29 November 2007

Would you go see this movie?

In this scene, Susan Garrett comes riding down into the training driveway on a red powder coated broomstick pulled by her border collie and her jack russell. She is wearing a tennis skirt and has a tiny little witch hat on her head. Kind of like the movie critic on in Living Color used to wear.

She lands, and puts her dogs onto a perfect down. Does a super model head twist fling hair flip of her little bob, looking at where our protagonist has all her dogs out in the yard and is painting the roof. Protagonist dogs are busy digging holes in the plants. There are lots of them! Holes and dogs.

Looking at the weave poles, with cages still on one side of them, she announces, "Using my 2 by 2 method of teaching weave poles is the superior way to teach poles. IF you want superior poles." With that, she sends DeCaff and Encore simultaneously through the poles, perfectly, from 50 feet away. Even though the driveway isn't 50 feet away and is barely 50 feet long, the cinematographer can figure this one out so it looks REALLY REALLy far away. And the weave poles look REALLY REALLY good.

Our protagonist starts to cry. Her dogs are laying in the dirt, chewing sticks. The puppy, who is supposed to have figured out his weave poles by now, is eating an ipod cord.

Susan Garrett cries, "Good god. Is that dog eating an ipod cord? DeCaff, remove that from his mouth and bring it to me."

The jack russell does this. She also spells out the letters B-A-D D-O-G in sign language as he drops the cord at the witch's feet.

The evil witch Garrett asks, "Have you followed my foundation training to the letter? Where is your manual?"

Our protagonist shakes her head. Miserably. She has paint in her eye. She is still up on the ladder.

This is where the witch would break into a jazzy number, sort of like a song from Chicago maybe, about successful training and planning and how all it takes is some witchcraft or magic or good training mechanics and an accurate training journal. She would rip off her tennis outfit to reveal another, tinier and more sparkly tennis outfit underneath and her personally trained abs. All the dog toys in the yard all become animated (in a very Rudolph claymation way-no Pixar shit here) and dance around to this catchy song and the bad dogs are sort of laying in the dirt watching, except for the puppy who starts chasing the dancing stuffed squirrels with no eyes around and the witch dogs are doing complicated gymnastics. But let's be clear-not canine freestyling.

The protagonist is still on the ladder, looking even more miserable. The song would become a sort of duet with the paint speckled ladder girl having sort of whining harmonies about not having enough time to train and she really is doing her best and the witch answers with much jazzier, disco inflected parts about successful training happening in 30 second bursts if your mechanics are skillfull enough and you are truly a good trainer. The chorus has all the stuffed toys clicking clickers in a conga line, going "Click and treat! Click and treat!To the rhumba beat!" and the dogs that were laying in the dirt start getting up and doing repetitions of sit, down and stand and backflips in time to the music.

And I take that back about John Travolta. He could play a singing and dancing judge in the big Steeplechase Finals scene.


Anonymous said...

Hahahahahaha! :D

team small dog said...

So maybe it would be a hit in Sweden!

Anonymous said...

It would absolutley be a hit in Sweden! Good luck with training and trialing, love your blog.