10 January 2011

Black Dog Black Swan, an as yet unmade film you would like much better than that other one in case you want to fund it.

A black dog wants to be the twinkly super star who dances around a frozen lake in pointy shoes, but everyone thinks she should only play the part of the delicate White Dog who has a sore leg. In a drug addled quest for perfection, she becomes more and more like her evil twin the Black Dog.

Both of them can do awesome running contacts and have eating disorders which make them eat stuff like the filthy burrito they find in the gutter and dismembered gophers' hands. They barf a lot. They live with a black hearted Mommy Dearest who tortures them by forcing them to visit an old hippie lady in a closet who draws blood out of their legs with a needle and tests it for worms of the heart, because she is horrid and neglectful and once forgot to give them their preventative medicine which supposedly keeps worms from writhing around their little dog hearts. Also she locks them in cages in her car ALL THE TIME. And never, ever lets them eat birthday cake. But tells them it's their birthday ALL THE TIME.

The dance director is a foreign guy with form fitting yoga slacks made of slinky material through which you can totally see his junk. He likes to sing La Vida Loca and dance backward around the frozen lake in jazz shoes. The girl from That Seventies Show thinks he's cute, and takes the sister dogs to a party and spikes their non alcoholic cocktails with ecstasy. This makes them wake up really late the next morning and they were supposed to get up at crack o' dawn dark o'clock early. The foreign guy thinks this is hysterically funny and runs off with the That Seventies Show girl to a mobile home park. She gets him tiny little sweaters that match her leg warmers.

Spoiler: The Mommy Dearest swipes the diamond party tiara and trades it on craigslist for a magic potion that brings back the dance director and makes the evil twin act like she's always on ecstasy and patches up the nice twin's sore leg and that makes the Mommy Dearest so perfect that she can totally train them to act in dog food commercials and films when they need a small black dog and they can afford to get a really nice apartment with exposed brick and giant skylights with sweeping city views. And no one ends up having heart worm.


Jodi, eh? said...

I will cater the production and even do some costumes but insist on doubling up the slinky material to cover up the director's junk.
I'm no prude but I just hate that.

Elf said...

This trailer makes me want to see this version of the film much more than the trailer of that other cheap imitation makes me want to see it.

KristineD said...

I'm afraid this post left me feeling like ecstacy was dropped in my mandarin orange spiced tea.

(At Jodi, eh?... ditto on doubling up on the slinky material. No need to see junk. To the shame of both MN and WI, we've already seen Brett Favre's junk this year. And that was enough thank.you.very.much...)

minnow said...

Dogs with eating disorders puking up gopher hands? So totally want to see this. The other sounds too scary.

Cindi Myers said...

Somehow I stumbled onto your blog this Sunday morning. I'm sleepy-eyed and having my first cup of coffee which I almost spurted onto my laptop! Like I said, I have no idea how I got here but I'll definitely be back!

Unknown said...

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