31 January 2020


Agility trial tomorrow! Set alarm for 5:30am. Stay up really late watching riveting tv show where two tall realtor twins with stubbly beard faces cheerfully search for houses to renovate with expensive tile and open concept floorplans.
Drag self away from this fascinating drama on what happens when dry rot is discovered under the bathroom floor to go to bed.
It’s Dog Show Day! Wake up in the dead of night-morning, because there are pressing questions to think about such as what if there are really hard dog walk exits at the dog show? Did that bathroom end up with a massive tiled shower? What creative food items can you forage for your lunch since you never made it to the grocery store?
Try to go back to sleep. Except one of your dogs is sleeping on your foot and one is on top of your arm causing it to cramp. It would be terrible to disturb them.
Continue to suffer due to dog cuteness. And harbor minor concerns about start line scenarios requring an actual lead out.
Inquiries of the darkness continue. Is it worth it to buy a $35 water bottle because it’s olive green and has a cute handle? And when does late stage capitalism become post capitalism and are $35 jugs that exist solely to put water in part of this? Do the robots do the work for the knowledge workers and homelessness is solved or does the world just explode in a fiery ball because of behemoth online water bottle vendors?
4:55 am
Did you forget to pay the horse shoer? He’s going to be really mad.
How much would new kitchen floors cost?
Would new floors even be possible since the kitchen floor is slopey enough to roll balls for the dogs on?
Should you get a puppy?
Go to sleep. Success!
Alarm goes off. Surprise!
Make the coffee feed the dogs put on the clothes. Many years of practice has made this action possible in one run-on sentence. Doesn’t matter if clothes don’t match or are on backwards inside out, if you have two socks available, life will go on. It’s a dog show.
Load dogs and stuff into the car. One dog is missing. Go look under the covers. Back in bed! Turn on car, turn on heater, then just drag him out and put him in a crate with an extra soft blanket.
Drive drive drive drive drive. Listen to a book. Listen to a podcast. Listen to radio. Listen to anything but the news. Stick with old skool punk rock.
Stop at the Starbucks, you’ve done this drive so many times you know for a fact exactly how many minutes it takes to get there which is good since you really have to pee and you can get a TREAT! Cappuccino for five bucks! Fancy! You know why it's fancy? Muthatrucking sugar! You should enjoy this since you left your not very delicious anyways lunch on the kitchen counter. However did remember some string cheese for dog treats.
Arrive just in time to walk the course. Brr. Wish you had matching socks. Walk course. Randomly announce, “Apocalypse is the new normal!” Nobody notices. Course looks fine.
Take the dogs out to pee. Walk some more. Lots of walking. Ceasement of walking could cause awful things. Stiff legs. An E. Apocalypse. Keep walking.
Go check ring. Not turn yet. Keep walking.
Go check ring again. Still not turn. Keep walking
Go check ring another time. This ring is taking forever. Go sit on a bench for a while and just chill out. So much walking!
Go check ring again. Pretty close. Hang out a little closer and time for dog tricks, the five minute Startline Routine begins! This involves keeping dog calm while watching the other dogs, doing cute tricks, tugging within reason but not going too bonkers, laying down and whispering to her how amazing she is but for her to keep laying down and use her calmness. Continue game while creeping closer to the in-gate before turn.
First run of the day is finally here! Hooray! The moment you’ve been waiting for all week, Dog Agility Weekend, has arrived and you’re going to crush it! Enter the ring like you own it. Unfortunately, no startline available today, make a run for it and use that fabulous GO GO GO word heading for that first tunnel. Make a handling error at the wrap before the dogwalk, cause dog to crash a jump, smacking down the bar super hard and smashing the wing, try to finish gamblers but find yourself entirely too rattled to go on due to the crash and bail out, choking back tears.
Check dog. She’s fine.
Cry while walking dog, decide to quit agility forever because you are a satanic dog crasher smasher and just go home right now.
Un-cry yourself because at this point in life, NOTHING that happens a a dog show should induce weeping. Decide to remove head from butt and maybe you could give it another go and try not to be such a crummy handler
Walk some more. Dog will be fine if kept walking. Dog is pretty happy to be on such a nice walk, she didn’t seem to mind the crash at all. Notice that nobody wants to hear about the dramatic crash. Tuck that little note back into self.
Put dog away for a nap and buck up and head back into the dog show.
Build some courses. Wander around with the bars, march your counting steps from the tape measure, find the purple wings for the purple bar, look busy with the drill when it’s time to move the a-frame. Find more tunnel bags. Do not use unmatching colors on the tunnel bags! Hope that somebody else actually carries the tunnel bags. Look busy puting out the numbers for best tunnel bag avoidance.
Walk walk walk. Plan plan plan. Still consider quitting while ahead. Get dog out and walk walk walk some more.
Time for the 2nd run. Should there be a 2nd run? After much deliberation over quitting after that crash just try it.
Dog doesn’t smash into a jump! She does runs to get her leash before the last jump but success due to nothing crashed into anywhere! Manic tugging out of the ring! Hooray! Life goes on! First E of the day!
Repeat the walking scenario. So much walking.
Meander about dog show. Stop for random chit chats called How Was Your Run, where everyone tells you what horrendous thing just happened. Wave arms a lot when describing drama of earlier crash. Watch people back away during this sordid rehashing. Remember that you were trying to keep mouth more shut than open.
Build more courses. Tweak the teeter. Judge tweaks back. Tweak a little more. So many opinions.
Walk course. It’s snooker, and you never remembered to look at the map, so have no plan. Quickly find a plan! All the sevens are pretty hard, but what the heck? No guts no glory.
Set some bars. Miss resetting frequently when dogs hit the bars because you’re mentally ranking your top ten albums that you’d need if you were stranded on an deserted island allowed to take your top ten albums along with you. Even though you don’t have albums anymore or even cds so is this a futile exercise in the era of digital on demand delivery music?
Run some leashes. Forget to run some leashes when you are still pondering deep question such as would X's Los Angeles or Under the Big Black Sun be best for the island stranding? Where’s my LEASH is now a commonly asked question from the exit gate.
Change snooker plan. Knee hurts.
Walk back and forth to the car about 29 times. Forget reason for doing this after 3rd time. Walk dogs down the road again. Knee still hurts.
Run again. Mess up in Snooker. Leave ring with 25 points. But no dog crashing!
Repeat the dog walking, course building, marching back and forth to car, run rehashing scenarios, course walking, bar setting, dog warming up another time.
Run again. Amazing! Stunning! Must have been a win! Check results, wait, that’s 2nd place! Another dog a half second faster!
Go walk again. Do your best, but still get beat. That was that much coveted Grand Prix bye. Go sit on some rusty old farm equipment by the manure pile while the dogs meander around and munch grass. Grazing dogs makes one feel much better about the big loss. Second place might just be your thing. Not so bad. Life goes on. Winning’s not everything. You are a good person. Your dog is amazing. You’re not homeless or living in a burning rain forest or on a deserted island without wi-fi. You are probably just hungry so as not to appreciate these facts.
Go get lunch. It’s all gone. Supposed to eat lunch at lunch time, that was what you forgot during all those trips back and forth to the car. There’s some stale grocery store cookies left. With raisins in them, that’s sort of healthy. Kind of. Not really.
One more run. Build build build. Walk walk walk. Bar set for a while. Not feelng so peppy anymore. Forgot the special little cans of iced coffee when forgetting to bring lunch. Now feeling lack of caffeine and protein.
Dog shows take so, so, so LONG. Foot hurts. Not so much walking now.
Go hide in car. Drain cold dregs of fancy coffee residue from travel mug.
Finally, run. Run great! It’s getting dark, it’s getting chilly, but that run went amazing. Hang out to check results. Finally. The. Best. Time. With all the right lines. All the things you obsess on every single day. Hooray!
Walk some more. Stupid foot. Stupid knee.
Help move all the stuff out of the ring. Feeling draggy, jumper's run euphoria is over. Move things one at a time, very, very slowly.
Dogs walked once more and packed back in crates with their dinners, which you did NOT forget. You are welcome, dogs. Back on the road home. With a happy feeling that lasts all the way there, thanks to Nirvana, Prince, and David Bowie. All who would be included in desert island listening, just in case.
Arrive home. Dump out dogs. Trudge up driveway with sore foot Drop all the things. So many things. You forgot to stop at the grocery store, too. No time now, because it’s time to get ready to repeat the whole thing again tomorrow. Set alarm clock for 5:30, and see what's on tv. Oh hey, the plaid shirt realty guys show! And they're picking out tile again.
Out like a light on the couch, but hopefully will wake up in time to see if they get that dry rot under control. Life goes on.


Helen said...

Boy, I've been there and done that especially the occupying oneself with the numbers to avoiding other jobs during course building. I only go to one day of a trial now, getting up early is no longer my thing.

Terry A said...

How did you get in my head???That is all.