15 January 2010

The day that the despairs didn't let me quite finish up with the Greg Derrett Handling System yet I believe I can muster straight lines.

Part 2.5 but really, that is pretty optimistic. Actually, let's say Part 2.25.

Do you know how to do texting on your phone? I do.

I didn't always know. I would hand it off to the nearest teenager for a while, and dictate to their frantic flying metallic nail polished fingers. But I practiced, and I got better. There are just some things you have to remember. They took a while.

Like that the "1" key also has the exclamation point and period and question mark and punctuation was born to my rambling style, unpunctuated texts.

That when someone sends you a text, a little envelope shows up on the phone and it makes a ding dong doorbell sound. And that means, you are supposed to read their text, not admire the tiny little envelope sitting there for a couple days.

Seems simple and dorky now but it took me a really long time to figure out those 2 stupid concepts and now I am pretty darn texty. Like when you text me, hypothetically speaking, IS IT GOING TO RAIN LATER TODAY? I can now text back a snarky manifesto about how if I could predict that I would have sold my magic powers to Weather TV and I'd be a millionaire by now and we'd never have to worry about the rain due to my giant covered arena and actually I wouldn't have to work anymore so you wouldn't even be asking me this question and does that answer your question?

Also, BTW, any time you are having black cloud of despair, you can text HAITI to 90999. Simple. Easy. And there goes $10, less than the cost of one Masters Gamblers class, to the Red Cross in Haiti. The more despair clouds, the more times you can send your $10 text.

I would also say, do not try to train your dogs to be search and rescue dogs in 5 minutes. A bad idea. And Otterpop will eat the whole ziploc bag of treats. Just send your money to Haiti. Not Otterpop. A bad idea in a moment of despair. Because really, not a damn thing a lady here with a pack of dogs can do to help out. Except send a money text.

So I would say, if you are smart enough to figure out texting, even if it took you a really long time, you are smart enough to figure out the age old question so important to the rules of GDHS.

Where is the Turn and Where is the Straight Line?

Important because, if your dog is heading down a straight line, you do NOT get to change arms. It is too late. Keep calm and carry on until the next turn, where you will have an opportunity to change arms. Using either our pal Front Cross or Rear Cross. If you can run really fast, with your dog chasing your reinforcement zone, and you have lovely sendy skills, you can get ahead and run to Front Cross position. If you can't, hang back and cross their path, slapping their ass on the way over. Rear Cross.

You can't meet our friend threadle til I feel less despairy.

Here is the most excellent remembering secret. A turn has 3 points. One-Two-Three. A straight line has 2 points. One-Two. It can have 5 jumps, but if you are holding a tape measure where it starts, a tape measure can't turn. It just stops at the end of the straight line.

You know when you have the tape measure out nice and long and you snap it back? Straight line. You look down some dog agility obstacles as if you are dogcam and you'll see it. Jumps don't have to be arranged all parallel to eachother, either. The straight line is just what the dog sees.

Your turn? One-Two-Three. Points. Sharp and pointy and jagged points of doom and despair and the polar bear is floating around on it's little ice cube which is almost melting and he will sink to his death in the freezing yet now warming polar sea of too much water even though in Haiti, no clean water and the horrors. Really, really f*cked.

Augh. So sorry. It's just that once the black cloud is up there this starts to happen. You get doom and despair earthquake death mania and dead polar bears instead of sister wives. Will go send more text.

To be continued.

1 comment:

arooarooo said...

*HUGS* Texing HAITI now...