Some healthy weight tips from a special secret guest who is Oprah!

This is my friend Oprah. You might know her. We used to hang out sometimes on my day off. It's been a while though.


How much do you love her couch? Oprah is richer than God. If you're her friend, she might give you Balenciaga and hand crafted donuts and a van.

We hung out the other day. It was raining. She packed on some pounds last year. I feel for you, Oprah. You eat the blue chips, I eat the See's candy. She is REALLY upset about it though.


I'm all, "Maybe you can have a banana for snack?"

She's all, "No way-total carbs. Is not on my food schedule. Grilled chicken breast!"


So I'm all, "LOOKY! Broccoli! Total healthysville! Hippie food! Just stick it in a pan!"

She's all, "Cardio! I hate the cardio but I cardio!"


So I found this. "Oprah! Carrots! Totally eat the carrots! Then just go take the dogs for a run out in the rain. I think you might have special gore tex dog rain running accessories, even?"

Oprah sighs. "I'm overscheduled. I do not love myself. No time for self. Self? Sweater capes?"


"Crunchy apple? It's orgaaaannniiiccc...."

I might be wearing her down.


"I put this in my coffee instead of Mr. Jack Daniels! It's non fat! Just switch to this, Oprah. And you could come to Dirt Nite this week too, help set jumps and stuff. We'll getcha running out there. It's like the new black for the over 50 crowd. Sophie and Timmy, they're up there somewhere scarfing down garlic fries. But you can do this with one of the golden retrievers, bring 'em up from the Montecito house. You still have a couple of those goldens, right? Watsonville Airport, right down the street!"

You can just see it in her face. A lot of my friends have this reaction now. "Always about the dog agility with you. Just not going to happen. The producers said it's just way too time consuming. Bob Greene never approved it and not sure if it's the way to our better Life. Oops, almost 5:00 and poof, I vanish."

She never gave me Balenciaga anyways. Or a van.