14 August 2008

The dog phobiaizer.

I think I finally figured it out. I had a birthday a few weeks back. I got older. And wiser. And I think I have figured out that I am a dog phobia giver, so sort of like a parallel universe to the dog whisperer. The dog phobiaizer. Dog whisperer, he whispers or something, things to make the dogs perfect and act with manners and grace. The dog phobiaizer, let's just say something along the lines of opposite of whispering. Last night at Dirt Nite, it all became clear.

I have Gustavo who has developed an aversion to the icky polymer coating that makes our own dirt at Dirt Night so charming. Who's dislike of coming out into that covered arena is getting weird and he twitches and itches and scratches and looks like a little phobia nutcase out there with some kind of condition. Sort of like tourettes for tiny little dogs.

I have Otterpop, who has developed a freakish aversion to Hans, one of the nicest agility husbands in the history of the universe who sits on the deck near where she stays parked. My non agility friends, we have parking places for our dogs, just like you do at your office. We park them and tie them up on ropes to a pole and Otterpop's phobia now causes her to bark her head off at Hans if he moves a muscle.

Ruby, I gave her phobias long ago and she is just one big walking bundle of phobia no matter what. They wrote the book on phobia on her. OCD, hypersensitive, you name it, she is totally phobia-ized. It is a wonder she can function at all. Sometimes being out in the cool night air and fog at Dirt Nite bring them all to a head and she runs around and has to pat the same place on the ground, sniff it, circle back and do that 2 or 3 times once she's started. Totally weird and obsessive and becoming clearer is a genuine phobia.

Even Hobbes. Rockstar among border collies. Who are known for phobias, indeed. Likely a perfect breed of dog for me. He is getting a new one for Dirt Night caused by my weird phobia handling and started some weird and spacey things last night. And then other dogs I didn't even handle, I start seeing them do weird things out there. When I am standing out on a course to set some jumps or fluffy the chute. And I realize it. Uh oh. I am giving out phobias even when I'm not running the dogs.

So here I am with this pack of phobia dogs, and have had the realization now that there is some kind of perhaps astrological tie in to the correlation between dog phobia and voodoo and dog handling and is possibly more than a voodoo curse but actually where the stars are all lined up. And I have this feeling that when I changed ages a few weeks ago due to my birthday, I kicked in this retrograde or gatorade of something due to planets and now I give dogs phobias. And Dirt Nite is also on Wednesday Night, which is also Project Runway Night, when Heidi Klum haunts my tv. And I have long ago wondered about the connection between Heidi Klum and Ruby's weird obsessions and maybe has something to do with the astrology? Does that work, even with the magic I hear of On Demand tv so she can appear at ANY TIME on your own television?

I dunno. A theory. A lot of question marks floating around here. Certainly couldn't be handled by flawed dog training, right? Some of you astrology in the know people, you check for me. Do I need to just go bury my head in the sand for a few weeks or what? And aren't the big dog shows coming up JUST AROUND THE CORNER? Oh boy.


Anonymous said...

I don't think Gustavo has a problem. After reading your last treatise about the Dirt Nite dirt, I twitch everytime I go down a dirt road.

Paul A

Anonymous said...

Full moon coming. I don't think you can take personal credit for all the weirdness.

Anonymous said...

Laura, you now have me really worried about the ON DEMAND Heidi Klum thing. Thanks a lot.