16 February 2009

Cooking with the Team - F**king Bundt Cake

So to prove I am a true Valentine, I told Gary I would make him a nice dinner. And what does he request?

Bundt cake and enchildadas.

O-kay. That's what your husband or wife says, too, right?

Well, not to worry. Because I am going to help you through the bundt cake part. Enchiladas? That can wait til another day. Go get some from the taqueria if you really need 'em by tonite. Today's project, baking.

We have had other baking debacles in the past. Perhaps you remember the Crack Cakes? Poor little children. Perhaps we should all forget the crack cakes. Let's. Erased. So just follow along with me here, and by the end, you may or may not have bundt cake. Just saying. Keep you in a little bit of suspense.

So the plan was to wear a pantsuit and platform shoes and basically, try to dress like Rhoda. Because I believe she was the Era of the Bundt Cake. But just the shopping for ingredients in the pouring rain was super taxing, and Gustavo had to go be a therapy dog, so all we could muster was a Track Suit. Eachan, are you taking note? I am baking bundt cake in a track suit. Sweat pants.

First thing, you need the Bundt Pan. We had this. Why? I have no idea. Gary says once upon a time I made this cake for him before. I have lost this part of my memory and the only proof is this pan, in the cupboard. You will notice mine not buttered. Butter your pan NOW! Because you will not be sad like I was at the end of the whole fiasco and start dumping in the batter and then remember to butter. F**king bundt cake.

Next you need the chocolate. I got the expensive kind and the Trader Joe's kind. Thought I would mix and match and still tell Gary I used the Sharfen Berger. He is a chocolate snob. I am all about the quantity, not quality. You need a double boiler. I just stuck some water in a pan and put another pan on top and called this double boiler which worked great until the chocolate started doing weird chemistry things. Not sure if that was supposed to happen.

This is the Trader Joe's chocolate. I think it works just fine.

Next thing there is sifting. I had to go and get a sifter. Six bucks I paid for a sifter. Who sifts? But I am trying here, kittens. I may not be able to follow a dog training DVD but I am trying to do this recipe. At first, sifting fun. You stick your flour and baking powder and soda and salt in here and just squeeze the handle.

Over and over, you squeeze the handle.

I mean really. How long is it supposed to take to sift? I hate you, siftter.

Crap. Don't forget the coffee. Which is supposed to be melting with the chocolate in the double boiler which keeps boiling over. Look who's on the coffee cup!

Put in the coffee. Crap. It's only 1 Tablespoon. Shit. The chocolate will be extra coffee tasting, maybe. F**king bundt cake.

OK. So far so good. Here is where it gets tricky. Do the math. 1/2 pound of butter.

All right. Fiasco begins here. How many sticks? Don't lick the sticks. Uh oh. Let me review that recipe. So I actually thought it said 1/2 lb butter. Which is different than 1/2 cup. So let's just cut to the chase.Thanks a lot, damn dogs. But I used exactly TWICE the correct amount of butter. Here's a math fact for you. JUST USE ONE STICK OF FREAKING BUTTER IN THE CAKE.

Let's just keep going along with the general theme of fiasco at this point. As soon as that mixer comes out, potential for doom. So in hindsight, it is recommended to fold the butter with the sugar, then add the eggs.

Oops. There was this thing about light and fluffy in the recipe. Um. Mine is not light and fluffy. However, let's just keep on keeping on here. Folding should also not be delivering butter mixture all over walls and camera.

Then, don't be fooled. Because you are not done with wet ingredients. I was fooled. I added the flour. HOWEVER, this is where you add the milk and sour cream. F**king bundt cake. This better turn out. There is this thing in baking where you are supposed to do it the way the recipe says OR ELSE. We just keep muddling through. Also add the vanilla. And there was cinnamon to add but the jar just looked like a jar of fish food on the counter and I totally forgot it. We don't have fish. Why would I have fish food out on the counter?

So the cake is called Marble Fudge. So you put your chocolate in half the batter and keep the other half plain. Try to use halves. Somehow my halves were not very halvy and ended up with way more chocolate batter.

You are supposed to put it in the bundt can some special way to make it do the marble thing. By this time, I am so over the whole recipe shit and I just sort of dumped in some plain and some chocolate and shoved it in the oven. Ha HA! You thought I forgot to pre-heat the oven? Well, yes actually, I did. So it took a while to actually put in the oven.

Gawd. What a day. So by the end of it all, did we end up with a cake for my belated Valentine? Yes and no. Looks like a cake. I consider myself very lucky here. Tastes? Um, different than a cake. Sort of greasy, queasy like. Not really chocolate or vanilla or marble or fudge or even bundt. Can't really place the peculiar flavor. Something you buy from a cart at the zoo? Does Beloved Valentine love it? In a polite way. He heard cursing during the butter and wet ingredients and cinnamon portion of the fiasco. Dogs? Yes INDEED! Score one for the Team. They love f**king bundt cake.

Marble Fudge Bundt Cake Recipe

Preheat oven to 325 if it is a dark colored pan, and 350 if it is a light colored pan.*

2oz Bittersweet chocolate
1 TBSP brewed coffee
2 1/4 cup cake flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 1/4 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup sour cream
1/3 cup milk

* Right there is your clue. This is not a bundt cake for dummies kind of recipe. BTW, my pan was medium colored. Shit. I got this recipe off the internet. However, you realize I didn't exactly use this recipe because I forgot the cinnamon and used 1/2 pound rather than 1/2 cup of butter. Better luck to you, my friends.


andrea said...

I'm sorry but OMG I needed that laugh today

I have been living out of boxes and on stress for too many weeks not to appreicate the F^&*KINg bundt cake

thanks ;)

Elf said...

This is SO much better than any cooking show on TV. Except maybe alton brown on good eats who is a little over the top AND could probably successfully do a bundt cake although not without a lot of food drama too.

Anonymous said...

Ow ow, my diaphragm hurts from laughing so hard.

You should print this out and give it to Gary for his valentine next year.

Jen Lindsay said...

Now this is a cooking show I would watch. When does Chef Ramsay show up to taste the F**king Bundt Cake?

Patti said...

Do I need to use the 1/2 pound of butter and omit the cinnamon in order to use the title F*cking Bundt Cake? Cause if I don't, I'm so making this for my next tea party.

team small dog said...

You know, was actually more edible the second day. At least by me.

Serve it at a tea party, serve it to your dogs. Put however much butter in you want. Call it what you will. Next time, I'm just picking up donuts.

Anonymous said...

What a total hoot! Thanks! Now try this instead, it's the "dump it all in I need chocolate bad" cake: 1 box devil's food cake mix, 8 ounces of sour cream, 1/2 cup oil, 1/2 cup water, 4 eggs, 1 package of instant chocolate fudge pudding mix (4 serving size), 1/4 cup coffee liquor (tip a bit into your coffee cup while you're cooking, 2 Tbsp shredded orange peel, 1 tsp cinnamon, mix it all up for 4 minutes, add a 12 oz package of semi-sweet chocolate pieces, cook in the 350 degree oven for 60 minutes (do remember to oil and flour the bundt pan), cool for 10 minutes, tip out. Yum! and guaranteed to control the chocolate cravings.

Double S said...

I second what Krystal says... that's the recipe for you and your man, Captain. Seriously. I make it without the cinnamon, coffee liquor, and orange zest, and only half the chips, and it's aces. No mixer, wooden spoon does it great. Only rule with this cake? DON'T BURN! Best after 24 hrs, but always always so f**king good.

There is also a yellow version of this cake, but who wants to eat cake if it's not chocolate???

team small dog said...

I could make this? You think? Perhaps we shall see...