03 October 2011

A public service tutorial regarding the institution of succulent farming.

I am jealous of my friends that have vineyards and tomatoes and corn mazes and orchards of fruity trees in their yards. Oh, and agility equipment. When the apocalypse begins, they'll be living off the land. And running around with their dogs to stave off the bordeom between waves of zombie attacks. Unless they've been decimated by a horrible blight or mutilated in an early death wave. Over here on the westside, I will probably have to turn cannibal and become a crafty scavenger to survive, unless I can learn to eat succulents. And forget about dog agility. If eveything I've learned in the movies is right on about the future, I'lll be spending a whole lot of time just wading around in murky sewers, hiding my dogs from the evil robots.

The whole let's buy a ranch thing didn't work out for us. We do live by the beach though, and while the economy is still limping along, we can go to many conveniently located grocery stores to buy food. Life is good. Strawberries are still in season. So I am pretty satisfied being a succulent farmer.

Succulent farming is totally easy. As seen in Sunset Magazine. Which I only read ironically, ok? Not like I'm making terrariums or something here. Farming! Just grab some succulents and rip off their limbs then stick them under a chair on your deck for a few days until they become scabby callouses. If you don't have any at all to rip up, you could also drive out to the wholesale succulent nursery in Prunedale. Or get some at the nursery right by my house. Succulent babies are only $2.50 there. If I have cash in my pocket, it burns a hole in there until I buy some succulents. This is a sad thing when it's pay day for dog agility class.

I think pay day is this week for dog agility class. Shit.

So anyways, once you're all succulented out, however you do it, get a bowl or a pot or pretty much anything, put some rocks in and then some dirt. I bought a huge bag of rocks for $5 the other day and this pleased me to no end.

Then, you just grab your succulent limb and stick it in the dirt.

Thats all. That's it. You have just farmed and propagated your succulent and gone forth and multiplied and you have more succulents. The object of the succulent thing is more, more more, because they are so cool.

I have about a million of them. I have no self control around succulents. They do die. A lot. I am a terrible gardener and I forget to water them or move them to a sunnier or shadier spot. Since I read Sunset Magazine ironically I don't comprehend all the succulent rules. But it's ok. I just rip off more limbs of something still alive and get more.

As farming goes, succulent farming is probably the easiest and fastest kind there is because pretty much it involves ripping plant arms off and throwing them on the ground then just sticking them in some dirt at a later date. I do wish I had things I could eat growing out there, but I just can't get past the succulents. Besides, in my neighborhood, being an urban farmer is like so 2010. I am like the only one on the block who doesn't have chickens, bees, and raised beds sharing the parking spot with the Prius.

Although I think succulents were actually very 2008. I will pretend not to care.

We're not going to France or Kentucky for agility. Succulent farming is fun and all, but probably flying on an airplane to another country or state with Otterpop or Gustavo in a tote bag would be a little bit funner. Maybe some day, a some day far away in the future. Probably when evil robots have taken over and we are out of food and there's no oil to be had so planes will have stopped running by then anyways. But you know what we'll always have? Succulents. There are always more succulents.


liz said...

There are always more succulents. (Right now I have variegated jade bits--shorn off by dogs dancing on the patio table--and christmas cactus stolen from my MiL's plants drying out right now, waiting to be stuck in some cactus mix... )

When I used to have >3 dogs and a "real" job, I was a pretty decent gardener. Lots of time spent dragging hoses to and fro and dollars spent at quaint nurseries on exotic specimens. I had quite the garden.

Now, a few years later and many hours spent running planks and training dogs to stand in boxes instead of tending gardens, all that are left are the succulents. And maybe a few very tolerant staghorns and philodendrons. I have somehow managed to nurse two meager pots of tomatoes and saved my parsley this summer--but I also killed off the rosemary out of sheer neglect. Now thats embarrassing.

Succulents were made for people like us that have bossier beings to attend to.

team small dog said...

I have never been a good gardener, but I sure do love my succulents!