13 October 2009

Cookin' with the Team - Sad, Lonely Cupcakes

It's been a while since I've attempted any fancy recipes in the team kitchen. Since the big rain storm was supposed to come in, and I should have been out covering things with tarps and battening down hatches and sweeping and whatever else it is you're supposed to do before it rains, I decided, actually, this would be the perfect time to bake some cupcakes.

I wasn't even going to photograph this. Wasn't going to be a cooking show. Was going to really concentrate. Do it up right. Come out at the end with actual cupcakes that could be eaten by others. Other humans. Like I could be like one of those ladies that brings baked goods to Dirt Nite. And wears an apron. And eats salads. Is kind to others.

The recipe is easy. Anyone could do it. Sort of like running agility with Hobbes the border collie. I walked up the other day just as his owner was about to tell someone he's so easy to run that even a monkey in a cowboy suit or Laura could do it.

Just like cupcake baking!

Even Laura can do it! Go get 1 box cake mix out of your cabinets and it's ok if it's a few years old, 3 eggs, and some oil. We had canola oil. I am pretty sure you do not get oil from the garage. Some kind of oil you find in the kitchen likely works best. Mix it all up and really, really, really try not to shoot the batter around the kitchen with the mixer.

Now is the part of why I like to call these cupcakes the sad and lonely cupcakes.

Because when you fill up the shiny little cupcake papers, make sure to drop the whole baking sheet, aka pizza pan, on the floor. Also, make sure you have just washed the kitchen floor first.

Also, if you really want maximum sadness, have Otterpop step in the cupcake batter, then cue some guy dropping off flyers coming into front yard. Because that's just like the little finishing bit that's really going to make it good. You're gonna use chocolate cake mix, right? Because that's the best color to have when guess who hates people bearing gifts like phone books or UPS stuff or mail coming in our yard? Otterpop, that's who.

Let's just try to forget about this part.

Try the filling up little cupcake paper things again. Put them in the oven. I wouldn't worry about how long, because they are probably going to burn anyways.

Here's my fancy invention. Make some frosting. You can do this. Find sugar in the cupboard, again, it's probably fine if it's a few years old. Check for bugs! Mix in some butter and some cream cheese and then, scoop it all into a plastic bag. Nick off a corner with some scissors because now you have become Pastry Chef. You can say this over and over again. Pastry Chef!

I thought this was so ingenious until all the frosting came out the other end of the plastic bag. Oh hell. I even had my glasses on and everything.

And then here's the ending where we get to the moral of the story and all that. The part where the grand total of cupcakes equals four. If my life was a movie starring Seth Rogan, there would be bong hits and me, Otterpop, the cupcakes and the mailman would group hug and sit in a Cost Plus papadam chair. If this was Top Chef, I was already voted off and Otterpop is still in the running for knowing how to make foam. If this was dog agility, there were dead people and once again, we didn't get that gamble.

I sort of feel like I am supposed to be learning something here?


Elf said...

On the other hand, they look like WONderful cupcakes. Perfect for a rainy day. When I'm done laughing (WITH you, not AT you, of course) I'll go feed the dogs and see whether that brownie mix that I bought before my last move (which was in 2001) is still in the cupboard. I have, at least, bought new eggs sometime in the last year.

Unknown said...

Learning, maybe not. Entertaining? Definitely!