Somewhere in here, is a moral about being a degenerate handler at the USDAA trial.

Well. Today I learned that some of you are using the techniques and methods of dog training brought to you by Team Small Dog instead of methods by agility luminaries such as Susan Garrett because I told you she is a witch. And perhaps some of your agility instructors are dismayed. That's right my friends. They have tattled on you. And come to me, pleading, "Laura! They say 'But on Team Small Dog Laura says just run really really fast to the teeter and that's ok!'" Or, "On Team Small Dog not all her dogs have 2 on/2 off contacts! And she says that's OK!" And they may compare their agility trainer's car to the Team Small Dog messy car because we all have too many dogs and xpens.

Well. Let's use today's USDAA trial as a little story for you. The kind of story with a little moral at the end where you go, "Ooooh. I see the Danger in My Ways and Perhaps Susan Garrett, albeit a witch posessing voodoo powers, may have a point in some of her methods, whereas the methods of Team Small Dog may be more akin to the MTV show about the skateboarding dude with his giant body guard that live in LA with a pony in their house and do stuff like teach their dog to skateboard down hills on busy streets." Which they do preface with a little note in fine print that says, Don't Try This at Home.

For instance. Did you notice the focus of much of my little posts all week had to do with Ruby being lame? Ruby kicked by a deer and dragging herself half dead, out of bushes. Ruby lays in her crate all day. Ruby came up lame halfway through last weekend's USDAA trial. Ruby has done nothing but sit around and rest all week. From these statements, it might be reasonable to draw the conclusion, perhaps not run Ruby this weekend at the trial. Perhaps based on the facts, Ruby would be a lot better of with a little vacation of her own that has no deer or agility equipment.

And that was sort of my plan. Until I woke up the other night thinking, I should go to the USDAA Nationals this year! I should pay buckets of money, lose buckets of money at work, take a week off and drive down there and let Team Small Dog represent. Because 5 faulters should get a chance to get whistled off the course just like everyone else. For my non agility friends, USDAA Nationals is a hulking heap of a fancy dog agility show in Arizona at Halloween time that all the cool people go to and it is time consuming and expensive and hot and you do like 2 runs and maybe get whistled off. And everyone is like, "You are so LAME! You NEVER go! You SHOULD GO!"

And I am like, muttering..."Oh too expensive and hard to get off work and what a pain and my dogs are inconsistent and Otterpop would freak out and blah blah blah." But instead of doing something useful like sleeping, I am thinking, Oh What the Hell. Maybe we should try to go this year. My dogs should be qualified, they always get Grand Prix Q's, and Ruby at least has the Steeplechase Q's, Pop has her Team. Non agility friends, you need some special scores to be qualifed to go. Without losing you, my non agility friends, let's say it is like you are going to a party and the only way they let you in to the party is you are required to bring 2 bottles of tequila, 2 bottles of vodka, and one box of donuts. None of which you can just buy at Safeway, but must earn them through the voodoo powers of a magic genie.

So, I looked up our scores. Ruby is fine on her vodka aka Steeplechase, Otterpop has her donuts aka Team and both dogs have a bunch of Tequilas, aka Grand Prix Q's. Because you can hit a bar and get tequila. Earning tequila is easier than earning vodka. You need to rub the genie tummy on a Saturday to get vodka. Donuts are a whole other story. But no wins in Tequila. And it is better to win one, not just earn through voodoo, because it is like getting a free no hangover card at the dog show. So I am thinking, if she is a good dog like she was last week, maybe we could win today. This is planning of insanity since it has been a sleep deprived kind of week. Because see all of the above signs that are screaming, DON'T RUN THIS DOG.

So, of course I run her. Duh. And it looked like a run of the drunken, bloated kind of sugar infested alcoholic who would mix tequila, vodka and donuts. I did her pairs class first, just to see how she was. We had a kindly grandma with a poodle for a partner. Who is competitive as hell and doesn't like to lose. And she goes around clean, and Ruby follows with her bit which, halfway through includes a teeter fly off (never, ever, ever has happened with Ruby) runs around some jumps, runs out of the ring. Um. I am like, oh so sorry, don't know what happened, apparently dog gone insane. Sorry, kindly grandma.

And should have figured there, perhaps dog is insanely sore, even though not limping and may cause erratic behavior? But in my greedy mind, I am thinking, let's just try one more time for that Grand Prix win. Can you see where this is going? My poor dog does 3 obstacles and just goes insane on the Grand Prix course. Runs around the a-frame, runs around a tire, runs around me, just running frantically around everything out there but not going over or through anything and did I mention at some point I am just standing there still, muttering to myself, "My dog has gone Insane?" And when I finally called her in to me, had her jump up in my arms, to excuse ourselves out of the ring, the screech of pain she makes sort of says it all.

I cheerfully yell at my friends, "Don't mind me, dog just gone insane!" as I try to collect my leash and shaking dog and many people offer advice as to numerous causes of insanity. That course so twisty! Perhaps I was unclear with a signal? Um, perhaps I am just an asshole and tried to run my lame dog.

Moving on. Maybe I should have started on a more positive note and told you how Otterpop Q'ed in everything and was relaxed and had good times and was placing and just clocking around like a happy Otterpop and didn't even flinch when the judge giving her the table count was like seriously right there next to her. Although I had to scratch the afternoon stuff anyways to go out to work where we were holding an event that I had bailed on. (Oh Laura and her Dog Shows!) So didn't get to run Hobbes in Steeplechase finals. Did get to run him in Standard, which wasn't so smashing. A bar. Hello 5 faults and a pretty ugly table too. My friends that are agility students, listen to your teachers when they tell you to not call your dogs over the jumps.

Always listen carefully to them, blossoming students on your pathways to agility greatness. They want to help you be a clean runner and not a 5 faulter. There is a method to their madness. My friends who are agility students, maybe even at Nunes Agility Field in Turlock, let this sordid tale be a lesson to you. What have we learned? Do I need to spell it out to you? Just because you have trouble rubbing the genie tummy on Saturdays doesn't mean you need to be a greedy tequila hog. Tell that one to your favorite trainer this week. Just say it's the special agility code you learned on Team Small Dog.