15 November 2007

Thank your lucky stars she doesn't speak to you in tongues.


Run, Ruby, Run!

I know you all waited up to see it. Project Runyway is on again! It's timed conveniently for me, so you walk in the door covered with DIRT, and the dogs' feet are all covered with dirt. Only they don't walk in the door, they RUN in the door with their dirt to get some food. And then I have to take off my pants and shoes and socks and outermost shirt layer in the dogfood/washing machine/backdoor area to feed them because of the dirt. After I scrub off my hands because I can't touch the dogfood with all the dirt. And the dirt is getting on the floor and everywhere, no matter what I do.

We got to meet all our new friends. It was brief. We know the art puppet goddess lady who imbues her fabrics with grass stains and teas to invigorate them won't last long. It was almost evil of them to put her on. They let her stay last night I think, just to string that plot line along. They got rid of a girl with just one bad, ugly, falling apart dress. It looked like I sewed it! Not a compliment! There was a girl Jeffrey named Kit Pistol and a weeping 42 year old named Sweet P. I am a little worried about it this time, it's been such a perfect show for 3 times and they could blow it this year. And now I know why Tim Gunn never comments or tries to help me out. He is a Chief Creative Officier for Liz Claiborne Inc. and he didn't used to be that. Thanks Heidi Klum. I'm sure this also means no way does he have time for dog agility.

It does take time. Thank god Project Runway is on at 10pm. But what other sane people drive to the dirt at night after work, and in some of our cases, stay there til 9:40 in the cold covered with dirt? I drive 2 mornings a week to practice with my dogs on the way to work. I am lucky to have a weird, flexible schedule. And a place to train the dogs that is right by my work. I know some people drive hours for a class or to practice. It is a sickness.

This weekend's sickness takes me to Turlock. I can't even explain where it is. Far, on the other side of I-5. Fog, cows, fields. We haven't been there in a long time because there are trains there and Ruby has a train noise thing. I'm interested to see if it's better. Or worse. I am sure we'll find out. Certain noises don't just scare Ruby, they start talking to her in her brain and she thinks it's witches. Fireworks and guns just scare her and make her shake violently and climb under a low piece of furniture and just stay there shaking until the noises finish. Flies and trains and buzzing speak to her in excorcist tongue and tell her to go to the corner and spin around. Find a door outside and fling yourself onto it. Crawl under the couch and back out and back under. At agility, if Speaking with Witches starts, it could mean starting on a startline, running over the first jump and doing donuts out in the ring until I realize it's witches and pull her. A fun weekend in store.

I realized the Witch in her Brain may be Heidi Klum. We'll never know for sure. Boy would I like to see her covered in dirt someday, lugging an a-frame back to the equipment trailer in the dark. Take this, Heidi Klum's fingernails. Get out of Ruby's brain with your ice tongued, german inflected words of horror.

4 comments:

Mary Schultz said...

Thank you for the PR synopisis. Do remember, however, that some of us crack-like addicts of agility are much *more* middle aged than are others, and so, even though we get home earlier that the middling middle-agers with the very fast and elite dogs, despite staying to watch at least the first runs of the true crack-addicts of agility who run three dogs, sometimes in a row, plus setting jumps to three different heights, sometimes after back-to-back runs, and then stay to pick up all the obstacles they put out earlier including the very heavy ones, in boots. So that means that--especially if we, much more middle-aged people, had to get up extra early to teach extra classes for money to go to a trial in Santa Barbara in December (ok, maybe I am segueing into crack-addiction of agility, not just crack-like), and then almost break up a fist fight because one student called another student a bitch (not a problem in dog agility, I'd like to point out!), and then drive like a maniac from Cupertino to Watsonville, with a stop en route to pick up wonderful dog who has not had a chance to run all day long, at mid-way meeting point of Denny's dark, cars-coming-and-going parking lot where kindly and obliging son brings her--a DVR may be an Agility Accessory Necessary. Which means that it might be necessary to tell the DVR to save Project Runway for later, even though it it is the first show of the season and we really, really want to watch it, but we couldn't make it past *Kid Nation* (nevermind Southpark!). So, a synopsis, is OK, but don't give too much away until the at least 24 hours after the episode, m'kay?

team small dog said...

Wow fist fight! Was she really being a bitch? Worse than Heidi Klum?

That is a pretty tall order because Project Runway just makes me so happy I can't wait to just blurt out all about it. I will try to keep secret who gets offed though because I try to provide customer service, which clearly the fist fighter does not.

Mary Schultz said...

I really don't think one is obligated to give good service after hours? If I *did* think so, then I would have to write in a less fun way and make sure my modifiers were not Misplaced and then you would know that I had to break up an almost fist fight instead of almost break up a fist fight, but then that kind of service is what gives English Composition a bad name and sometimes causes Extreme Aversion to Being Taught. Which is in my opinion Actually a Very Good Thing.

But to answer your question. Actually, I cannot answer your question in the way I might have if it were OK to compare dogs and people, but it is probably wrong to so, for some reason I sense but am not completely sure of. So, just imagine that I just happened to feel like telling you the following little story for no related reason whatsoever.

Imagine it's a Wednesday Night Agility Class As Usual. Now, imagine on the way far side of the arena filled with dogs is a Border Collie who is a little bored. This is because most of Wednesday Night Agility Class for Border Collies is waiting around for his (we'll make him a he in this story, but I am *not* talking about Hobbes, who I agree is a Nearly Perfect Dog) turn. As in 57 of the 60 minutes. (This goes to show how *many* different Wednesday Night Agility Classes are all happening at once. Compare, for example WNAC for Basenjis.) Anyway, the Border Collie needs to amuse himself so he looks way over across the arena at a Beagle-Who-Is-Trying-To-Be-Good-And-Pay Attention-To-His-Very-Nice Human-Team-Member, and says, "Yo Mama." (He, of course, does not say this in words. It's more of a doggy telepathy thing.) So the Trying to Be Good Beagle goes ballistic because, after all, His Very Nice Human Team Member has just been dissed, and so he runs over to kill the Seemingly Innocent Bored Border Collie. OK, skip a few moments. Trying to Be Good and Pay Attention Beagle is back on correct side of the field, and just as he turns his head to enter the tunnel, just as he as been told to do by his Very Nice Human Team Member, the Bored Border Collie, says (telepaths), "Bitch."

At that point, of course, it is the duty of the Teacher of the Beagle- Who-is-Trying-to-be-Good-But-Failing with-Really-Good-But-Invisible-to-Pretty Much-Everyone-Else-Reason to break up the almost fight that is about to happen.

team small dog said...

Ah yes, the beagle/border collie dilemna. There's always gotta be something with someone out there. It can be sheltie/beagle. Border collie/airedale. Fluffy spaniel type/poodle. I've had to grab a lot more dogs out there than break up the humans. I think only once did I have to nearly break up humans but it was because of an airedale. A big plus of teaching dog agility vs. college classes.