26 January 2010

Hello and welcome to the movie Avatar, which has at least 14 strikes against it, yet which, inexplicably, I loved even though giant blue cat aliens.


So if you were to tell me I would like a movie that starred giant, blue Smurf Cats in the future, created by Computer Graphics, I would say, ha HA. I am a lot smarter than that and never.

Then if you said was one of those bad white guy military industrial complex with racist overtones about the natureyness of the Other and the Myth of the Noble Savage, I'd be all, yeah right. Been there, done that. Would rather stay home and scrub grout.

And then if you said it was made by James Cameron and was kind of like Dances with Titanic Jurassic Wolves by Willy Wonka the Lost Lion King, I would probably just barf, right then and there. Oh, James Cameron. You and your buckets of money do floweth straight to the weepy noodle bowl of barfiness.

Except I was curious. Maybe, you are like me. Typical dog agility lady. Very, very busy trying to stay dry in the rain at work and keep up with life and you don't have time to go see a super long blockbuster movie plus you hate the popcorn and wall treatments at the blockbuster movie theater. The ceiling. It makes your eyes BLEED to go to that movie theater.

Except every single person you know is all, Go See Avatar! Go See Avatar!

They say it with a fervor. Like even the dentist. With a fervor.

Which is weird because they are all in consensus. There is no dissent. Everyone loves this movie.

Assuming there are some of you out there like me that slipped through the cracks (Susan Garrett, you are a busy dog agility lady. Did you go see this movie?), here is my take on it that will not spoil anything and then maybe you will come and see it with me at the even fancier movie theater on the other side of the mountain with the Imax 3D because that's where I'm headed next.


Right? Because I am going to see a movie again, perhaps even drive over a damp and stormy mountain to do so, which, on paper, sounds like the worst movie ever.

Michelle Rodriguez is a bad ass terminator airship pilot in the future. Earth is wiped out and the military/corporate bad guys including that little asshole from Entourage need to strip mine the happy treeland of the blue giant cat people in space. Ripley is there and she yells a lot and we can't tell if she's had face work or not. When the marine wakes up from the space journey to the future he looks somewhat like an Australian Greg Derrett and talks in very short sentences.

There is no dog agility in the smurf animal world, instead hair plugs are used for much day-glo forest frolicking and super easiest animal training ever. Many animals try to eat people! Then it is going to go boy meets girl loses girl and so forth for a while and there will be napping in the gel cushioned pods until the super rad mega battle led by Australian Greg Derrett now disguised as the blue guy and noble savage themes abound and before you know it you have to pee and you were just in the movies for good god, almost 3 hours AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

This is from someone who routinely falls asleep in the movies and prefers rockumentaries or films shot In Marfa, Texas or directed by Harmony Korine or where Madonna sings her way through Argentinian dictatorship. In that order. There is no logical reason why anyone should enjoy this movie. All points, stacked against it. Yet, I still tell you, I think you will like this movie.

12 comments:

Mary said...

Even though you made me laugh out loud, I still have no desire to see this movie. Even though everyone, yes, now ever y one, says see it. You, Laura? Even you? This wouldn't be you channeling Otterpop in a plot to get me to share the pain of having sat/slept through 3 hours of cartoons?

team small dog said...

Mary we need to make James Cameron Trazillions of money. Bazillions weren't enough. Possibly Quadzillions if I go see it twice. You could drive over the hill with me to see it in James Cameron tm Imax 3Dtm. I never once thought I would fall asleep in this movie! Even though there are dinosaurs and fire shooting robots!

Mary said...

I'll go over the hill to see it with you if you bring Stacey and Clinton along so they can buy me clothes at the psychosis-inducing mall at which the movie theater will undoubtedly be. Never mind. I can't go because I wear glasses, so I can't wear glasses, if you know what I mean.

Nancy Gyes said...

Avatar,Avatar, Avatar!! I loved this movie. Laura Manchester-Derrett & Anne Kajava went with Jim and I to see it last night since we were all rained out from teaching classes and tired of sitting at our desks. Concensus from all 4 of us is, fabulous! I'd go again today, and *I* will go to the IMAX with you Laura, can't wait to wear the stupid 3D glasses again.

Nancy G

team small dog said...

OK, another item on the list of activities to happen in San Jose except this one can happen in the rain. Too bad we didn't go this morning because once again it won't stop raining and now off I go to work in the rain.

A trip over the hill to IMAX is in order asap! Is this true you cannot wear the glasses over glasses because I have perhaps promised Gary this is possible? And then Mary will not ever believe me that this movie is actually fabulous despite that seeming impossible? Also do the glasses have weird germs on them from touching other IMAX goer's scalps? Like bowling shoes?

team small dog said...

Here's an email from someone that HATED the movie. Who shall remain anonymous because they're my dad and wouldn't want anyone to know they actually went to see this movie.

>>>>>
It's good I didn't e-mail you earlier. I hated the movie, mostly for all the reasons you laid out in your blog. To wit: great graphics that kept me interested for about 10 of the 243 minutes; impossible physics for all the sci-fi touches; childish plot; inane dialog; and moralistic preaching. This keeps me consistent: I have disliked every James Cameron movie I have had the misfortune to attend. I keep getting forced to see them because EVERYONE says they are good, even though I know better. And you did a good job of relating it to another movie I disliked, "Dances with Wolves". Summary: this would have been better placed as a video game.
The Unrepentant Critic<<<<<

maryclover said...

Crap, now I have to go see it.

Elf said...

As an experienced movie goer with glasses, I can assure you that wearing 3D glasses over one's regular glasses works just hunky dory, so, Mary, that is no excuse. I did not see it in 3D, either, and I wasn't planning to ever see it again, but if some agility people are going to go see it hereabouts in IMAX 3D I would be interested in going along for the joy ride.

I thought it was an OK movie. Not great. Not something that I would tell everyone to go see. Something I'm glad I didn't originally spend full price 3D money for. I think it would be really crappy on a small-screen (TV-sized) presentation, because then you couldn't really appreciate the full immersion sorta-animation, so in the theater is where to see it if you're going to. I was greatly displeased with the characters and the plot. None-the-less, except for one five-minute spot about 1 hour and 48 minutes into the movie where I realized that I still had another hour to go and almost quit right there, it grabbed me again and for pretty much all the rest of the 3 hours I was dragged unwillingly into being riveted to my seat. I hat it when crappy movies do that, but I don't regret having seen it.

And I *love* movie popcorn. The theater has to do really foul things to it before I can't handle it.

So keep me posted, too, and Mary, I'll see you with the rest of hte crowd at the 3D IMAX Avatar agility showing.

Elf said...

Oh, yeah, and they reseal the glasses between patrons in sterile plastic bags, so presumably either (a) they're sterilized between times or (b) they're thrown away and new ones are created for everyone who wants to use them. They collect them in "recycling bins" at the end of the movie, so in theory they're not throwing them away.

Aren't you glad you have a movie-going expert like me to guide you?

Mary said...

Your dad definitely proves the maxim that all the great guy more or less my age are married or gay. I hated Titantic. Is this the same guy who did Titantic? On that basis alone I will not see another movie of his. Even though, yes, Ellen, seeing any movie with agility types would be fun.

laurapryse said...

Hey Mary,

I hated Titanic too and would rather have a hot poker stuck in my eye than see Avatar.

Laura #2

team small dog said...

This is what I'm saying here. I am a classic Avatar hater. Probably no one should hate Avatar more than me. Except for maybe my dad. Yet, inexplicably, I am willing to go see it again of my own free will.

Creepy. Very creepy.