27 July 2008

Project Runway-Green is the new green. Black. Brown. Green.

Green is in. Green is the new black and the new brown and the new gray. Last week we did recycling and this week we are doing green fabrics that don't have horrible ocean polluting dyes. And just when Suede, a big fluffy Tinky Winky really, is irritating us enough with his third person mentions of Suede, we get it. That's his thing. He's third person. Like Stella is a dour Ramone. Like Blayne is a tanorexic tweaker. And all the girls are sort of weepy art school gals from Portland. I think there's 8 of them. This is the postmodern season of Project Runway. The editing is about the editing. Everything is reused. The models are doing the shopping.

It's maybe the subversive season because now I am thinking is a big ugly F**K you to the Bravo channel for selling Tim, Heidi, and all the Saturn Vues off to the Lifetime Channel which is possibly the dorkiest and most uncool channel out there. Weepy badly written victim movie for ladies that are wearing high waisted jeans in an unironic, non Chloe Sevigny way. It's either that they've all just given up, or else they are going to lash the pants off the show like all Captain Johnny Depp with his saber before Lifetime gets it. Slash here, slash there, til it's in little shreds. Like if you got sold to JCPenny. It's a gig. But one that makes you secret cry as you walk to the bus stop every morning. You either go down weeping or go down with one helluva fight.

The designers haven't given up though. They're trying. They're going to make cocktail dresses for their favorite models. Because nothing says cocktails like a small herd of models walking in a row, following Heidi Klum in synchronized steps. It's the cocktail army. Heidi is as lean and mean as ever, in her tiny little skirts, and even Nina later mentioning shiney short tight as a good way to look cheap doesn't sway Heidi. Cool as a cucumber, that steely eyed tart. Her kids are off with Seal somewhere and she's shiney short tight and Nina can just say that to her face and see what happens is what Heidi thinks.

So let's cut to the chase. Honestly, I was bored. Ho Hum. Pretend Nina just said that and you can picture how I would say bored. Hold your mouth in an "O" shape for a little longer than everyone else. We didn't much get to see them building their dresses. Maybe a little. Once built, we had Suede's circus fiesta dress which actually won the prize and you can order your own off of Bluefly now. Which sells sort of over and done with fashion on the internet. Ha HA! take that Lifetime new home at the Lifetime Channel. BlueFLY!

Suede is curious, but they are teaching us to hate him, so maybe he's getting Aufed soon. Someone leaked it onto the internet that he was getting aufed this week, so when I saw him sewing his little shreds together, I was like ha HA! my psychic abilities say Suede goes tonite. He sort of reminds me of Perez Hilton, all chubby in screenprinted Grranimals seperates, lumbering about, with his teletubby body and helmet and puffy swollen feet.

Daniel Vosovic who likes animals made a cute black dress with pockets that I would wear to dog agility. Had frisbee holders and a nice scoop neck. I think it had a skort under there too. Stella Ramone stitched hers up the side and got big gushy kisses from Michael Kors for it. They made a big deal about her and the leather thing. But at least she has a THING. So far, they only made a thing about her thing. And Tinky Winky's third person thing. I guess we get more things, but it's going to maybe be in a F**K you ratings kind of way is my guess.

The special guest judge who is Natalie Portman is devoting her life to vegan shoes instead of being a movie star now. All the girls from Portland are like YAY! Vegan shoes! Detroit guy for a moment considers vegan shoes. He has kids. Go environment. Maybe the global warming won't swallow the kids up before they die of old age if Natalie Portman sells enough of her vegan shoes. She's wearing a green dress in honor of our generation. Her generation. Portland girls' generation. I think it was made of whale killing dyes. Maybe, maybe not. Her and her vegan shoes aren't telling though.

Wesley, who I'll tell you now gets aufed, wore his own little rolled up shorts and little red shoes. Really, he stole the show just for his little otufit. Like remember Angus from ACDC? I think that suit jackets made of lightweight seersucker and polo shirts under with rolled up shorts and no socks with your red shoes is the style for summer men in New York City. I am not lying. It's nice we can all get along in a city where you can wear all leather if you want or all rolled up shorts with no socks red shoes if you want. Wesley is like a quiet gay version of Angus, he might secretly play ACDC songs at home. Sadly, we'll never know. He made a matching dress with one of the Portland girls, I can't remember which one. How many of them are there, those girls back there? The one that likes making funny little satin nurse caps that match her dresses. They had a run off for last place and even with his little red shoes he got cut. Boy was his dress ugly though. Nina had a poison dart in her hand, and just told him the too tight short shiney line, and then pegged him right in the bare knee with it. Ouch. Bet he wishes he didn't roll up his shorts so high.

Korto almost came in last too for building a dress that looked like a flabby yellow fish. Her model looked like maybe would be available to stand outside a nice fish restaurant, El Pollo Pesco, and wave a net vigorously around in the air with a toothy, fishy smile. A fine fleshy tuna. It had fins for real. It even made Tim Gunn stop and pause and not sure what to say and snap out of his funk for a moment of the train crash he was witnessing with his own two eyes. Sorry Tim Gunn. We are sorry you endure this and maybe you come help me install carpeting this weekend for some real fun. Because it's my birthday today, Tim Gunn. And I'm installing carpeting myself to make my floor look like a woodland moss forest with 5 different colors. But I don't have to finish by midnight. I'll finish sometime next January at my rate of speed. Good thing I didn't enter Project Runway.

I was happy for Stella. Because I don't know anyone that talks like her. She is so potential dog agility lady. She's never used yellow satin before. Only leather. Pyramid it, stud it, spike it. The models all lied and said they'd go for cocktails in their dresses even when they had giant fluffy collars that prevent drinking or chewing on stitches. Because they don't drink anyways, causes pooching in the indented little tummies. And they sure as hell they never get to go shopping for the fabric again.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Laura! Most excellent PR review, too!