14 April 2013

Helpful life tip for you if you spend a large portion of your life walking around in the forest and blending is a concern.


Probably, if you are walking around in the forest a lot, you have some kind of excellent reason:

You have to talk all day long at work and there is no talking allowed in the forest.

Logs and rocks, they do not judge you.

You wish you were a squirrel, except not one like a rat, more like a whispering, 6' high, short tailed squirrel with superior intelligence.

You are trying to find a path that gets you to the road where you tried to buy your ranch, which was just a dirt patch edged by a house with rotten stairs, that got outbid on in the eleventh hour by some real estate bitches who paid a ginormous cool chunk of cash over the asking price to buy it out from under you and made you realize that you are never, ever moving out of your neighborhood and forever will live across the street from the old guy who collects broken washing machines.

With reasons like this, you should dress accordingly. Fashion forward, fashion first. And we all know that nothing says BLEND quite like camouflage. Not the polyethylene genre that deerskinning, gunslinging psychopaths favor. More like something you would wear in Portland to walk across a bridge over the river where the punk rock skatepark is. An outfit that includes boots, even if they're only boots of the mind. I try to always wear the color of leaves and dirt, although sometimes I enjoy topping off with the bright orange puffy.


One can also accessorize with dog who freaks out forest dwellers when he streaks by them like a tiny black fox. Just because that's funny to watch from where I hide in the bushes.

Is that wrong to hide in the bushes when you see others in the forest? You do that, right? Or at least run away really fast?


Glasses? Wood grain. Plastic moulded and decorated to resemble a tree. You wear these if you are feeling like having a day that isn't blurry. To see leaves for the individuals that they are. It's ok to be blurry on alternate days. Faux bois glasses don't let your eyes betray you for any bad life choices.


The ground here is ancient metamorphic rock, precisely 97% calcite. It is land that is one million years old. Every day is it's birthday! All the trees here are just babies, regrowth after being clearcut and pulled out of the gulch by horses long before cars had been invented. Before lowriders. Before motor boats. The water that burbles up from subterranean secret passageways has been coming up here a long, long time. Everything in here is way older than I am.


If I owned concealer, this is where I'd wear it. I think I would apply it with a tiny brush and let it soak in really good. Until I disappeared.

3 comments:

Jenn said...

oh yeah

Jodi, eh? said...

I have convinced myself that I don't need glasses because then I would have to see the crisp and harsh lines of reality. Is that denial, or just vain?

Elf said...

I hope someday you get your ranch.