15 December 2011

Team Small Dog Holiday Edition in which Santa, the baby Jesus, and dog agility unite and form a lifelong bond of friendship.

Oh look! It's Christmas, right there on the corner near the river levee. Baby Jesus is being born while the light up reindeer snack on pine boughs stolen from a state park. It warms the heart and says, "Do Not Enter or Turn Right" all at the same time.

It sort of looks like Mary is praying for her log bomb to stay in it's Down on the table for the full 5 second count. Santa is counting away merrily, jovially, loudly, in the background while also giving Mary and her bomb 5 faults, and Joseph is praying too, because he is a Holy Course Builder and if this log bomb of a dog finishes, the class is over and he can go on to build the next course or perhaps even pack the trailer.

You know how this ends. Baby Jesus grows up speaking about compassion and integrity but from such a Christian point of view he's murdered on a totally separate holiday in which Santa plays absolutely no part. This all takes part in the winter when it's just a huge pain in the hiney (cannot say ass in this post due to it also involving baby Jesus) to even do dog agility due to way too many jackets which constrict movement (Actual Proof-I had on 3 coats in class the other night and incurred many faults I blame on encumbered limbs) and the days being so dark so early that people have to use glow in the dark reindeer just to see, let alone try to run dogs.

So December marks when everybody not in Florida sits around and drinks and quietly asks Santa and baby Jesus for presents like a new house with a big yard or pajamas with a colorful chihuahua pattern or a handbag made from vintage upholstery of a 1977 Chevette or a black and red striped tunnel with glitter flake sandbags. And then Santa says something like, "No Way! Because you are probably drunk and really not a good person and will get an itunes gift card instead." And baby Jesus says something like, "Peace on Earth and thanks for being nice to your dogs!" And dog agility looks tired and asks to take a little break until after the holidays.


Agility Foot said...

I'm so grateful I can read your blog at work. Some days it's the only thing that makes me laugh...other than my dogs and I have to wait to get off work for that.

Jodi, eh? said...

...when I want to share something special with my husband, I show him your blog and we laugh together. This one was especially hilarious for us as his tight Dutch Christian Reform background and my neurotic Jewish heritage could so beautifully appreciate your blended educational seminar. What would we all do without your blog?
Cheers to a lifelong bond of dog friendship!

Elf said...

I particularly enjoy blended nativity scenes. Mine always has at least one dragon in it. This post made me laugh, and definitely agree about dog agility needing a little time off.

Lisa said...

What... no images of the dogs with the baby Jesus?

team small dog said...

I thought baby Jesus probably didn't want dogs climbing in with him. Even though he was made of plastic and all, just didn't seem right.

Sometimes when I need to laugh I ask Gustavo where we keep our hamburgers. Or I make Otterpop kick her back feet up on something and bark. Or I get Ruby to pull on a toy and she growls super funny when she does that.

If the dogs aren't around, and some horses are, horses can do some pretty funny stuff, too.

If there aren't any dogs or horses around, oh boy. That could be a serious problem. No laughing.

Alaska said...

"Peace on Earth and thanks for being nice to your dogs!"

Perfect. Now I know what to put on my Christmas cards. Direct from Jesus, as channeled by TSD. Couldn't get any better.

Anonymous said...

if you don't want the itunes gift card, you can send it to me. you might still have my mailing address from the xmas card with the antlers....

Anonymous said...

Oh, Laura, you continue to be so funny!! Only you would see that Santa is raising his hand to dole out 5 agility faults.

Merry Xmas to you and your clan (which of course includes your husband!)

Beth & Lexi