30 June 2010

True Life Story-How the yoga breathing ruined my reliable recall-Part One.


Susan Garrett is all about the recalls. Her blog the other day told us it was a reflection of the relationship we have with our dogs.


Sort of like Simon and Garfunkel. They could be all lovely folk singing one day, then Simon calls Garfunkel a fluffy haired weirdo, and Garfunkel becomes unreliable and Simon marries Princess Laia and then that singer from the '80's and never grows a lick taller.


Actually, not. What she really means might make you cry if you are a lily livered, lame ass dog trainer who isn't irritated enough.


That's right. Enough irritation should get you off your ass and into recall training that is going to give you a non-dysfunctional relationship which is going to be the foundation of brilliance.


Crap.


Because here's the thing. I have spent years. YEARS. Learning how not to be irritated. I work daily on getting my head out of my irritated ass and being patient and calm. I went yoga for this. I worked very hard on anger management and customer service and to teach the world to sing.


It's like Mr. Hand. He had enough of Spicolli. ENOUGH. The poor man was an actual martian before he got stuck teaching irritating students like Spicolli and he got so irritated that he died.


And Sean Penn saves dolphins and orphans in Iraq and was married to Madonna.


Now who got the crappy end of that deal?


Shouldn't Mr. Hand have been working harder on that recall because he was so irritated? But wouldn't you rather be Sean Penn then a dead Ray Walston?


Don't answer that. It's a trick question.


Susan Garrett, here's something that might irritate you. You know that kombucha mushroom water? It didn't actually have mushrooms in it, it had ALCOHOL in it. And now it's pulled from all the groovy grocery store shelves in my neighborhood and the Spicollis are running around with no kombucha and you want to see irritation?


But because Susan Garrett has a reliable recall, she is SAVED from the kombucha induced alcoholism! And then me, who took the yoga classes, and didn't listen to Susan Garrett, with the kid down the street thinking I'm so fat it looks like I'm growing stomach babies, and guess what. Just guess. Not all of my dogs have reliable recalls. And you may have noticed, our agility, not exactly brilliant. And that dog relationship? Where the all the snuggles and the kisses from the snuggliest one seem like true love?

I guess it's on the rocks. To be continued.

11 comments:

Elayne said...

I think the more interesting question here is who and what were behind the marketing genius that convinced people to spend boatloads of money on something as vile as alcoholic mushroom water? I think Team Small Dog needs to do one of their in-depth interviews with that person. Perhaps they also hold the key to brilliant dog agility.

Anonymous said...

This entry is just frickin' hilarious. "Come back, shiny dinosaur, come back!"

Thank you; you made me laugh out loud.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, no more! I can't stop laughing. (Part two tomorrow, yes?)

Anonymous said...

I love alcoholic mushroom water.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I am once again laughing my a** off. Having just had the nightmare of all agility classes last night while yelling HERE...HERE....HERE..... HERE!!!!!!! and dog zooming through tunnel, over a-frame, "oooh, this is FUN!" and other classmates cooing "she is sooooo cuuuuute" and I am trying to yoga-breathe and not get the "shrill-voice" and not throw cheese at her and not kill her when she does come to me. And yes, I do wonder what Joe Strummer would do and I am becoming as crazy as Kim Deal at that last Pixies concert I saw at House of Blues, where she wasn't allowed to talk on stage, and when she tried to, Frank Black was all over that because the Hello Kitty microphone probably damaged her brain in some intrinsic way, and Most painfully, knowing deep in my heart that I will NOT be in the athleta catalog wearing a nifty black tennis dress smiling and running while Gracie aces the teeter totter.... Sorry. But again, thanks for the snorting coffee out the nose laughs!

Anonymous said...

OMG, I am once again laughing my a** off. Having just had the nightmare of all agility classes last night while yelling HERE...HERE....HERE..... HERE!!!!!!! and dog zooming through tunnel, over a-frame, "oooh, this is FUN!" and other classmates cooing "she is sooooo cuuuuute" and I am trying to yoga-breathe and not get the "shrill-voice" and not throw cheese at her and not kill her when she does come to me. And yes, I do wonder what Joe Strummer would do and I am becoming as crazy as Kim Deal at that last Pixies concert I saw at House of Blues, where she wasn't allowed to talk on stage, and when she tried to, Frank Black was all over that because the Hello Kitty microphone probably damaged her brain in some intrinsic way, and Most painfully, knowing deep in my heart that I will NOT be in the athleta catalog wearing a nifty black tennis dress smiling and running while Gracie aces the teeter totter.... Sorry. But again, thanks for the snorting coffee out the nose laughs!

Elf said...

...and trying not to throw cheese at her... I am SO with you, Anonymous!

I have listened to susan garrett talk about not being irritated enough. But I'll tell you, I worked for many months when Tika first came home with me on how to walk nicely on a leash. I tried I think 3 or 4 different trainers' methods, very determinedly, very consistently, one after the other (giving each several weeks so I could be consistent) and I got so irritated that I'd sit on the curb and sob. And finally after months of never being able to walk more than a couple of houses away from my house because we hadn't learned the not pulling yet, I decided that I was done with being irritated and just dealt with the pulling in various ways.

That is not as bad as not having a reliable recall, which sometimes gives me nightmares. But it's such a pain to practice 50x a day, which in fact does improve things until I stop practicing 50x a day. So I am SO relating to your post today, and empathizing with your experience with shiny triceratops.

Good one.

And P.S., from the other day, I think that kid was just being a pill because she knows it irritates grownups.

Mary said...

Oh, Elf, don't be so sympathetic. At least Laura is not TOO OLD to GET pregnant.

Elf said...

I'm more annoyed that she's skinny-looking and fit-looking and good-looking too AND has a really funny blog. And meanwhile I'm missing a tooth and have a blister from tonight's hike.

Alaska said...

How did you manage to get all those pictures of my dog to put on your blog?

If Susan G truly knows how to teach a reliable recall to deer-chasing crack addicts like...er...some dogs who shall remain nameless, I will give her all of my money, ALL of it, if she will share the secret.

In the meantime, I, like ELF, have been worn down by the months and years of implementing the miracle cures of the last umpteen messiahs to speak on this subject, and I currently worship exclusively at the Temple of the Humble Leash.

Susan said...

Crap, on my recent recall survey I forgot to include shiny dinosaur distractions. Next time I will try harder to be more thorough.

Meanwhile I promise this week to give you tools that you don't have to pay for that will help your dog's recall. However @Alaska if you wanted to give me all of your money, I am okay with that too:)!