18 January 2008

Tim Gunn, you have just forsaken me.

Allright. I give up Tim Gunn. I give up Carson. Neither of you has been any help. To me or the remaining Project Runway designers or to the nude Lifetime channel ladies who all seek your help. We are all on our own. And you both used to be so important to me. I'm working without a net here. I may not be a specialist, and styling hasn't been my strong point in life, but I can say with conviction I am a generalist and I'm just going to dive right in here and tackle the problem like it's something I do all the time. I have faked it through worse. How do you think I learned to drive the horse trailer when I was 15 or just marched into that graphic design meeting with the fancy guys from a retail empire at the expensive Italian restaurant with all the weird forks and scared their old man pants off about porn on the internet? All in a days work for Team Small Dog.

Here is likely a common problem for many ladies like me in the Clean Run Magazine demographic. You work all day in the dust and dirt. Before work you ran your ass off with your dogs and it was cold yet you got sweaty because you just kept going, going, going because it was that kind of day and the dogs felt speedy and ready to go and no one was knocking bars or blowing dogwalk contacts. Perhaps even doing the teeter at far distances away flawlessly. Maybe you body clipped part of a horse during your day. You likely sat on some horses. You probably spent some time sitting on a fence yelling and making someone cry and carrying bags of feed and moving heavy jumps around. And then you are supposed to go out to dinner at 7pm and Watsonville is a whole world away from Santa Cruz not to mention it is after 6pm and you just finished checking to make sure everyone had on their blankets. You need an ensemble that goes from day to evening in a flash!

Hi! Run in the house, hug Timmy. Hi Timmy! He always recognizes me. He has to stay home all day without the rest of the team. I don't know what goes through his mind anymore but I feel VERY popular when I get home with Timmy. He is my biggest fan. When's the last time I washed this dirty old barn jacket? Left the boots at the door. No visible stains on the jeans. No one seems to have bled or drooled on a basic navy long sleeve t-shirt. There are some other shirts on under it. It is cold. You can't go wrong with 3-4 shirts. I believe it is called the layered look? Do we still say that? Oh wait, Carson you are not even listening. Let's just say we can call it that.

Add a sweater. Add the good shoes-Fluevogs! -note height difference! A good shoe with some height, that just smells like evening right? Even if everything else smells horse and dog. Add a sweater. Just wrap another sweater over your head. It is possible a husband is giving you a weird look but if Tim Damn Gunn isn't here then we're just going to have to live with this Damnit. Grab actual purse made by Dawn down the street and toss those small dogs a treat so that you do not come home to SOMEONE HAS GONE THROUGH YOUR BIG BIKE MESSENGER BAG TO FIND AN ANCIENT DOG TREAT AND EATEN THROUGH A TUPPERWARE AND DEMON SPAWN SMALL DOG BASTARDS HAVE STREWN ITEMS GALORE THROUGH THE HOUSE. Why do some dogs eat things like hats? Clearly because they are bastard children of zombies and have been born of zombie loins, all of them, to torment me and our troops in Iraq and the little Brownies selling cookies without trans fats.

If I had a million giant organza ruffles to wrap around my head, I would be happy to apply this to my head. If I had equestrian style jodphurs (doesn't this seem like something I should have?) and the best black fitted coat with genuine vampire collar ever, then that's what I would wear. If Christian could come over and show me how to stand better when I take my own picture to look more stunning and photogenic then that would help. If I had little sparkle hair things I would maybe not wear them in my hair because Kit Pistol is not age appropriate for me, but I would also not barf them up all over the front of an ugly dress just because I have the hypnotic power that works on Heidi and chickens and perhaps even donkeys that you want to teach to quit smoking. I just have my favorite sweater and shoes and I have the gall to throw them on over dirty old work clothes and stroll out the door to dinner.

Is this a problem? At least it is not a 30 billion dollar deficit. That is worse.

OK. Did you guys know I have just hired Mary as a consultant? Basically, she can just write this blog for me now! She also does photo research. Thanks Mary! If you can also body clip horses and wash them so they actually get clean and not forget to make the supplements, you may have a full time job!

Yes. This is the perfect dog agility wear and goes from day to evening in a second because you just throw the coat on over dirty barn clothes! You can wear ANY underwear with it because the pants are baggy and the top is flattering. I may have to experiment with running in the little '80's boots but I think I used to have those and run in them just fine. I may have been drunk though. A faux hauk is a risky look for me, but I think I could manage it if I had that coat! Madonna would wear this! So would Gwen Stefani! So would Kurt Cobain! So would Puff Diddly P Daddy! Thanks Jillian and Mary. We will assume Victorya (banned) had nothing to do with it.

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