In this episode, we visit Turlock, CA.

How do I describe Turlock? What is it about these places and dog agility?

To drive there, you go through long country roads and towns called Gustine and Hilmar. Have you ever heard of them? I didn't think so. I got there Sunday morning in the nick of time to walk the first course. Due to the valley tule fog, which covers the country highways/streets through tiny towns with lots of churches and donut shops and trailers like a big, morbid weight pressing in from all directions.

Fencing is made of twine and cats and sheep and tires and rust out there. It's like another country, once you cross over I-5. Sorry if you live in Turlock! I am sure you can afford a ranch there and can have the last laugh at my ranchless, stone throwing self. The dog agility field is spacious and sits nearly on top of train tracks one direction, a freeway in another.

Hello and kudos to Otterpop for Qing on a run next to a freeway with those 18 wheelers blowing down the line that you KNOW she had glimpses of in her mind of chasing down Highway 99 and running away forever but instead just sticking to the dog agility.

And Hello and Kudos to Ruby for not hearing Heidi voices in the train sounds and carrying on like a pro. Albeit, not sending out to the weave poles that were like 50 feet away or something like that in her gamble. But still. A fine job Ruby!

And kudos to Hobbes for doing the mystery weird upsetting table however also knocking a bar down thus not gaining that LAST Q for his LAA Platinum award, the highest thing you can ever GET in agility and it is up to me to get him that last Q! It was also my job to WIN Steeplechase finals with him and we came in 5th. I was devastated. Rob said, "Well, I could have come in FIFTH with him!" Oops. We tried. It was a great run. The time was like 30.63. 4th place was 30.54. 3rd place was 30.39. And so on. I probably won Rob $12 or so. Enough for a pie or a nice sack of fruit!

The dogs were all just fine. Some runs with Q's, some awesome runs but with a barn down. Otterpop did have a weird paranoia attack late in the day in her Grand Prix and ran sort of crappy. Not terrible, but I mean really. How many dogs look over the shoulder every 3 steps to see if the judge is about to kill them with a giant machete? It just isn't fun to run her when she starts listening to whatever demon that is. Goddamn Heidi, is that YOU? Her paranoia is more like a quickly voted off America's Topmodel girl in a slasher film and the machete/chainsaw/fingernails of sharpness guy is chasing her through the woods in her bathing suit and there is just a slim chance of survival. Where do you come up with these things Otterpop?

Gustavo just perservered and was super behaved and did his ambassadorship duties of making everyone his friend and bringing to light the existence of team small dog. Fine job Gustavo! No screaming or carrying on or running away. Although just in writing this I have rescued 5 contraband items from his chewing teeth. And he did complain somewhat on the drive home. Perhaps the quick stop at Old Navy (the only plus of the drive) just put him over the edge. I can't resist cheap cashmere made by tiny slave children with bleeding fingers. I just can't. It is wrong and I know it and I can't resist it.

Also, here is a Big Love quiz but somehow I ended up LOIS. Take it and see which polygamist you are.


Self portrait as a Lois driving home from Turlock where you know there are a lot of real Lois's. I guess? Maybe they don't practice polygamy. But there are compounds. I did answer one question saying I like to shoot Dr. Pepper bottles off my front porch. Which is a bald face lie. I would never drink Dr. Pepper.