21 July 2016
Team Small Dog visits the Republican National Convention, Day 4, Hola, Gustavo
Well, how lucky is this? Banksy's Indiana pedigree press credential, and Gustavo's token immigrant from Mexico status who has become a legal citizen and not taxed our healthcare system or caused any terrorist acts and is also a little black dog, scored us a up close and personal visit with Donald J. GoldenTrump and Little Tiny Whitehead Pence.
Right! So exciting! Although Gustavo was a little bit scared. There were flapping flags all around, but I told him to be brave and he'd get a little piece of string cheese if he could do it. So we gave it a shot.
Here's our interview transcript:
Gustavo: Hola, dudes!
Pence: Get that animal out of here.
Trump: Ha! This guy! He's fantastic! Love his tie! How fantastic is he?
Pence: Oh, sorry. It's just that the little dog there, he's black. And the teleprompter says he's from Mexico. So I just thought, obviously, economy draining terrorist, or worse. Economy draining terrorist cop killing danger maker!
Trump: Ha! Love THIS GUY!
Pence: First, I should tell you that I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order. Next, I'm the Ethel to his Lucy, the Carrie to his Fred, the Ackroyd to his Belushi. A pro-life, anti-climate change science, pro-gun Ackroyd/Carrie/Ethel.
Trump: Ha! Love THIS GUY! He's a kick! A real kick! Melania was just saying at dinner, he's a kick!
Trump: This guy, we just give him all the domestic policy stuff. Then I get out there and make the deals! Amazing deals! We'll kick China in the ass! Make those Mexicans pay for the wall! An AMAZING WALL! Love this guy!
Gustavo: (Gustavo is kind of freaked out. America is just so dark and dangerous, or maybe it was just that Trump started talking, but he went and hid under a chair. It seems fine, though, because Trump just keeps talking anyways so he doesn't even notice Gustavo is under the chair. Until he sees me opening up a little packet of string cheese to try and lure him out)
Trump: Mike! The dog's under the chair! This gives me a great idea! An amazing idea! How much do you think those chairs run? Twenty bucks? Thirty bucks? Thirty five tops? Here, I'm slipping you a Benjamin. See if they'll give you fifty chairs for a hundred. Get the price down! The we sell them, here's our healthcare plan! We sell all the chairs! Get rid of Medicaid! Offer tax cuts! Resell the chairs to the rich for GENEROUS tax cuts! And England! Sell the Brexit new chairs, they're gonna need them when they move out of the Union! More chairs! We can make deals with all the countries! It's amazing! Free college! But not like Bernie, free Trump College!
Pence: He reminds me of Ronald Reagan! Except with a newly minted love for the gays!
Gustavo: (I gave his some cheese and he started to feel better, so he got brave enough to approach with one more question.) Um, that guy, Tony Schwartz, who wrote your The Art of the Deal book for you, says you'rea sociopath who could totally get us into a nuclear war, because you get to keep the war button and push it if you want.
Trump: War button! Ha! You know who wants to push the war button? That Putin! Those slackers over there in the Baltic not paying their bills! You know how much those guys owe? Loads! LOADS! I am like the OPPOSITE OF THAT! That Tony guy, I made him rich! What a loser! Disloyal loser, I made that guy. The war button will be mine! I'm buying it! It's dangerous out there! I'll use it! Make America safe with the button!
Mike, are you with me man?
(Pence looks sort of freaked out).
Pence: With you, chief.
Trump: (Looking at Gustavo, who is back under the chair). Aren't you from Mexico anyhow? And you don't even feel safe? Ha! You're probably one of those danger makers! One more child to sacrifice on the altar of open borders! Just wait til you see our wall. Its going to be AMAZING!
by team small dog at 10:03 PM