14 December 2010

How we get ready for the holidays at my house-holiday cheer edition.


I was going to work on being a champion today. I have my list. There's a lot to do. The first thing on the list is get back to pushups.

Except instead I looked outside and we still have pumpkins on the front steps. From Halloween.

Also there's a witch hat gathering dust on top of a lamp. And a stack of books a mile high in front of the stack of boxes. Boxes?

Hoarders. My house looks like set design from Hoarders. Finding the vacuum, not an option. Instead, I read an article about dog training on the internet. Which is a lie. I skim it. I barely read it. Because it's talking to me and the answer is Lazy. If you're not out training your dog right now, you're lazy.

Some people have Christmas trees. I have another stack of books. And folders. Since I have an acute inability to be anything remotely resembling organized, I don't quite understand my folders overflowing with things like scraps of envelopes scribbled with cryptic notes. That I can barely read. Quickly I squirrel away a top layer of small items into some old cigar boxes and add them to a stack.

I was thinking a nice Christmas gift would be assembling little carry packs for fleeing when cannibal apocalypse strikes. Axes for all. Antibiotics. Ammunition. All assembled into sturdy little daypacks with nalgene water bottles and personal filtration systems.

Gary suggests, maybe just go down to the bookshop and look there instead? Maybe I'd see some gifts in a nice, normal shop?

So I find myself in front of the flashlight display at Home Depot. I tried to find one store to visit where potential Christmas gifts lurk and I end up in caverns of Home Depot. I don't even know where all our flashlights are or if we have enough. Sometimes I like to shine them on things and then they vanish. We even have ones that you can affix to your skull. Although once the lights are all gone from civilization, I don't think you want anyone reading your beacon. You're going to want to stay anonymous. And flashlights, as a gift idea, become suddenly dangerous. Exactly the wrong thing. So I leave Home Depot, empty handed.

So much for holiday shopping.

The only other thing that comes to mind for Perfect Gift Item is a diorama of taxidermied racoons and squirrels in costumes with hats and little sets. Except where do you put them? And how did they die for their art? Even the most perfect gift item, fraught with problems.

I wish I was in New York. I've heard you get Christmas Cheer there, then you go frolic in FAO Schwarz and the Kiehls store is a mile wide and everyone there wears boots and a stylish coat. Everyone there is a champion, and has the holiday spirit. Well, except for the homeless and the working poor. And unemployed poor. Ironic hipsters with mustaches and models ride scooters with their dogs and their dogs wear little coats and they all go hang out in bars with exposed brick walls and chalkboards, drinking cocktails made of things I didn't even know existed.

My dogs amuse themselves with a toy, back and forth across the house. It's their special game together. No wonder they run poorly for me at agility half the time. I write myself a note about this, that they should be playing with me, and file it away by throwing it under the table. I consider going and looking for the box of Christmas decorations, somewhere under all the junk in the garage, and then realize, there's nowhere any of it could go, anyways. Due to the already existing hoarder set decor.

Then I consider setting up 2 weave poles, to try and start the fixing Gustavo's pole entry problem. But, you know what that means. It would mean going in the garage. We've determined we must stay out of there.

So righty-o. Just the other day I thought, maybe I'm the kind of person, that, given a big enough truck, would want to strap a Christmas wreath to the front grill. That was the first time I ever thought that. I thought maybe it's because I have a removable tooth. Now I'm ready to wire a wreath to a car. What kind of wire do you use for that?

I thought about it for about 3 minutes. And then I thought, not going to happen. And that was the end of that.

9 comments:

KristineD said...

In Wisconsin, we use duct tape to secure wreaths to our pick-em-up trucks. We have it left over from hunting season when we strap deer carcasses to the hood.

Make sure you put some duct tape in the cannibal apocalypse survival kits. You'll find a million uses for it! A set of the fancy-dancy dog agility fingerless mitts would be nice for your friends in areas where it's -22F this morning.

team small dog said...

That's a good idea. Duct tape could be a useful and unexpected holiday hostess gift all on it's own. As would a deer carcass. Excellent holiday tip!

Mary said...

Personally, I'm of the opinion that this day's blog, alone, let alone all the others is sufficient holiday gift for all your friends and family. Perhaps your enemies, too (not that you have any, but you have mentioned at least having stalkers).

Flashlights are excellent gifts. Everyone appreciates a flashlight, and they come in many interesting varieties, some involving flashing lights, which I am particularly fond of, personally. Your psychic abilities led you to the correct holiday shopping store! Trust your psychic mental abilities more!

Gayle said...

And you can now find duct tape in tie-dye colors at Target!! Makes it an even cheerier gift!!

Elf said...

Tie-dye duct tape is even better. Especially for those deer hunters in wisconsin, who I understand are really into tie-dye. I have some holding the front of my car together now.

Plus I agree with Mary that flashlights are great gifts. Those little LED ones that you can tuck anywhere. Get everyone 3 or 4, for their purse, pocket, glove compartment, dining room, bedroom, garage--perfect! (Mostly serious here, but maybe not 3 or 4.)

Mister Bunny said...

I am in NYC. It's 22 degrees, windy, and ice on the ground from yesterday. My stylish coat is of the Michelin school of style, such that the homeless guy outside of Starbucks called me sir.

We stopped running outside two weeks ago, and my weave poles and jumps are frozen to the ground. I'd take CA right now!

On the other hand my dogs love this weather. The puppy spends his outside time running frenetic loops that involve banking off the other dogs, barking, and running some more.

KristineD said...

Wisconsin deer hunters are partial to duct tape in blaze orange or with camo patterns. Or anything with a beer logo on it... except those brands commonly consumed with fruit shoved in the bottle.

My pups have not seen outside agility since mid-October. Their contact is an 8' snow mountain in my front yard. Jumps, weave poles, and the tire are buried in a snow drift under the deck.

California would be a welcome sight right now. I should ask for a visit to our Santa Rosa facility.......

maryclover said...

I have completely avoided all holiday decoration or preparation by being out of town for work. Hopefully the dogs are running in the snow of Indiana, while I sit in an airplane hanger in New Zealand waiting to go stand in the rain on a bridge for the next four hours. Glamorous I tell you glamorous. I hope my friends and family like the gift of gab because that's about all I'll be sharing this year. Thanks for all the Ruby updates. Hope she's feeling a bit better.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me feel better about my non-holiday festivity preparedness! The temps are in the teens here and we've already got the snowiest December on record. Oh, hurrah! I was mean and set my 2x2s across the deer trail so now they have to walk around. I'd like to see them weave but I guess that's not to likely.

Holiday greetings to TSD!