20 April 2009

Hypothetically speaking inverse advice column.

So let's say, hypothetically, that you are forming a knitting team for a sweater knitting tournament.

Maybe you are even forming a couple teams. Because one of the sweaters is sort of a harder pattern and you want a really good team so you don't end up with like, an extra arm on it. Sweater for a freaky octomom. And it's going to have snowflakes on it. And if you have a crappy knitting team, the snowflakes be all askew and then no one wins. So you got the good snowflake people on that one. And the other team, is just like a sweater tank top and there's no arms to even worry about and you don't really care how it turns out. Just want to go out there and have some fun, uh, knitting a tank top. Like not even a tank top. A tube top! So easy! So fun! Even a cat could do it! An 18 year old diabetic cat that hides under the bed and listens to the radio all day.

So for the tube top team, you have to post a classified ad in the Knitting Knews that sounds something like this:

I love to walk on the beach and I swear I am not an alcoholic. I just like knitting sweaters for fun and I need some tube top knitting pals for the big sweater knitting tournament! Sometimes my tube tops are lumpy, but what the hell!


And no one answers it. Except for a couple friends who are just all, yay, cute sweaters, saw yer ad! You don't feel very hopeful. Maybe you shouldn't have said that thing about the beach? Or the lumpy? Or cursed in it?

But wait, then someone does!

But what if it's someone who, before you went out and picked up your newest pair of knitting shears. Needles. Shears? Let's just say shears. Because you make your own yarn from your sheep and all that. So before you picked up your new shears, you saw this lady at a wool carding class and this lady went all in your face and pointy finger at you about your new shears having contaminated blood. I mean blades. Because you got them from just across the border, in, uh, Canada. And she thought there were plenty of perfectly good blades here that wouldn't contaminate the whole knitting community with disease. Because she knows knitting disease, missy. It's her business. And she had pointed her finger in your face and shouted this at you, PEOPLE LIKE YOU, first time anyone had ever pointed a finger in your face and shouted crazy stuff til you backed away and shuffled off, baffled. Hell. You were just getting some new shears and what a unleashing of wrathlike nutso this lady you don't even know has for you.

And this lady, who freaks you out, is actually a very well respected knitter. Been knitting much longer than you.

And I guess she has forgotten this incident. Or is just crazy. Or doesn't care anymore. But for whatever reason, answered your classified and wants to knit tank tops with YOU. And your contaminated, foreign born shears.

And really, no one else does. They heard your tank tops are sloppy and your stitches sometimes just slip off and go all loopy for a minute before they go back in their stitching row. Even though they end up cute! Super cute!

So, do you go with your first idea which is, to say something super mature to the knitting lady like, "I wouldn't knit a sweater for a rat's ass with you, crazy knitting lady that pointed your finger in my face and shouted all INSANE at me, almost 2 years ago and forgot all about it, but I never forget the ranting of the crazypants, especially when there is a finger pointing in my face! And by the way, I did not import any diseases from, uh, Canada and who the hell cares where you get your shears! Knitting Lady!"

Or, do you just crack open a beer and say, "What the hell. It's just a goddamn tube top. Maybe knitting with a volatile weirdo would be sort of entertaining, actually. Besides, no one else will knit with me."

So what would you do?

15 comments:

Dawn said...

Well, heck, I guess I would knit witht he crazy lady and let her see that shears from Canada can really run, I mean cut it. Besides, its one time and maybe the crazy lady was just crazy that day because someone elses shears got her shears sick or something?

Well you know what I mean....

Mary Schultz said...

hmmm...send her the link to this post and ask her what she thinks...if she still says yes...probably means sense of humor and fun team shearing almost assured...(but BRING a LARGE pair of shears just in case the yes means something else...

Cedarfield said...

I'd point-blank ask her if she still feels the same way about my shears and if so then she can just jump off here. I'd no way, no how be part of a team that denigrated my shears unless they darn well apologized fot it.
Then I'd go ahead and register for a draw team because often those are the best anyway.

vici whisner said...

Knitting teams should be fun. Your knitting team is a kiss my ass don't ask questions kinda team...Your team is knitting camo tub tops while everyone else is knitting flowers. Now, I'm not saying that it wouldn't be fun to knit with nutty knitters (flowers and camo can mix), but it takes the fun out of it if the nutty knitters are also in your face trying to tell you how you shouldn't be bringing in new types of yarns and tools to the "big show."

Anonymous said...

hmmm... i've always thought the people on Teams are as important as the dogs. as in how can you have fun running with an asshole. this takes into account that dogs are not assholes. so are you the shears or the yarn? i know you're not the dog. or is this REALLY about knitting?
valpig

Heather said...

I wouldn't touch that knitter with a ten foot knitting needle. Unless maybe it was coated in poison.

But then, I've never been into knitting teams - I like to knit alone.

Elayne said...

Speaking from experience, crazy knitting partners that you don't know very well can be stressful to deal with on the day, especially if they have a tendency towards inappropriate yelling fits and finger pointing. However I'm not sure how you get out of this gracefully and really it's only a stupid tube top and if you have the sort of temperament where you can just roll your eyes and say 'oh well, there goes Crazy off on a tear again' and have a good laugh at how nutso some people are then it's not so bad. Actually I think I'd feel less bad about screwing up my part of the tube top if I didn't care all that much about my knitting partner in the first place. Not that you are going to screw up your part of the tube top. And just think of the good stories you will have to tell on Monday.

Rusty said...

But of course, you must knit with her; think of the great blog entry it will make.

Really though, why not just let it slip out beforehand that you'll be using your Canadian shears and see what happens. If she's still game, a small accident in which the disease ridden shears pierce her ugly self is in order.

Boomer said...

I'm not a knitter but my wife is, and there are a lot of knitters around the place and I've seen the variety.

My thought: crazy does not improve with time, nor does it like not-crazy.

My wife coordinates a knitting group in which people are asked _not_ to lecture others on the One Right Way to do things. You'd be amazed how that selects out the crazies (many of whom are great knitters). They can't stand not being able to browbeat people. So they don't stay around long.

It's in Santa Cruz. You want to stop on by, I'll give you the contact info.

Elf said...

Well, if the lady is known to be very opinionated and outspoken about things but does it so often that she doesn't even think about it or notice that it might be bothering other people or therefore even remember that she did it, so that means that it didn't mean nearly as much to her as it did to you which means that you can pretty much discard it, but she's otherwise a nice person, and likes doing ag--er, knitting, and she and her--uh--knitting needles do well in competition, and you might've been willing to knit a tube top with her before she shook her finger at you, then I'd say go for it, because I and my knitting needles are standing by all these requests for knitting team members and pouting a bit because we think that one of my knitting needles is probably going to be doing--hrm--knitting for old...knitting needles, and the other one --drops so many stitches, let's say, that I'm not sure I want to put her into a knitting team again at the moment...
Uh...I'm running out of things to say about your French-Canadian shears and their compatriots, at least that I can cram into the same sentence. Did I actually say anything?

Kathleen said...

I think knitting teams should be about having fun. I would not have fun with someone who went all loud in my face and berated my cuter than cute shears.

I had a similar experience with a well known knitter yelling at me about my shears at a knitting tournament last year. Her knitting team got second place to my first place knitting team at, um, Doxin a few weeks ago. Sweet....

But I digress...My advise: Don't knit with this woman. She's a whack-a-doodle...

team small dog said...

Wow, so much hypothetical advice from all kinds of knitters.

In the interest of happy tube tops, hypothetically, it looks like some other happy tube top knitters would love to have someone on their team with shears like mine. They don't care where anyone gets their shears.

Just want their tube top to stay up, because you know you can't wear a sports bra under those things.

Anonymous said...

Okay, once again I am late to the stitch and bitch, but no one has stated my opinion so I thought I'd jump in. I too tend to knit alone, but in this instance I might be tempted to invite the pointy fingered knitter to join my team. Let's face it if I'm knitting lumpy tube tops for fun, I'm not too concerned about how they turn out. But...I bet Miss Rather Impressive Pointy Finger does even if she says she is a lumpy tube top lover. So, invite her to your knitting club and then make sure she drops some stitches and ends up with some awful ladders in her tube top. Petty, I know, but for the moment it might make you feel better. And isn't that what knitting is all about. Just having fun with your imported shears.

BTW I have two Canadian shears as well as an AmeriCAN.

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