29 March 2015

Where did you go, teamsmalldog?

I believe that we left off at the goat invasion and grape sized bone fragments yanked out of a kneehole. If you really want to cut to the chase, because teamsmalldog is super good at that, the punchline is that the intuitive equestrienne life coach told me to make a collage, because visualization is important for life goals and aspirations in a time of transition. It is like the Secret! Remember that? You visualize the million dollars or the new bike and then, voila, life goes EXACTLY how you saw it in the movie?

So here we go.

Historically, Otterpop has functioned as a ranch dog. She enjoys spending her time lounging around, barking out orders, and riding the tractor.

Then she met the weed man. He decided to turn the ranch into a fancy, yet somewhat legal indoor pot farm. There would be homey touches such as steel doors and a police dog. And oodles and oodles of pot!

Here are some terms that Otterpop learned during this time. Medical. Cannabis. Sherriff. Attorney.

Banksy, being a border collie, was all, wait, isn't Medical Cannabis really just a Drug Business?

The weed man became very cross indeed when she pointed out this discrepancy in his business plan. Seemed obvious to Banksy. Banksy got very scared, and tried to run away into the road. Then she got scared by flying helicopters and tried to run away down a cliff. Then she got very scared by a bike and tried to run away to the pond. The she got very scared every time she heard traffic noises because apparently she thought the weed man was a traffic helicopter about to land in a pond.

Gustavo was sitting on the couch on his little soft blanket! He was all, I love my little blanket!

Ruby, in her sensible shoes with a paunch we will call charming, just kept on keeping on. She put her pointy, little nose to the ground and sniffed. She had eternal hope that this repetitive action would one day earn her a piece of dirty ham. She liked it that life was moving very slowly all the time because crappy swollen surgery knees have only one speed and this speed is so very slow.

This speed bump was too effing slow for Otterpop. So she joined the Pinkerton Detective Agency for a life of fighting crime, just like her friend Steve Buscemi of Boardwalk Empire and his theme song by the awesome Brian Jonestown Massacre. Because you know what Otterpop likes? Carrying a bat. So this seemed like a great idea. Wielding a big fat stick.

So far, nothing in this story would never happen to her. She has bohemian chic.

Which sounds like a disease, but it isn't! You know what is? The super awful horse plague. The super awful horse plague arrived in the winds of change and the horse died. There was a lot of boo hoo hoo and then there was a horse quarantine because of the dangerous awful plague germs.

This made everyone hate Gustavo. Who could ever hate Gustavo? Ha! Everybody!

Banksy got even more scared and made freaky crazy eyes, like ALL THE TIME. Luckily Otterpop, being in the business of private law enforcement, was of strong mind and body to stay on high alert round the clock to make sure no satanic germs got on any other horses. There was a lot of bleach. Handwashing. Sticking thermometers into horse butts around the clock. Because who doesn't want a clock made of horse butts?

Ruby kept walking around in circles. Sometimes she would bump into Banksy and this scared Banksy some more and she would go snap snap snap with her snapping teeth. Then Ruby was all, boo hoo hoo, too. Ruby ain't no flippin' helicopter, but there's no reasoning once a border collie goes kinda freaky.

Then the whole ranch was very sad because of the weed man and the germs, so all the horses and their horse people decided to fly away to far off lands. The land of rainbow unicorns! No germs! No weed! Except teamsmalldog only got the unicorn socks, no real rainbow unicorns.

This is called losing your shirt. Otterpop doesn't even wear shirts and she totally lost hers. But luckily, Banksy got to start wearing underpants! You know what makes a freaky border collie even more extra freaky? Underpants time!

Then Ruby almost bumped into 3, count em 3, full sized coyotes! Gustavo was all, maybe we should have kept sitting on the couch? He said this with a smie on his face. Gustavo never, ever complains and wins the medal in this department. Just that, when he smiles his tongue falls out the side of his mouth because he has no teeth. Otterpop was on a leash for 3 coyotes! Banksy wasn't wearing her underpants! Even though there's no running on crappy, former knees, there was running! But nobody died.

OK. So there you have it. If you are still looking for team small dog after all that, you can probably find us all curled up in a ball under the couch. With the dust bunny carcasses of former tennis balls and Kurt Cobain's ghost, pondering when it became a thing for every single hipster dad with toddlers in my neighborhood to have a bushy beard and a meth guy wide brim ball cap. I'll be busy reviewing these facts to see what muthatruckin' transformational process future they reveal.

If you are a soothsayer and you already know, stick your message in a bottle and huck it out to sea. Or stick it in the wish tree. I'll get back with you shortly.

Over and out til then, yer pals, laura & teamsmalldog


Unknown said...

Damn girl. Shit goin' down.

Keep us posted.

Unknown said...

Oh dear, underpants time on top of everything else. Glad you are back though... been looking and looking and couldn't find you anywhere.

Anonymous said...

i did wonder where the team was, but like The Dude, teamsmalldog, i knew you were abiding. somewhere somehow.


Tammy Moody said...

I just thought you were off reading comics and eating apple cider caramels. Good to have you back.

Anonymous said...

my, lord.

Anonymous said...

My. Lord.

team small dog said...

Heidi, that pretty much sums it up. It being easter and all, George Harrison would have probably suggested My. Sweet. Lord. Hare. Krishna. Amen.

Elf said...

Oh crap and crap and crap again, I'm so sorry to hear all this. :-( I think it might have something to do wit Kurt Cobain, now that you mention it, as he died 21 years ago on almost this date. I can't even believe that it's been that long--seems like recent history to me but most of my legally adult nieces andnephews weren't even born then. It sucks to have everything yanked out from under you like that. I hope that some good things come along for you.