17 March 2011

Why my hatred of Tina Fey ruins my front cross timing and footwork.

I love Tina Fey. I love her recent New Yorker article so much that I wadded it up and threw it across the room and screamed, "I HATE YOU TINA FEY!" 6 times before I could finish reading it.

Gwyneth Paltrow can elicit the same response. I hated her skinny vegan legs in their high heel boots on Glee the other night. Agility class at Power Paws was cancelled for the rain on Tuesday night, and instead of running dogs I watched Glee and Gwyneth's pleather pant singing made me hate her.

Although I hate her a little bit less when she sings her country songs.

But not as much as I hate Tina Fey. Even though I love her.

Agility is my other Tina Fey.

As much as I try to have good timing and turn in the right place and pull my shoulder back and make sure my feet are pushing out to the backside, Tina Fey is just so damn funny and I am so not worthy and never in a hundred million years am I going to be able to sing and have skinny vegan legs in pleather pants doing wicked ass high heel dancing.

I ran my dogs and Soja at Dirt Nite last night. My dogs did all right. Gustavo was very on, for as off as a week as he had recently, and had weave poles and turning and focus and was a happy little fella. Otterpop ran one hard Euro course and as I recall, which might not be a 5 minute formula reliable recall but a drug addled, smoggy one, did a good job. Otterpop is a good Euro dog.

My night with Soja on the other hand, so wrong. Every millisecond of timing was off. She was in the tunnel or not seeing the backside of the jump and she gets mad and I get frustrated and steam is coming out my ears. I am totally that uncoordinated person in your agility class with the fast dog who has to shampooo/rinse/repeat every little thing 14 times because of shitty handling. Soja starts making weird squeaking sounds and can't help going in the wrong side of the tunnel.

If I was being played by Tina Fey, this would end up being really funny and we would all laugh at the ear steam and use it for quick mini facials and then Soja would run the course perfectly.

Soja would probably be played by a meth addled mini burro tied to a rocket sled because that would be funnier. And way harder to run.

And Tina Fey would still do a way better job than me.

If I was smarter than I am, I'd just quit now and make collages of cute dogs curled up in front of the fireplace with tiny scraps of recycled paper that I shred out of magazines with an exacto. Every magazine except the New Yorker. Because God says, Thou don't shred up the New Yorker but should leave it in dusty, unread stacks on the table so thou can't eat there anymore. But having the brain power of a meth addled mini burro, I will not give up and will try again this weekend. I think that's an inspirational quote I saw on facebook once. Tina Fey sure as hell didn't say it. She'd say something a million times funnier.

I hate her.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

meth addled mimi burros rock!!
valpig

Mary said...

Laura, you sure do have a selective memory. MY memory is that you and Soja killed the first euro course, and you just had trouble on the very last run, which was when all the other dogs were tired and way easier to tell them where to go. But Soja never gets tired. She just gets faster and more desperate to take all the obstacles AT ONCE.

Kathryn said...

Yeah, well, you know how you hate Tina Fey? There are a whole lot of days when I hate you in exactly the same way. Making me laugh. Hmph.

team small dog said...

I think I made it through the whole night without falling down, so that was good. Soja can get very irritated with me. But I am pretty sure she would bite Gwyneth Paltrow. So that makes me feel better. Hmph.