William. William, you wanted to sell me the car with the big dented bumper for so far over the blue book price it wasn't even funny. You with your man bun, running your fingers through the man bun bangs and whining about being a small business having to match big business prices. William, I liked your $17,000 car but too bad the radio was sketchy and the air bags didn't work and you don't know when they will. And seat stains. I don't want seat stains. William, I trust you like I trust the guy that sits on the little wall outside the laundromat with a big tan bag weaving white rope around his fingers and looking from side to side who has disappears when I come back to collect my things.
William's friend the Hawaiian shirt guy. Oh, William's friend. When William got tired of me, I got the friend. The friend was tall and the friend has much white chest hair sticking out of his Hawaiian shirt. The friend was hovery and who wants to be followed around by white chest hair flowing out of a shirt collar? I banished William. I didn't feel bad.
Richard. Oh, Richard. You are a nice man, you love Hondas very, very much. Or so you want me to believe. Richard, you have a great deal of patience even though you don't really understand why I am playing dog crate tetris in your clean car with virgin carpeting. I get it, all your big dogs loose in the back of your Isuzu. Didn't they stop making Isuzu's many moons ago? Stop calling my house, Richard.
Jeff. I don't even remember who you are, Jeff. We seem to not be on the same page. Your emails and voice mails are directed to a robot who is not I. Stop calling my house, Jeff.
Sam, you're like a vapor, Sam. No matter how much somebody else says a car costs, I can count on you to tell me your car costs less. In my mind you are very large and sit in the dark like jabba the hut eating peanuts and marking down car prices. It's not a bad thing you sit in the dark, Sam. Do you really sell the cars that cheap? I will never know. Sam is the email ninja, Sam never leaves the internet. I could learn to love you Sam, but the cars are always the wrong color and have too many fancy bits.
Michael, you're a bit like Sam. But your cars aren't as cheap as Sam. But I suspect you know Sam, I think you might text each other when you send me quotes on cars that aren't what I asked you for. Oh, Michael, I wonder what you're wearing today? Is it vulgar, or am I just a bitch?
Robin, they went specifically inside to find you because they thought you would be a good friend for me. You are very tiny and your boobs, so big. You know many facts about cars. You assume I like cars, too. I feel like I know you from somewhere else, Robin, but I think it's best to let that one stay put.
Tom. Oh Tom, your shirt, it's so pink. You are Robin's boss and for this, I am so very sorry, Robin. You tower above me and Robin like a horrible ogre and when I tell you that I am not buying your car, you march off with an evil smile on your glistening teeth. I feel bad later that perhaps you ate Robin after I left. I send my prayers to Robin.
Lauren, I think we would have a good time, out on the town. I bet you're wearing those jeans with the sparkly pockets that have little latches on them and drink far more than I. I will never know since we only communicate via psychic voice mail mind meld. Lauren, I am sorry you sell used cars. Maybe you should send prayers to Robin, too.
Leticia, I barely got to know you. But your top, it was so cute.
Gabe, you are a good man. You are from a farm and your dogs are dead and you wear an unoffensive tie. We could make this work, Gabe. I follow you around, your step is brisk and this is not a negative thing. You do not mind that I take copious notes on each word out of your mouth. You speak slowly when asked to, and pause as I do the math by hand on my piece of paper. This is your test, Gabriel. Can you sit quietly while I add up the columns myself? By hand. On my own piece of paper. You do not speak. This just might work.
Did you ever dream that you were a dog agility super champ except then it switched and you were at some germy, grungy, derelict seaside park in the dark and the carnies were actually drug addled zombies that were shambling after you with hammers and their big teeth? And then as you're trying to escape your way out from under their oily, horrible claws by clambering up a rat infested palm tree, you're all, this is about dog agility like, how?
3 comments:
car shopping.... gggaaahhhhhhh!!!!!! i was lucky. little old lady (older and smaller than me) who has been in business in my little old town for over 25 years. just a few special not too used cars on her little lot. priced where they should be. and just the one i needed. the worst thing i heard was at the toyota dealer. he said doesn't matter if you don't have a job. if you put 30% down i can get you financing.
valpig
i have bought last two cars by following method: send out email to all dealers w/in driving distance that might have what i want. i ask them to please let me know what the DRIVE OUT price will be as i'm very interested in buying and bank has pre-approved me.
first car, my subaru, saved $5,000 on highest quoted price. latest car, toyota, saved $2,000. it was atually pretty easy. i did first go to dealers to drive car and stand on hands/knees to simulate my dog in back, took measurements, etc.
good luck!
Yep, the emailing method is awesome on the new cars, on the used cars, there are many people hoops to jump through because it seems to live in a separate universe and sometimes regular people are selling their regular cars. Although the internet has been my good buddy of car shopping and as of right now I am driving a new (to me!) car!
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