17 May 2008

I am full of joy that I do not have a giant wart on my muzzle.

Oh Dear. I've bitten off a big chewy bite of dog training now, with my promise of taking you on a journey of Greg Derrett, Team Small Dog style. Like when you stuff all the sushi in your mouth in front on the sushi chef and he looks at you, and you know he's thinking, gross, disgusting, rice dribbling, soy sauce drooling lady. No free sake bombs for you. But have no fear. I have asked to borrow the Greg Derrett videos! Although, you remember last time I tried to watch dog training videos. Attention span of a flea. But I haven't seen the Greg Derrett ones in years and maybe now that I always sometimes wistfully actually remember to use my Handling System that I subscribe to I will have a longer attention span to better translate to both my agility friends and my non agility friends who I will reel in thinking that I have a subscription to a Dog Agility Boyfriend. And we will do it to sizzling disco grooves and we're going to have a grand time.

But for right now, can I tell you about Gustavo's wart? We pretty much just call him warty face now. Not that I don't have a Timmy with real and genuine medical problems that I should be thinking about, but disgusting facial warts are a nice way to think about something that isn't Timmy pacing and heavy breathing on the floor here next to me. This one I guess is histiosomethingnotcancerousprobably. I am very lucky that 2 of my beloved customers are small animal vets and since my dogs are part of the landscape at work, there is no avoiding vets for my dogs. They just think it's nice ladies at work letting them sit on their laps. So this kind of wart is the kind that most people start to freak out of the ugliness when it reaches the size of your thumbnail. Which is the precise size that they should start falling off all on their lonesome, sans surgery. According to the histiowhateveritis wart belief system. Vets learn this stuff in vet school just like we learn handling consistency in dog agility school. And all the vets I know were WAY better students of veterinary medicine than I am at dog agility school.

So one of my beloved vets is more of a surgeon type, performing important dog saving surgeries every day, and she said he could just come in on Monday and she'd hack that thing off and stitch him up. But the other beloved vet is of the Just Let the Damn Thing Go Away On It's Own school of wart belief. Which she says is hard because it's at this thumb size that people really start to do things like writing up little stories about their dog's wart and then not being able to stand the sight of it and getting it hacked off and stitched up. I'm tending to try and use patience and not looking at his face so much and just hoping the thing goes away. Dealing with nose stitches on a dog that never sits still? Who is getting ready to go on a journey of dog training that will turn him into a perfectly, well greased mini Hobbes? (Who is like totally the teacher's pet of Correct Handling System usage. But like a really cool teacher's pet, not one the other kids are going to gang up on and steal the pants of. )

There might just be this one little flaw in this whole plan. That I am somewhat unteachable. And teaching me tends to make things go horribly awry and end up with the furniture hooked up to earthquake machines and the paint all falling off the house. Oh boy. Good thing it will involve sizzling disco grooves.


Anonymous said...

Come On Captain!
you have forgotten the most important part of the handling system. trust your dog! Just think of it like you're sending out to a crazy gamble from a line that's like 3 rings over and a train is running by at the same time and the horn in the next ring sounds the same as the horn in your ring and 15 dogs have already run and no one's got the gamble and you forgot to walk it anyhow and it's high noon and 110 degrees ..but you say "Hey no problem!"

team small dog said...

Oh anonymous. Do you know my sad relationship to gambles? That makes my agility instructor sadly shake his head, then look quizzically at me and ask, "Do your dogs understand the meaning of Out?"

So that they can do gamblers, a class offered Almost Exclusively on Saturdays, the day I almost never go to the dog show. To do things far away, with dogs that handling system or not, mostly get to do their agility accomplished by my running really fast Right Next to them and turning them by my flinging of myself into front crosses anywhere I can. And, rubbing that salt right down onto the snail's back, Ruby by some freak of easy gambles on Sundays, had all her Masters Gamblers Q's towards her ADCh before I moved her down to performance. In which she currently has exactly 1 Performance Masters Gambler Q. Otterpop, knower of the meaning of Out, having none, I believe actually never having even having the opportunity to participate in a Masters Gamblers class.

And throw that paragraph of baggage into your whole train and heat and you heard the horn twice already scenario, how about add in a judge standing Right in Front of the jump you need to do to send you into the gamble, and then what was the point of all this?

I believe it is that you are a trusting, anonymous getter of gambles and you say, "Hey no problem!" and that I am a quivering, gambling fool.

Anonymous said...

Dear Team Small Dog,

Ariel had a histiosomethingnotcancerousprobably sort of wart-like thing on the inside of her mouth (she is a lady and does not wish to be unsightly and so it only got noticed because her toenail was ripped off when my cheap teeter collapsed and she had to go to the vet). And one vet said let's spend, oh, $500 (which is, of course $1,000 when the bill actually gets all tallied up -- really, vet friends, I do not begrudge you all the dollars you want, I just don't have them all to give you) to have it removed even though it is almost certainly not cancerous, and the other vet said, "Oh, it will fall off."

And guess what?!

It fell off!

(Fixing the toenail cost $200, though, and it probably would have grown back for $0, but it *might* have become infected and she would have had to be saved from sure death just like those two guys who got kicked off Survivor Micronesia.)

Anonymous said...

Speaking of crazy addiction to agility. (Isn't that what we are always speaking of, here?)
It was at least 120 degrees in Hollister today. at the PASA ASCA trial, well at least 95 and I'm not kidding. Ariel never, well almost never, drops bars, but it was so hot, well, I could really understand that when it comes to not making any kind of extra effort when it comes to a handler's, "Oops, will you please clear that obstacle even though I set you up wrong and now you have to jump it from a weird angle, too close?"

"No, thanks, handler, I'll just plow through this one. You are just going to have to get your s**t together a little better, if you want me to do this in the heat."

team small dog said...

Welcome to the special hell we call Five Faults.

Pacco de Mongrel said...

hey gus,

paw crossed here, hope that u big wart can go away soon n u doesn't need to opt for surgery