17 February 2008

There will be milkshakes.

Team Small Dog just had their first brush with the dreaded new Lighthouse Field Laws*.

We saw the Cop's, I mean Ranger's, truck. We saw dogs being leashed. My plan for the future that is now here was that we will always just run the opposite direction fast. Which is totally hosed because my dogs are well trained that white trucks in Lighthouse Field are friendly maintenance workers who have milk bones and want them to jump on the seat with them. Which is what is their plan, but which is not so much anymore.

When approached by the ranger and commanded to put my dogs on a leash, I had been counting to 10. Over and over. Trying to make sure to not go to the volatile place. And of course I kept my cool and nicely leashed up my dogs and engaged in a sophisticated, philosophical discussion with the ranger on the history of the new leash laws in Lighthouse Field and continued upon my pleasant walk on a sunny afternoon with dogs on leashes in the field.

Just kidding!

Remember how I could only end up as Lois no matter what I did in the What Wife Are You Big Love Quiz? Yeah. Before i could stop it the hair trigger bad temper that I have worked so hard to make go away with the yoga breathing and returning to being a kindly trainer of animals just came retching back up like evil winged monkeys and I unleashed bad, loud potty mouth words to the firearm carrying State Park Cop while leashing the dogs. No friendly campfire story telling smokey bear guy here. Him-tall, shaved head, big gun and mad. Me-medium height, pony tail, thank god no gun, and mad. Not a nice mix of friends here!

Have we all seen the smashing movie There Will Be Blood? Which we Loved! And we knew we would from the moment we saw the typeface used in the marketing, basic reversed out on plain black, old style goth, sligthly distressed. Full of wide open, desert landscape. And we've all seen that ending scene involving Daniel Day Lewis and a really long milkshake straw and old style bowling pins? That lots of people didn't like but actually I did! Yep that sort of level of freakout. But no bowling pins. And I wasn't drinking. Thanks Daniel Day Lewis! Thanks not-talking son from Little Miss Sunshine! A 3hr movie of moon faced boys, fathers, capitalism and church that never once made me want to take a nap.

So, but anyways, let's just say when the official ticketing period begins March 15, Team Small Dog may be at the top of the naughty list.

*Long story. Much referred to. 7 years spent fighting the total bonehead lawsuits and so forth to get dogs off the beautiful 33 acre field and beach right by my house where we have walked dogs forever and forever off their leashes. More info here.


Anonymous said...

F**k. Just F**k.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of tickets...... and I know you're laughing now Mary, be careful driving to Dirt Night! I got my first ever (and I just left the over 40 demographic)just past Vista point. They wait and get you! Your classmates see you digging in your messy glove compartment for information you know you have but can't find in the mess that lives there! What's happening?

Anonymous said...


As the Schultz's always say, "That's not funny! It's tragic!" (Meanwhile, cracking up.) But really! I'm not laughing! I'm just glad was behind you last Wednesday! I can't afford tickets!

But, no tickets and you are over 40?!? Serious (Too) Good Girl Syndrome! I've gotten two moving violations since I was 16. I'm just a plain Good Girl!

Laura is our Bad Girl Evil Winged Smartmouth Generalist! Yay for Team Small Dog!

Anonymous said...

I would also like to point out that the leash law sign clearly depicts a very LARGE dog. Certainly this indicates that small and medium dogs are free to unleash?

team small dog said...

Smartmouth is too generous. Nothing coming out of my mouth was smart. Just bad. I sounded like the biggest piece of trash talking trash. Like total off the hook uncorked lunatic trash. Bring the garbage truck for that one.

Someone who is a relative of someone commenting here had a way better tactic. She pretended not to listen, and just kept walking away. And the ranger opened his truck door and beckoned to the dog-this freaks me out too. Like he was gonna impound it or what??? They're not animal control. But that person who is someone's relative has a lot of experience with protesting and I thought that she did a good job. He did not follow her out and force to leash or write a ticket.

I personally am going to write myself a little script and put it on a card and carry it in my pocket now so I can just read off of the card and no more improvising because I do not want to get shot or my dogs impounded or god knows what trouble I could get into.

The last time I got a ticket from an asshole CHP he freaked me out so bad I started crying. I thought he was going to shoot me. I see those guns and am completely SURE they are for shooting me.

I commute on hwy 1 every day to Watsonville-there are ALWAYS cops on Freedom Blvd overpass, Mar Monte overpass, and the whole stretch from Freedom to Buena Vista. FYI.

Anonymous said...

Hey! It's time for Team Small Dog Generalist Hoity Graphic Designer to produce little pocket cards for everyone! Perhaps several varieties with various smartmouth comments! Laminated! We can pretend to be deaf and mute, or perhaps just not speak English or Spanish or any other known language! and hand the ranger the card! Politely! Smile! I'll leave the design to you! I have confidence. They will glance at the card and become instantly bemused. We will stride away. The Rangers can begin collecting cards! Perhaps they will start trading cards among themselves! There will be an extremely rare "Timmy Tells Off Ranger" card. Lots of "Ruby Roughs Up Ranger" cards! It will be like Pamphlets! Your Strength!

team small dog said...

This is a highly genius idea.

I am trying to write today's script right now in case they are there because I am going shortly to walk the dogs. But I can't really think of anything to say that isn't the opinion I already have offered the enforcers of dog criminals.