13 January 2010

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people who may like to wear non matching plaids together but shouldn't do this without professional help.

The Greg Derrett Handling System for people etcetera and so forth...

Part 2-The Big Love of Commitment

So, I am a happily married lady. Have you met my husband Gary? He brings home takeout food for us because I have cooking allergy and mows the weed patch out front and always buys coffee and toilet paper. He prefers to NOT be on the internet, due to, I dunno. Is it haunted? Let's check. I do this all the time.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"

He's not answering.

"Hey, Gar! Do you care if you are on the internet?"


I'll just rephrase that question. "Do you care if you are on the internet?"

"Are you bored? WHAT is wrong with you? In what context?"

"Um, like if I'm talking about the Greg Derrett handling system and I'm talking about commitment which is when the dog actually takes off at the jump but I'm saying it's because you're so nice?"

The look is quizzical and perhaps, a scooch impatient.

"Like, for a dog agility thing!"

He just gives me modified stink eye look and off he goes.

Being unteachable, I always find this the best moment to say, "Hey, do you wanna get a new truck and a cool retrofitted vintage fiberglass dog agility egg trailer with a shower?"

He's gone.

Anyways. I can have a super nice husband. But still have a movie star boyfriend. Let's say his name is Keanu. A career spanning Bill and Ted's Adventure through Matrix sequels and all kinds of poofy, lite romance pieces of crap. And he's mine. All mine. Remember when he saved Los Angeles by driving the unibomber bus around on the freeway for 2 hours? Thanks Keanu!

And, most people have a rock star boyfriend. You all know my boyfriend, John Doe. He is totally ok with Keanu. That's how we do things on the compound. And then, of course, I have a dog agility boyfriend. I call him Bob. But you might want to call him Robert. As in Downey Junior. Maybe you hated him during the Ally McBeal years because of his junkie ways and bloaty face and frequent bad press. But I think if you met him now, you would like him better. And his slow mo dog agility brain cam!

Maybe I used to have another dog agility boyfriend, except for the potential confusing Tiger Woods scenario involving all these Laura's running around in California doing dog agility and if some are married to Greg Derrett and some claiming that he's their dog agility boyfriend, then, um, really uncomfortable situations ensuing at the tiki bar. Like just picture tiny little parasol eye poking. Not pretty. All the Laura's, we are all pals. No eye poking.

So I can tell you this, doubters, don't think I can't see heads shaking through the interweb. If Bob was doing dog agility, he'd totally follow Greg Derrett handling system. And I can tell you this. I am not now, or never have included Tiger Woods as my golfing boyfriend. Just to clear the air.

Sheesh. As IF I'd have a golfing boyfriend.

So you are sort of following the whole commitment thing now?

Good. Because actually, Greg Derrett, Husband of Laura Manchester, who we could call here Laura 1 or actually call her Dr. Laura because Manchester Derrett spells out MD and wouldn't that be convenient, has another way to explain commitment.

When the dog is lifting off to a jump. Takeoff, as we call it in the horse world.

John Doe is all, Huh? Why is this important to me?

Because your goal, in general, in GDHS, is to get ahead of your dog to help your dog find the fastest line. Unless of course, you need to be behind them and rear crossing but that's for another day. And sometimes, running around out there, actually, most of the time, you have to switch sides to show your dog the fastest line. We like to call this an arm change, once the sides are switched.

Arm change, kittens, why we need to front cross. Or rear cross, as the case may be. But you cannot be too sneaky and try to switch before commitment.

Where can a cross be executed? Anywhere the dog has a change of direction, ie, a turn. Can we all repeat please? Not on a straight line. Say that 10 times while brushing your teeth every evening. And it always happens as close as you can possibly get to the next piece of equipment. Beginning when the dog has committed. Not after. And really not before.

Why? Because showing your highly toned abs to your dog early can pull your dog off obstacles, and just mess the hell up out of your consistency. Perhaps even eventually invited the dreaded....flick. Did I mention consistency yesterday? Whole reason for these rules? Oh, just wait til we get to flicking. Just you wait.

To be continued.


Unknown said...

Well put!

Elf said...

I think most people get the idea of putting the front cross where the dog is turning. What I find is that most people have no idea how to tell whether their dog is actually going to be going in a straight line or turning.