19 August 2009

What are we fighting about this week in dog agility?

This is sort of hard to explain, my non dog agility friends.

Let's pretend that it's the Jerry Springer Show.

The guests are:
USDAA, played by my own personal California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
AKC, played by Sandra Bullock.
CPE, played by child actor turned security guard turned reality star turned unemployed security guard, Gary Coleman.
NADAC, played by Paula Abdul who may be drunk.
Canadian agility will be represented by Celine Dion.

Jerry has asked this group to come together because they all put on puppet shows. Different kinds of puppet shows. Yet the same because, well, puppets. And there's a puppet problem.

Usually, USDAA puppet shows are have the most spiffy, new fangled puppets who demonstrate the newest in weaponry. The AKC puppet shows collect some cool cash to pay for Sandra Bullock's facelifts. CPE puppet shows, well, Gary Coleman tries real hard, let's just say. And the NADAC ones are sort of hard to follow. Like the scripts got written while Paula Abdul was drunk and then the writers had to rewrite and then she sort of had a nervous breakdown and no one was really sure what she was talking about but at least she tried to make sure no one had hurt feelings. Up in Canada? Who knows. It's really far away. Celine Dion though, man can she sing loud and she lives in a beautiful mansion with her husband Rene. Although sometimes on South Park they make fun of her and sing Blame Canada really, really loud then kill Kenny.

So what's the puppet problem? Let's just say that puppets are a coddled bunch. Their handlers and agents and managers are always trying to book their gigs between chiro appointments and massages and trips to the psychic. They are valuable, important puppets. Super stars of the puppet world. And lest I be vague using the term puppet, just remember, you got your muppets. You got your sock monkeys. You got your hand puppets. You got your finger puppets.

Oh, you didn't know sock monkeys were a puppet? For shame. Puppet shows are for ALL puppets. Let the sock monkeys go on! Sandra Bullock may hate sock monkeys, but how many of you saw the Proposal, anyways? Huh?

Anyways. Someone discovers that if you always hold a 24" ruler up your puppets ass, it stands up way straighter than if you use a shorter ruler. Actually, it's not an ass. Puppets don't have asses. They're puppets. A 24" ruler, shoved up your puppet's puppet craw, better for puppet backs! On sock monkeys even! Muppets! Big Bird! Little plastic finger puppet even stands up straighter and has no back ache! Just because the ruler is longer!

Oh, some of you are nodding your heads and stroking your heads. The familiarity of it all. You remember when there was a puppet measuring unrest a few years back. That whole debacle over the the sizing of puppet theater roofs. That one got ugly. All the roofs were different and the puppets were dying horrible deaths and finally, all the roofs got made about the same size. The Terminator was the last one to cave. He has that machine gun and just can dig his heels in and start cursing in Austrian.

So Sandra Bullock may have been first to notice this ruler thing. She travels in Europe frequently. Although so does Celine Dion and she's not afraid to let everybody know. European puppets, so much more cultured. Posturpedic. Pastoral. Such nice long rulers and Sandra Bullock's got to have them. Paula Abdul, she's all safety first and is always the first one on the massage table, cocktail in hand and she is all over this ruler thing for safety's sake. Governor Schwarzenegger, he doesn't BELIEVE in 24" rulers because those are for sissies and thinks all those puppet agents and managers a bunch of whining sissies and will shoot anybody that comes yammering to him about ruler size. REAL puppets should be able to stand up ruler or no ruler. Hasta la vista, puppets.

Up in Canada, Celine Dion waved her magic wand and became a dual citizen between the US and Canada because she bought Las Vegas and Cirque de Soleil and made everyone's jaws drop with her puppet shows but also people were pretty sure she was a witch. She has perfect posture and you can be damn straight so do her puppets. She was constantly plagued by the cast of South Park though, no matter what she did.

Poor Gary Coleman. He sort of just does whatever. He's just so short. He's probably ok with whatever ruler size everybody else picks out. No one notices.

So anyways, they all go on the Jerry Springer show together. Do I even need to tell you what happened? The Governator, had a machine gun and sprayed a round off first thing. Sandra Bullock got all insulted and starts blathering on about her box office receipts. She's smug, but she probably is making the most money. Gary Coleman just wanders around and gets lost behind Jerry's desk. Paula Abdul gives everyone kleenex and bandaids that got nicked with the machine gun fire. She just KNEW something like this would happen. Celine Dion has been pre rigged in her Cirque de Soleil airs above the ground rigging and is floating around above everyone, singing.

Wait? What were we talking about?


Double S said...

Outta control laughing and subsequent outta control coughing... then peeing (just a little) in my pants, due to v v bad summer cold/cough that is killing my bladder control. Thanks for some great AM reading Cap'n! Made this sickie's day, fer sher.

I vote for the Gary Coleman strategy-- just cruise around behind Jerry Springer's desk and wring your hands a lot...

Perhaps the strategy we should work toward is variable random spacing???? Like why should dogs weave only one set interval on each set of poles??? How about 21, 24, 23, 20, 24, 19, etc on any given set??? Not exactly Celine Dion style serenity, but she's a good enough puppeteer to get all of her puppets weaving with randomness, right? Besides, Arnold could sure use some loosening up about all of this. You'd think that with the budget the way it is, he'd be open to any measure of improvement!

Simba said...

hilarious rendition of the weave spacing "issue".


Unknown said...

I am unable to type cause I am laughing too hard!! My dogs are concerned and my abs hurt now.

USDAA = Ahnold...LOL!!!

vici whisner said...

Excellent and informative post. I totally understand the issues now!

Elayne said...

Where do I send the bill for my new computer monitor? Or maybe it's my own fault, by now I should know better to put the hot beverages down when reading Team Small Dog.

Elf said...

Best explanation ever! Again!

P.S. to Double S: My theory on weaves is that if you have the most randomly spaced and angled weaves in the world, that my dogs will never have trouble in the ring with any weaves that have the slightest semblance of regularity. Like the time that weave pole #10 was skewed and a lot of dogs popped out there and many handlers were upset and demanded a recount, but my dogs never noticed because it was nothing compared to some of the leaning weave pole of pisa types of weaves in their set back home.

Cat, Tessie, & Strata said...

This might be your funniest blog post yet.

Out of curiosity, is TSD represented by South Park...? ;)

Anonymous said...

OMG laughing out loud at work while reading TSD (while supposed to be working) is so not cool! Everyone asking what the hell is wrong with me and am I choking?

BTW, Canadian Agility, although not perfect by any means, would allow Ruby to jump a mere 6 inches... Come on up!


minnow said...

Rulers are for sissies! And now I understand everything.

Heidi said...

just to let you know, I have deleted and unsubscribed all sources of information regarding dog agility except TSD. TSD tells you everything you need to know. Except I had to go buy more poise pads. Thank you for your clarity.

Double S said...

So glad I'm not alone, Heidi!

Sarah Duke said...

OMG this is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Great examples for each organization. Paula and Arnold are perfect! Too funny.