Because we went to this part of the forest again, yesterday and today, Gustavo is scared to walk on the path that goes down into the gulch. The one where you have to traverse steep across several springs and the one that has the place I crawl hands and knees under a fallen tree to rejoin the path.
There's a piece of this path that has an unspeakable beauty about it, but also where you walk into an electric current of danger feeling zone.
It's a funny spot in the forest, we don't go to this section a lot, because something feels wrong when we do. I make sure to never, ever speak above a whisper in there. I'm always careful to not roll down the side and fall all the way to the bottom. I look both ways when crossing the creek, I look across for if something's there, I look up and don't see nothing. The dogs just look freaked out.
I always have to go back in again, and see if that feeling's still there. This might not be the right thing to do. But we do. You have that moment, when you go for a walk, when the walk decides which way you go? You do that too? It decides for me to walk on that path, turn left where someone built that fire one time. Nothing bad has ever happened, but we all get the sense that something doesn't seem right, that it's a good thing we started running, and that we were lucky that all of us together come back out.
It's the walk with the terrors. I keep taking us in there though, because I can't figure out why. That electric current has me hooked. There's a narrative in there I can't quite find. And I like that spot where the 2 creeks turn into one.
Now Gustavo is too scared to walk this walk anymore. You would think the light of day down there would be better than when the sun has already started to sink underneath black trees, but in the light of day, the badness is worse for him. Even in the light of day, he walks trembly at my ankle, Ruby's everlasting spot. He pants and looks like his eyes see ghosts. He walks like this til we get up to a different path, over some logs and back to where it feels ok.
It's how he used to be, back when he used to hallucinate, back when his brain got filled up with the seizures. It's how he never is, anymore.
He goes back normal, up on the other path. We know everything that's in there. He just looks back for me a lot, not letting me go out of his sight. I think that, maybe, we're supposed to stay out, down where the path goes to the gulch. I will try to, next time, not go in.