An actual conversation between the humans in the Team Small Dog household.

The Lakers are on tv. This is an important fact of my house, not because I have any interest in basketball, but just so you can know the what life is like in my house. Actually, a lot of the time the sports sound is off and blissfully, we have something like the new LCD Soundsystem on instead. Compromise.

Jack Nicholson flashes onto the screen. He's really fat and wearing a Lakers yellow shirt under a black jacket. "Do you think him and Kobe talk to each other at games? Like Jack would be all, 'Hey Kobe,' and Kobe would be all, 'Hey Jack.'"

Gary pauses. "I dunno."

"Is that even allowed? If you have the million dollar seats and you're sitting right there next to Kobe, can you talk to him during the game? Or maybe you wait til the end? How does that work?"

Gary's not sure. He's never sat in the million dollar seats. "I think Kobe's kind of intense."

"Or like, do you think that Jack would have Kobe over for dinner ever?"

"I wouldn't know that."

"Jack would be all, 'Hiya, Kobe, wanna come over for dinner after the game?'"

I am not easily deterred.

"Or like, would Jack bring his favorite Lakers presents? Because he sits right there with them, right by their chairs. Like he would show up one night, bearing Rolexes for them?"

Gary grows weary. "I am just watching basketball."

"But don't you want to KNOW these things? These things about basketball?"

"That's not basketball. What the celebrities are doing isn't basketball."

"But I know this stuff about my sport. I totally know what is going on behind the scenes, in the stands."

This is true. You hear a lot of gossip at dog agility. We're all sitting there in our sturdy cordura folding chairs, ringside. Just like Lakers, except that some of the chairs have cupholders and people's names written on the back in puffy paint. Maybe a cowmilking nipple on a tie dyed fleece braid looped over the back. Have you noticed the chair hierarchy about the chairs people drag over to the rings? There's the nice chairs, chairs with cupholders, chairs with armrests, ugly chairs, chairs from the cute section at Target. People frequently shut up when I walk by all the chair people, and go, Ssssh, she'll put it on her blog. Like how much do I feature dog agility gossip, though?

I should point out that I'm not the one clued into it, people point these gossipy tidbits out to me. I sort of float around, not noticing a lot of the time. I'm having ring conflicts and emptying garbage cans. Like if someone has a new boyfriend and brings him to dog agility, this is noticed by people. People come over and are all, Did you see that So And So brought their New Boyfriend to the trial? And then maybe we stare for a minute and then So And So gets all creeped out and then we stop this right away. Because we might be gossips but we are polite gossips, damnit.

And I am not referring to dog agility drama. I see this as a different category than gossip. I run away from the drama. It frightens me, my sensitive artist nature makes me spook easily. When the thespians come at me with the drama, I tend to shut down and turn the conversation to the weather. Or wander off, with a spooky look in my eyes.

I do sit in other people's chairs sometimes. There's some gossip. I am a chair squatter.

Gary goes, "So what celebrities are at dog agility?"

"Um, none. Wait. Does Greg Louganis count?" Sometimes we see him. He's just a well dressed dog agility guy though. His dogs always beat mine when he comes for the Regionals. He has a really big motorhome.

"There aren't any dog agility celebrities?"

"I KNOW! Isn't this weird? Doesn't it seem like so many celebrities would be totally into dog agility?"

There is silence from the basketball watching couch.

"Like all the celebrity girls with their dogs? Should TOTALLY be into dog agility."

More silence from the couch. Steve Nash is a basketball player on the other team and he just got sent in. He's kind of hot, for a sporty guy, and also runs like he is a completely uncoordinated spazzaholic. He never took ballerina lessons. I think he would NOT excel at dog agility. I do not suggest this. I have found it's best not to comment on what I see as athletic shortcomings of basketball players. I can comment on the tattooing though.

"Someone once told me Laurie Anderson does dog agility." I am racking my brain to think of other celebrities. LA agility people? In your classes maybe? I used to hang out with my pal in Hancock park, and celebrities were always walking their dogs down the street in front of his house. He knew them all. But as far as I know, none of them took agility classes.

The tv cam flashes on Jeremy Piven. Dustin Hoffman. David Beckham. All guys.

The more I think about this, come ON! This is Dog Agility. Why AREN'T THERE any celebrities coming to our trials, and sitting in folding nylon chairs and competing with us? When is our sport going to break through? And there would be little flags to fly around on the cars. A healthy outlet for Sandra Bullock. Tyra shows up with a big box of Jamba Juices. Sharon Osborne and one of her small dogs? That's not asking for much.

"Steve Nash is a point guard," Gary points out.

"Do you think celebrities watch him play in Arizona and talk to him at the games? Wait. Are there any celebrities in Arizona?"

This time there is no answer. I get up, and try to move like Steve Nash. Yeah. He'd be the worst.