28 May 2010

An actual conversation between the humans in the Team Small Dog household.


The Lakers are on tv. This is an important fact of my house, not because I have any interest in basketball, but just so you can know the what life is like in my house. Actually, a lot of the time the sports sound is off and blissfully, we have something like the new LCD Soundsystem on instead. Compromise.

Jack Nicholson flashes onto the screen. He's really fat and wearing a Lakers yellow shirt under a black jacket. "Do you think him and Kobe talk to each other at games? Like Jack would be all, 'Hey Kobe,' and Kobe would be all, 'Hey Jack.'"

Gary pauses. "I dunno."

"Is that even allowed? If you have the million dollar seats and you're sitting right there next to Kobe, can you talk to him during the game? Or maybe you wait til the end? How does that work?"

Gary's not sure. He's never sat in the million dollar seats. "I think Kobe's kind of intense."

"Or like, do you think that Jack would have Kobe over for dinner ever?"

"I wouldn't know that."

"Jack would be all, 'Hiya, Kobe, wanna come over for dinner after the game?'"

I am not easily deterred.

"Or like, would Jack bring his favorite Lakers presents? Because he sits right there with them, right by their chairs. Like he would show up one night, bearing Rolexes for them?"

Gary grows weary. "I am just watching basketball."

"But don't you want to KNOW these things? These things about basketball?"

"That's not basketball. What the celebrities are doing isn't basketball."

"But I know this stuff about my sport. I totally know what is going on behind the scenes, in the stands."

This is true. You hear a lot of gossip at dog agility. We're all sitting there in our sturdy cordura folding chairs, ringside. Just like Lakers, except that some of the chairs have cupholders and people's names written on the back in puffy paint. Maybe a cowmilking nipple on a tie dyed fleece braid looped over the back. Have you noticed the chair hierarchy about the chairs people drag over to the rings? There's the nice chairs, chairs with cupholders, chairs with armrests, ugly chairs, chairs from the cute section at Target. People frequently shut up when I walk by all the chair people, and go, Ssssh, she'll put it on her blog. Like how much do I feature dog agility gossip, though?

I should point out that I'm not the one clued into it, people point these gossipy tidbits out to me. I sort of float around, not noticing a lot of the time. I'm having ring conflicts and emptying garbage cans. Like if someone has a new boyfriend and brings him to dog agility, this is noticed by people. People come over and are all, Did you see that So And So brought their New Boyfriend to the trial? And then maybe we stare for a minute and then So And So gets all creeped out and then we stop this right away. Because we might be gossips but we are polite gossips, damnit.

And I am not referring to dog agility drama. I see this as a different category than gossip. I run away from the drama. It frightens me, my sensitive artist nature makes me spook easily. When the thespians come at me with the drama, I tend to shut down and turn the conversation to the weather. Or wander off, with a spooky look in my eyes.

I do sit in other people's chairs sometimes. There's some gossip. I am a chair squatter.

Gary goes, "So what celebrities are at dog agility?"

"Um, none. Wait. Does Greg Louganis count?" Sometimes we see him. He's just a well dressed dog agility guy though. His dogs always beat mine when he comes for the Regionals. He has a really big motorhome.

"There aren't any dog agility celebrities?"

"I KNOW! Isn't this weird? Doesn't it seem like so many celebrities would be totally into dog agility?"

There is silence from the basketball watching couch.

"Like all the celebrity girls with their dogs? Should TOTALLY be into dog agility."

More silence from the couch. Steve Nash is a basketball player on the other team and he just got sent in. He's kind of hot, for a sporty guy, and also runs like he is a completely uncoordinated spazzaholic. He never took ballerina lessons. I think he would NOT excel at dog agility. I do not suggest this. I have found it's best not to comment on what I see as athletic shortcomings of basketball players. I can comment on the tattooing though.

"Someone once told me Laurie Anderson does dog agility." I am racking my brain to think of other celebrities. LA agility people? In your classes maybe? I used to hang out with my pal in Hancock park, and celebrities were always walking their dogs down the street in front of his house. He knew them all. But as far as I know, none of them took agility classes.

The tv cam flashes on Jeremy Piven. Dustin Hoffman. David Beckham. All guys.

The more I think about this, come ON! This is Dog Agility. Why AREN'T THERE any celebrities coming to our trials, and sitting in folding nylon chairs and competing with us? When is our sport going to break through? And there would be little flags to fly around on the cars. A healthy outlet for Sandra Bullock. Tyra shows up with a big box of Jamba Juices. Sharon Osborne and one of her small dogs? That's not asking for much.

"Steve Nash is a point guard," Gary points out.

"Do you think celebrities watch him play in Arizona and talk to him at the games? Wait. Are there any celebrities in Arizona?"

This time there is no answer. I get up, and try to move like Steve Nash. Yeah. He'd be the worst.

12 comments:

Mary said...

Why are my sympathies with Gary? Am I that disloyal?

And BY THE WAY. Totally forgot to consult you in your role as Branding Maven the instant I saw the USDAA logo because my first reaction was so laughter! Dog butts! Dogs sniffing dog butts! Now THAT'S branding!

Ellen said she hadn't seen it that way, "You have an interesting way of looking at the world," she said.

Come on. Am I crazy? Should I have a Rorschach test? Dog butts! I had to log in to USDAA (and change my password AGAIN) to find out the logo is (one) dog weaving.

team small dog said...

Gary is nice. He should have your sympathies.

I think the new USDAA logo is retro, with their We Are Astronauty typeface. Very man walks on moon/vintage arcade game. The designer was lucky-getting an allcaps A with the R-in-a-circle and U at the beginning does scream Justify with a top sitting tagline.

Wait. Why is Dog Agility a top sitting tagline?

Anyways. There must be some vintage, early '80's arcade game featuring gradient dog asses? I think that's where they were going. Like frogger? The frogs are trying to get away from you across the freeway and you wack them with a club so they don't get hit by cars? Isn't that how it works?

It was a popular game, Ken Tatsch loved it, and that's where they went with the logo. We will now all suffer forever because of it. On what planet does a gradient, every time logo is used in color, suggest motion of weaving? Huh? Huh?

Elayne said...

We had better hope the 'What Not to Wear' celebrity lady doesn't take up agility or we're all in trouble. I don't think most celebrities have time for hobbies though and if they did I'd hate to have to spend the day around them. You think there is dog lady drama now, imagine celebrity dog drama.

I torture my husband in much the same fashion when he watches soccer and bike racing and if you think basketball is bad you should try watching soccer and bike racing.

Linda said...

Up here in Vancouver we have movie star dogs cometing in agility. Does that count? No paparazzi though, so maybe not...

Jen Lindsay said...

Rumor has it that reality TV chef who was plotting to have his wife murdered was arrested at dog agility class. Celebrity status?

team small dog said...

Wow Jen-tell us more! This sounds like an intriguing celebrity dog agility gossip!

Jen Lindsay said...

Juan Carlos Cruz, TV chef, was arrested for attempting to hire homeless people to murder his wife. The police stormed an obedience club's classes in Santa Monica (Cheviot Park) with guns to arrest him. He was in the club's agility class with two small terriers. Classmates hid behind trees.

Anonymous said...

"But I know this stuff about my sport. I totally know what is going on behind the scenes, in the stands."

this is hands down the greatest transition ever in the history of dog agility blogdom...

team small dog said...

Wow, do I get a medal for that?

Anonymous said...

if you really want a medal, i have a second place PVP medal from a recent local trial i'll send... it would have been a gold except for an unfortunate off course into the wrong end of a tunnel at the very last obstacle of the whole dam event...

team small dog said...

You should keep this medal. It is valuable. I have lots of team Q's but have never earned a medal. I want to earn mine fair and square being a team champion, not just for blogging transitiondom. Gustavo is doing team this weekend. Maybe he'll get us a medal.

Or not.

Elf said...

Jennifer Roberson, somewhat well-known fantasy author, competes in dog agility. http://www.lunacat.net/authors/author-Roberson.htm.