04 June 2009

Soothing sounds for the seether.

Last night, I went to yoga class.

I like to say that because it sort of sounds like this is something I do all the time, when in actuality, it happens about twice a year now.

Let me say it again. It sounds so nice and calm and healthy. Last night I went to yoga class.

So when I leave the dogs at night, I want them to be all calm and chill so there is no HOWLING. And so that when we get home, there are nice calm dogs and not a frantic insane rush to the door led by Otterpop who can switch from excited to completely out of her gourd manic at the drop of the hat and go to the dark place and we like to keep Otterpop in a world of sunny bright unicorns and rainbows at all times. Just because. I'm mean and evil.

So I got this new thing. As part of my economic stimulus plan, basically I spend no money at all on items any more. Maybe a t-shirt on etsy. Maybe snacks. But that's it. No items. Except I had heard of this item, I had thought about it, I had tried to re-create it, and I could not get the thought of this item out of my head. Because it sounded so weird, so bizarre, like right up there with taxidermied squirrels in a diorama of tandem bike riding in Swedish clogs, that I finally had to shell out the money to buy it.

And not buy just one. No. I had to buy two. Hard earned, economic stiumulus money gone straight to two of these things.

I know. You're like, WHAT! WHAT! You already skipped ahead because you never read all the words here, just some. I know. You're a cheater and I know it, just so you know. Did she get the squirrel diorama and they have little ear holes cut out of their tiny hats??

I wish. If only life was so sweet.

No. I got two cd's of Dog Soothing Music. Music to Calm Your Canine Companion. Clinically Demonstrated Through a Dog's Ear.

What this is, is music to make humans run screaming from your house and retch uncontrollably in the street out front. It is super boring, slow played piano songs of classical music by actual classical music composers. You've heard of these guys. Totally dead now, can't hear how their music's being used. Vivaldi. Chopin. Beethoven. Maybe you can even play some of their tunes by heart on piano. But your versions don't sound half as terrible as the ones on the cd. Oh my god.

Don't try to put it on in the car. I did and Gary flat out refused to get in. Flat out. I tried driving with it on and after I got over the feeling of wanting to claw at imaginary bugs flying around my ears, it almost put me to sleep. Literally. On the freeway. Hola, Officer!

But here's the thing. I put it on, and the other dogs just sort of seem normal. But Seether, she gets up on the couch arm and sort of curls up there, looking all, uh, soothed. I'm like, weird, but it's like it's speaking to her, THROUGH HER EAR. Like the cd says. Good god. Truth in marketing.

So we go to yoga, and when we come back, I'm expecting all dog bliss and everyone laying around on the floor like we've just walked into a crack den and the junkies are sprawled out on filthy mattresses on the floor, half dead and od'ed. I have low expectations.

Instead, it turns out that I left a baggie of string cheese in my purse and there was a rampage on it and there is crap from my purse all strewn around and someone ate the lid off my tupperware I bring sandwiches for lunch in. And Gustavo ate a cute card made for me by an 8 year old that illustrated a horse on it and why are my sunglasses on the laundry room floor?

Ha. Music to go on rampage by, I guess. But I'm hoping they were so busy doing that there was no time for a howling festival. I'll never really know, I can only dream. We'll try it out again though. I own it now. If this blog had a soundtrack, I would unfade the really slow piano music right now, and it would swell up loud and plinkety plink plink of slloooowwwwnnneessssss and there you go, careful not to barf on your shoes as you exit the building.


Double S said...

OK so now we KNOW you've got some crazy-jane priorities ;-) Having a hard time wrapping mind around classical music for dog calmness... but then, that's exactly why I read this blog. You always have something astonishing to serve up, Captain.

Um, forgive me for my ignorance, but how about just putting them in sound-proof crates???? (So that the ASPCA doesn't lock you up for cruelty, throw in some stuffed Kongs or a few lengths of steer "pizzle", of course). Then you and your neighbors can't hear the howling and they can't empty your purse and chew the top off of your lunch-related tupperware and f-up your sunglasses? And everyone lives happily ever because no one has to listen to messed up classical music!

Elf said...

One has to have one's priorities in spending. Like, when the Dorkheads broke into my car and stole my camera bag, they also stole Mr. Alien. I have to replace Mr. Alien. I claimed him on my insurance claim. I got him from Archie McPhee originally, but they don't seem to carry them any more. They do have a bendy pirate but it's a stupid bendy pirate but not stupid enough to be worth paying $5. So I know my priorities. As you know yours. P.S. My sister took two bendy aliens to England with her and brought them back in little Dickens style velvet xmas outfits. No holes cut in the hats for their ears, however.

Elf said...

Ha! Found him somewhere else! In case you need a 6" tall bendy alien to have misadventures like mine does!




Isn't it clever how I hijack YOUR blog comments to indulge my own obsessions?

team small dog said...

Probably the weird dog music made you think about bendy aliens.

Can I just tell you, the dog cd's are TOTALLY the weirdest thing I have ever, ever bought?

I just hate locking them up in crates when I go out. And sound proof crates???