaid ones. Because I thought that we could take some fashion Q's from tennis and golf. Ladies do this and it involves running but also looking nice. Wait. Do you run in golf? Maybe if you throw your beer bottle into the giant windmill and they come out to arrest you. There are those nice, big grassy fields in golfing and I am pretty sure I would run if I did golfing. I know my dogs like riding in little electric golf carts.


A lot of times I wear cargo capris or my black sporty pants with a stripe down the leg. They feel at least inoffensive to me, but not very cool. And then Carson I believe once said cargo capris are the devil's work.


Sporty Spice used to look nice in sporty pants but now she looks like this.


Here's a picture of me that was featured in Clean Run magazine a long time ago. I wish I could tell you I was the featured star of an article about my super star dogs, but it was some random article about pointing the right way and I was very surprised to see me in there. At least I was a good example of pointing and not a bad example of pointing. But I had a grass stain on my knee and very old jeans on. But that is one of my favorite shirts. And stripey caps are a good way to hide the gray. Because our demographic, let's face it, involves gray hairs starting to sprout on heads. If you are not there yet, you might be soon. But this is maybe not cool.


Here's a link to some really bad videos on youtube from the DAM team trial in December where I am wearing the all black look. That is black sporty pants and a black sweater and even a black striped hat I think. That look sort of evolved out of the cold weather. Also you can see Otterpop do a teeter bail in one of the videos! So this looks sort of inoffensive and warm but maybe not cool.


Um. Sarah. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere here maybe. I did see you mentioned a dog t-shirt. I think there is a lot of room for improvement in dog t-shirts. Gigantic cartoon dogs, and montages of 3 dogs of a certain breed with that breed's name written in a large script at chest level may not be a good fashion statement. Also wind pants. Are your dog trials in very windy places? If not, you might want to switch to something that is not a wind pant. In the cold, I also tend to just wear a good pair of jeans. Like not the ones from the Gap. Unless you are just so hot even those look good on you. Otherwise, you may have to upgrade to a more better tailored expensive pair.


Accessories? I have this unreasonable attachment to clogs. Possibly not cool. Can accessories override that? Don't underestimate the power of a good accessory. Large purses are in this season and super useful for either a bunch of stuff for dogs or even just shoving your smallest dog in if you want to go into a casino.

OK. To sum it up. I think that I have barely scratched on the surface here. I am pretty sure somewhere out there is someone WAY cooler than me with some good dog agility fashion tips for us. A little help please?