Here's where I'd like to have USDAA Nationals.

If I was Mr. Ken, Big Boss of USDAA, I'd put my foot down and have the Nationals at Disneyland. Except not the real Disneyland, a new one, closer to the beach where they also have live ponies instead of animatronic ones. And where cocktails would be served at attractions other than the restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean. Anaheim can be really hot and there are too many freeways. There are probably bug infestations at the nearby hotels. The new one would be near the beach and pitbulls could come, there are already lots of pitbulls near the beach and everybody's used to them. Also there would be free parking. FREE PARKING! AND TACOS!

And I'd actually make sure to have it on a holiday. A National Holiday, in honor of the Nationals. I'd have it on Halloween.

And since it would be on Halloween, the prizes would all involve candy. Not just any candy but See's Candy. And not just suckers. Those are chintzy. Nope, I'd give out little hat shaped boxes with either nuts and chews or soft centers iNCLUDING the fruit flavored ones to all the winners.

I know that's controversial. Some of you hate the fruit ones, and you know what? Tough shit. Because I like the fruit ones and if I like the fruit ones, then you're getting them too. Like 'em or not.

And if people started complaining to me, I'm not sure what I would do. First I might try to use excellent customer service words. I rehearse these words a lot, so that when I need them, I can repeat them without having to roll up my sleeve and see if I wrote them near my elbow in sharpie. "I hear what you're saying. I am listening to your concerns." I would probably try to repeat these words several times, and even if my eyes were looking up at the clouds, so fluffy and light while I was saying them, I would keep murmuring them in a kind voice.

And then pull out photos of the ponies! And the beach! And probably of puppies, too.

I would show them course maps of challenging International Style courses, and tell them, but all the courses, they will look something like this! Fun fun fun!

And then if people kept whining and complaining, like really wouldn't stop complaining, I would just turn off my phone and stop checking the email. And I would sell most everything I owned, and I would buy an airstream trailer, one that has a shower in it, and I would hook it up to my truck and load up all the dogs and some crates of fruit and a couple pounds of See's, and we would all take off across the loneliest highway in the world and spend a lot of time wandering around in the desert looking for shiny rocks. I think we would stay out there a long time. Probably the new Disneyland wouldn't even get built. Which would be ok. That's a lot of what should be staying in a rain forest going in to what, another Tiki Room and Haunted Mansion?

I guess I would just stay out there, floating along, somewhere in the desert. And life would be grand.