18 June 2012
A special Team Small Dog review of Rock of Ages, so that you don't have to go see it, unless for one of the 3 reasons you will read about.
Here is a good idea for a movie. If you were thinking of seeing the movie Rock of Ages, just read this instead. You will save $10.50! Although, if you need to know how to draw a monkey, or want to see Tom Cruise doing an Axl Rose impersonation while wearing a bedazzled goat head codpiece, then maybe go see it. But those would be the only reasons.
The movie could have been saved. I would use the same script even. Except make ALL of the actors monkeys who do not speak. Except for Tom Cruise. He could still play Axl Rose, even though he sings Journey, Def Leppard and Bon Jovi songs. I know. Totally confusing! Also, I am going to try to make an outfit to wear this summer that looks just like the girl wore in the grand finale dance number. I think it's the same girl who stars in American Idol every single year. That would possibly be a third reason to go see the movie, if you are out of ideas for summer agility frocks.
Oops, spoiler alert!
So here I go and save you a bunch of time. First of all, go rent The Decline of Western Civilization. You have to go find a sad old video store to get these, you know that, right? You get a worn copy. Which is weird, for such important films. But the copies are so thin and frayed that you get them for less than $10.50. You have to get both parts, the punk rock one and the heavy metal one. You need them both. Also dig through your albums for all the ones that use typefaces that are vaguely reminiscent of Def Leppard's typeface. Hopefully, you have them stored in a milk crate with vintage KLOS rainbow bumerstickers on it. Be happy that you quickly moved on to X and Black Flag after a brief infatuation with spandex hair bands in the '80's. And that you still have a crappy old tv that hooks up to your crappy old VCR.
Then imagine a movie that stars 17 monkeys, of all different shapes and sizes. Some of them wear little cowboy costumes and some of them don't. The only other actors are washed up, faded and addled old rockstars that wear wigs now and have had a lot of plastic surgery and tattooed on eyeliner. Their leather pants have little spandex tummy panels and none of them can speak English in whole sentences.
Which necessitates the whole movie being done in mime! Except for when Tom Cruise lip syncs.
James Durbin foreshadowed this. He wore a fluffy monkey tail stuffed into his back pocket when he lost on American Idol last year. He was warning us about this movie, and nobody listened. He refused to lip sync. He had to fight off Lady Gaga. He didn't become American Idol, and they made this movie anyways.
They could reuse the sets for the monkeys. They would be dirtier and grimier due to much monkey usage. A lot of money was paid for these sets! They should totally get used again. By monkeys! Oh and the stripper monkeys! Now that's something. Actually, probably Sebastian Bach and Stephen Adler and all the other reality tv ex big hair guys should play the strippers. Nobody wants to see a monkey stripper.
There would be singing and dancing. By monkeys. And shuffling old guys in leather. Some jokes about turning the sound up to 11. Tipper Gore would chuckle through the whole thing. And then it would be over.
by team small dog at 11:26 PM