19 July 2011

How to spot a dog agility lady in the wild.


This is a trick question. You will never, ever find them in the wild. Try a park. Or a backyard. Even a driveway sometimes bags you a quick peek of one.

So first of all, possession of a dog is a clue but not a tip off. Lots of people have dogs. Doesn't make them a dog agility lady.


The lots-of-dogs-that-look-the-same thing, much higher chance of actual dog agility lady. We tend to have multiples, and many times, we assemble matching sets. I think there's a name for this, the same psychological disorder that religious baby breeders suffer from, a deep seated need to construct one's own personal army of clones. I couldn't find the name for this. But did you know that if you have a fear of ventriloquist dummies, you may have Automatonophobia. That fact alone makes reading this blog today worth your time.


Notice the tanned, leathery skin? Barely shielded by a little cap, and nice, dark shades. Since the cap sometimes comes off and on for sunscreen application, and removal of long sleeved over-layers, hair is really quite unruly and hangs down in a multitude of ways. Sunglasses are optional, mostly because they get lost so easily in tote bags full of tug toys and course maps and frisbees and leftover tokens from the car wash. Which you will lose before next time you wash your car.


Dog themed shirt. Frequently featuring an actual dog or pawprints, but just check through the printed verbage. Somewhere, it's going to mention agility. Not tucked. But possibly could be tucked. I would advise against tucking in most cases. I say not tucked hides the tummy that seems to develop on top of the cores. Because agility ladies are frequently at an age where, no matter how many days of jazzercise situps to the same irritating Katy Perry song you do, how many repetitions of fast running dogwalks, no matter how many times you have to run after your dogs because someone dumped bones all over the grass down by the cliffs and they split up to hunt down and consume all the bones, this damn gut just shows up every time you sip a cerveza or have ice cream for dinner.


Synthetic, moisture wicking trousers. Preferably cut off somewhere near the knees. Above or below are both appropriate. Ill fitting is common. Bonus points for the agility hotties in their yoga pants. Generously sized pockets are useful for various dog accessories, including, but not limited to, empty plastic bags, plastic bags full of weenies, and warm string cheese sticks. Stick those in your yoga pants, hotties.


Rugged soled shoes, sometimes made of goretex water resistent mesh. Which is vegan, but a petroleum product. You do the math. They should be of a type that cures plantar fascitis, achilles tendon tears, and twisted ankles. Dog agility ladies employ a lot of bleeding finger sweat shop laborers with the copious amounts of horribly colored shoes they go through. Socks should be dog themed and/or moisture wicking, absorbing and anti bacterial, preferably with extra cushioning in high density impact zones. I just plagiarized those words from a dog agility sock ad. Just so you know. Legs are usually bruised from dragging around heavy equipment.

Look around. Probably one near you now.

15 comments:

brhodgins said...

I just have to say that your blog is my new favorite. Makes me laugh everytime.

HurricaneDeck said...

This post is full of awesome!

KristineD said...

I'm confident that I have pictures in which I'm dressed just like this... with the possible exception of clone-dogs.

nosemovie said...

I see one! Just there! The bruises, the bad pants, the moisture wicking socks and she's at WORK! (oh wait, it's only me... in the mirror)

Anonymous said...

yup, this pretty much sums up all the identifying clues.
except for the rain gear. where i live, rain gear is required. because as everyone knows, dog agility ladies don't know when to come in out of the rain.

maryclover said...

Add the occasional skort and five finger shoes and I think you've nailed it ;-)

Anonymous said...

You forgot hair either short enough to stay out of your face, or long enough to put in a ponytail.

I went to a new guy to get my hair cut. He didn't know I do agility. He started telling me stories. He said, "I have a client who always tells me 'I have to be able to get my hair into a ponytail' because she does dog agility. I'm like 'Really?? You're going to base your hair style on dog agility?'"

"Ha! Ha!" I said. "But only take the tiniest bit off the ends, okay?"

Dawn said...

WAY too funny. Probably true. I have one dog, we don't do agility...but I've seen those ladies around. I always thought they were kinda cute. In a street person with a dog sort of way.

Jodi, eh? said...

Hello? You actually went out to a human interaction facility like that? And to think Ellen was using you as a reference for what the cool kids are wearing.....

Liz said...

I want those socks!

Elf said...

I'm glad to see that someone else is addressing the serious issue in agility of whether to tuck in one's shirt. Maybe we can get a grant to study this.

Linda said...

OMG, I'm in stitches. This post was great. One more to add though, I have bruises and bite marks on both arms. Too funny!

ClaytorDogs said...

Um, I don't see anything at all wrong with the outfit. I have several just like it. :o)

Anonymous said...

Me to a T!

Casper and pals said...

Hey we recognize the agility lady look. We see it quite often around here- right down to the 'dog socks'! LOL