05 July 2008

Hypothetical conversation that you could have when your dog dies.

Husband is puttering around the kitchen shuffling stacks of paper about perhaps. Putter, putter, putter. Wife enters house.

Wife opens up refrigerator for a nice cold beer refreshing glass of anti-oxidant health juice.

Wife: Boo hoo hoo hoo blubberyglubbery sobsob a weepy sobsob huhhuh huhhuhhuhhuh.

Husband: What? What? What happened??

Wife: The dogfood glubblubsnifflewhiffle I see his Dooooggfooooodd snifflegliffleglubhuhuhuhuhuhuhhh.

Husband: Whaat??

Wife: The dooogfooood blubberysobsobsobsob I can see his Dooooggfooooodd huhuhuhuhuhuhhhsniffsniffsniff waaaaaaaaaah.

Husband: Huh? What the hell??

Wife grabs a can of dog food out. The special expensive senior kind that her voodoo belief thought perhaps would keep dog alive longer and give strong teeth and bones, etc. and also that dog would actually eat.

Holds up. Tears streaming, running, eyes a-red, sniffling, glubbering, making noises very unpleasant to hear and also make.

Then everyone is crying for a moment. The dog food even makes the husband cry! Or perhaps is just rubbing off of from wife. Weeping all around. Then everyone looks at the dog food can. Goddamnit. This is a dog food can and dog food should not make one cry and weep and so forth.

Wife: Oh my GOD! Dog Food. Dog food! Weeping caused by dog food! (Note to actors playing this part, assuming role of wife played by Courtney Love here, have to make sure to use correct inflection which mixes sort of SoCal surfer accent with ranch lady voice ala Luz Benedict from the movie Giant. Not really sure how to explain that accent in writing. I think you have to actually hear. Is an accent inflected with random and useless "likes" and "totallys" and I think you go, like, UP, at the end of the word when you say it? But also sound a teensy bit mean like you can kick some serious bad horse ass.)

Then everyone starts sort of giggling for a moment. Goddamn it. Nothing is funny about dog food and nothing is funny about the best dog in the whole world dying. On cue, add howling starting sort of quiet then all of a sudden, the sound of 3 tiny and loud jackals or perhaps coyotes swells up like in a sort of orchestral way if orchestral can involve tiny, piercing banshee sounds which are pretty funny for a while until Wife goes over and starts yelling at all the bad dogs to shut up and can't you guys be more like. Oh shit. Like Timmy.

Husband: I'll throw it away.

Wife: Like hell.

1 comment:

some random female said...

Dang. Now you have made me laugh and cry and mostly cry. I believe there is still some of MY "best dog's" dog food tucked away in the back of the fridge. And I don't want to say how long it has been there. And I'm pretty sure that I will not be the one to remove it.

I couldn't comment where everybody else did--too sad to read other comments--but I am very sorry about Timmy. He was clearly a great dog.