27 October 2009

Team Small Dog shares their favorite tv show with you and asks you to remember a few choice words for your next drinking game.

Let me describe. Find the HGTV channel. This show is ALWAYS on. The stars are an adorable couple that can be gay, interracial, young, old or even single, but is always photogenic, and they are going house hunting. They are either in British Columbia, Chicago, Scottsdale or occasionally, Virgina. Or Philadelphia. Actually, Colorado once. Sometimes even another country where people buy mansions on golf courses near off camera slums or Italian apartments where the washing machine is in the kitchen. But I get ahead of myself. The adorable people are going to go to 3 different houses, and their realtor is Canadian and has fangs. By the end of the show, they will pick a house, buy it, move in, and have children. And if you play along, margarita in hand, it's not just a show-it's a competitive party event.

There is a criteria in the kitchen. Granite countertops and stainless steel appliances are required. There might be some rumblings about the backsplash, but just watch how they run their fingers along the granite.

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Granite Countertops, Stainless Appliances

Everyone rushes to climb into the appliances to check for stainless steel.

The laundry room is a plus and sometimes, in exotic locales, it is located in a basement. A finished basement means there is a tv the size of a volkswagen down there, and an unfinished one means that you slam the bathroom door really fast and run back up the stairs.

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Finished Basement

Front loading washers are a big plus. It is always a big tip off that this is someone's first house, known to this channel as House Virgin, because they start jumping up and down when they see the washing machine and put in an offer right away.

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Washer Dryer

The bathroom needs to have a jacuzzi tub and a giant shower, if it is the shower in the master suite. Masters live in suites and not bedrooms. No one ever mentions the toilet. I think you are not allowed to say the word toilet on tv. Although they can say House Virgin on tv, and they usually point out how the shower in the master suite would let at least 3 people shower at the same time, so apparently showering naked with others is ok to talk about on tv. The realtor is from Canada. They do things different there.

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Jacuzzi. Garden Tub is acceptable. Although we're not sure what that means.

They have to make sure the furniture is going to fit in the living room and there needs to be a giant wall to hold the giant tv. And sectional couches. On the hardwood floors. With crown molding.

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Crown Molding. 2 Drink Bonus if buyer says it before realtor.

There needs to be like 5 bedrooms because everyone needs a bedroom and then there is the home office and nursery and PLEASE make sure it has crown molding. A house without crown molding, it's just not a house.

Outside deck for grilling. Although they just made such a big deal about the kitchen and the big fancy stainless steel twin ovens. Twin ovens. And they are worried about being able to cook outside?

Special Drinking Game Bonus Words: Outside Deck

Mature landscaping and pool. Unless it can't have a pool. This can be a controversial part of the show if the husband is super lazy and really loves laying on the giant sectional couch watching the game on the volkswagen sized tv and takes a look at the perfect dog agility yard and starts whining about mowing and wants a cement yard with the pool but the wife can usually pull the tractor with cupholder card out her hat and enact a really good save.

At the end of the show, everyone yells at the tv to select which house they should buy, number 1, 2 or 3. You will be WRONG and hopefully you did not put money on it because those buyers are a tricky bunch. While you are still reeling from their wrong selection, they put in an offer, close escrow, move in and have a baby. And before you can do anything about it, it just all starts up in another town. Viva los House Hunters.


Elf said...

These shows amaze me. Do you know anyone in real life who looked at only 3 houses and one of them was the right one? Last time I looked for a house, I looked at maybe hundreds on the internet and probably not that many in real life. There was a time in my life when I was looking for good appliances and crown moulding. This time, the selection criteria went like this: (1) Can I do agility in this yard with big dogs? [And note to other realtors, a "flat yard" does NOT consist of multiple terraces down the side of a hill.] If so, then (2) does the house have a foundation? that isn't rotting away? and a roof? That doesn't seem to leak? and electrical outlets?

Oddly enough, there aren't a lot of houses in Silicon Valley that met my criteria. I would never make it on that show.

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