07 March 2012

If I knew then what I know now, shit the Dalai Lama might tell you if you guys were having drinks and discussing evil robots.

Here is where I listen to advice best. Actually 2 places. One is a bar that I won't disclose the name or location of, due to the robots. Who are watching. But it is dark and has old brown wood and a lot of vintage, peeling crap on the walls and the bar is worn smooth and only a little bit sticky. The barstools are padded and square to fit my ass. Many times an ironic movie plays on the tv screen over the top shelf's sparkling albeit pricey bottles reflected in the mirror, sometimes it's black and white and sometimes it's stop action animatronic beasts. Doesn't matter which, because the sound is off and I won't watch it because movies lull me to sleep. Meet me there, have a drink, and I can listen because then I know you're a friend.

You will have to lean in close to whisper in my ear because it is loud because we didn't realize it was a band night and in that band is one of the girls known as the Vivian Girls thus making it really crowded due to the righteous fact of they play frigging loud and actually we may have to vacate to go out and sit in the garden, under a wisteria draped arbor, on white plastic chairs purchased somewhere like Walgreen's or Home Depot.

The other place I was going to say is sitting quietly in white plastic chairs, somewhere where the air is warm. So these 2 places are nearly one. You know the chairs I mean, hopefully you have never actually been one to purchase such chairs but were able to recycle them, they proliferate like flies and are produced in China out of molds by slave labor, yet some of the best advice offered has been from these chairs. Preferably this place is in a desert but it could be in the woods. It could be out on a field or under an arbor in the yard. There may be outside distractions, yelling and such, or a campfire, but distractions are part of life, and there, you my friend, can tell me things where I will listen and go forth unafraid, to make our world a groovier place. Dig.

Here, sit here on this chair, and I will sit on this stump, because today, I will tell you some lore of an agility old timer and this shit you will hear and you might say, "flipping toothless weirdo" in your best Austin Powers accent or you might say, "your loving daily practice of reflecting on the benefits of love and compassion and integrity blow my mind, big grasshopper."

This is what I think this day is for. And to this I tell you now:

It is hard to find a skort that minimizes muffin top while running and moving one's arms, but if one is determined to rock a skort, then one is advised to select one's skort carefully.

Ha, sort of not about the advice I was intending at first, but just as an aside that if nothing else, you may heed. Ladies. And gents if it pertains to you. New things I am learning as I upgrade myself to old timer. Moving on.

Evil robots are everywhere.

Kurt Cobain said it best. "Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you."

Maybe they're only watching, but just their presence gets into your head and once embedded only terrors and bad things will come of this fact.

I don't know scifi very good. I love the aesthetics of space guns but not much else. Star Wars doesn't move me as a fable and I take Star Trek as an exercise in kitsch more than anything else. I am more into grim, dusty, desert reality tv. But this is know. There are evil robots and if I had always known this, the sooner I would have began to execute them, swiftly and methodically, in cold blood.

To offer you the burden of unwanted advice, please print out this robot eradication plan in powerpoint format. It is geared towards you, the fine people of dog agility land, but can probably be repurposed towards other areas of your life. And in the spirit of Dalai Lama, Woodstock and Burning Man, is free. I will accept barter should you offer it.

Free people. Eradicate your robots.

1. Tune your mind-waves elsewhere. Take it out of the sideline peanut gallery where the peanuts disguised robots blend.

2. They are watching you practice, embedded ones in the trees. Do your practice right, and if you just practice la la la, easy stuff, or don't listen to your cores about rewarding enough or rewarding the right thing, or judiciously improving your handling skills, they have this information and can use it to kill you later. They are evil, remember, these robots?

3. Each time you pass a giant tree, stop, lay your hand on it's bark and listen for a second. You hear mind-waves? Evil robot embedded. You hear nothing? Excellent. Search this way for a coach or mentor that passes no mind-waves, just awesome information and listen with the same quietness. Do not lay your hand on their bark.

4. Before you lay a load of roboteeze on another human*, passing the plague like a bacterial infection in spit, draw a picture of your spirit animal, maybe the Lone Ranger's horse, Hi Ho Silver, in your mind, and let this image wash away the smoking words like solvent on gum.

*Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, "Would an evil robot say this?" is a good way to test for whether this is in roboteeze.

5. Costco is a main breeding lair of evil robots. If there is a Costco within 50 miles of you, you are pretty much screwed.

6. Make sure you have some secret code words. DO NOT WRITE THESE ON THE INTERNET EXCEPT FOR IN CODE. Or else the robots might see. You can say these words to yourself at dog agility or whenever you want.

I have tried to deal with the robots in many ways, including aluminum foil on head and that of my dogs. I haven't put it in my windows of my house because I am pretty sure this is when you cross the lines to crazy person and evil robots then have rights to cart you off. I have tried to take information from Canadians, experts, agility pals, and the internet. None of this has worked all the way. Just like you are reading this information and you are probably not taking it, but you will think about it later, perhaps when you're eating your sandwich and considering the likelihood of massive Burmese pythons escaping the swamps to eat your dogs and maybe you.

Why we do me and my dogs agility? To get faster and more lithe, the better to escape the evil robots with. There are other ways to do this. The obsessive hobbyist tries it through Zumba class. Televised a-thons with housewives or house hunters or house despairing.

If I knew then, what I know now, that I do agility to kill the evil robots but that to do agility you have to kill the evil robots, I would have had a better plan earlier. My own plan is still half baked. I still think that if I can make it to champion, a lot of robots go by the wayside. Like you know when Sigourney Weaver is fire gunning aliens out of the rocketship to the moon and then is an avatar scientist? But she is still a really nice lady who doesn't get old sucking down whole sixers of Bud Lite on the couch?

All about the robots.

This presentation has been brought to you by dog agility blog day. Hopefully it was helpful to you. Pass it forward.

Download this powerpoint lecture in pdf so you can play it on your ipad.

Download this powerpoint lecture in ppt format. Not sure what that means.

Download this powerpoint lecture in odp format. I think this has something to do with WuTang clan.


Anonymous said...

gruut zxoch din fibdL bo dina do. yerch kia ven ratrag igo. i know the robots are patrolling blogger, so i put the important stuff in code. hujik lp goh wenzert mig.
i think kurt had it right. lllggjs!!! i am pretty safe. costco is 300 miles away.
does this prove i am not a robot?

team small dog said...

valpig, your brave struggles with robots to just post comments here are an inspiration to me. You are probably in a good spot out there, far from costco. Although the fracking in your neighborhood may provide you with other challenges...keep up the brave work!

Unknown said...

To say that I "get it" and "get" your post...what does that say about me?


team small dog said...

OMG Mary, the robots totally made your comment show up a bunch of times then deleted it. Or maybe that was Rocket. Good job Rocket!

Melissa, I don't even know what to say about what it says about you. Probably you are on a righteous path of robot eradication, keep up the excellent work.

Christopher Oliver said...

Please prove you're not Donald Barthelme.

Type the following mundane phrase: ...

Elf said...

"Would an evil robot say that?" Words to live by. Although I'm not sure whether that's to discourage me or encourage me to say what I'm thinking.

jodi, eh? said...

...on second thought, maybe I won't come to California...

maryclover said...

Mary, you scare me, but I guess that's part of the evil genius of robots. TSD I believe that just by posting this you have foiled the plots of numerous evil bots. Thank you.

Jodi, eh? said...

Mary, I always get you mixed up with Mary? In any case, all you Californians are very weird and slightly obsessed with robots, I am starting to see that TSD may be a bad influence after all.

Here's a tip for reading the not robot proof words...shut the lights in your room, tip your head back, squint your eyes, and ask your husband who is 8 yrs younger to tell you how to spell them. Works every time!

Celeste said...

I was once a robot in an improvised play. People actually paid money to watch it. I had an old metal colander on my head, and spoke Beepster. After a couple of weekends, the other characters asked me to go back to the planet I came from. So I did.

Kathy Mocharnuk said...

I am just totally relieved my manners minder appears safe so far-I have three and geeze I could be in some serious shit otherwise...

team small dog said...

Mary you HAVE successfully battled the robots because you actually were one and now you aren't! You never look like that anymore because you can run wherever you need to go when Ariel is in the weaves now!

Diana (last name withheld for fear of robots) said...

I am not sure distance from Costco is a reliable safety standard. There is no Costco where I live, but evil robots lurk in fields, barns, and soccer complexes. We do have Sam's Clubs, maybe it has the same affect.

I try not to make optical contact with the evil robots when their antennae start twirling and their claws (or claw) comes out. If that doesn't work, maybe in future I will just answer "I for one welcome our robot overlords" and walk away.

I will try the bark technique, thank you for the tip.

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