Whatever you do, don't let Oprah tip over.

I used to make sure to watch Oprah on my day off. For a long time, my friend Anthony would call me at the end of his Oprah, which was 3pm, before my Oprah began, which was 4pm. To discuss Oprah. And ways to get rich off the Internet that involved gay porn and a lot of cameras. He was in the Los Angeles time zone, I was in the Santa Cruz time zone. I'm not sure why our Oprahs were on at different times just because of being NorCal and SoCal, but they were. When you have dogs, and one day off, Oprah is sort of like floor washing time. And laundry. Right? Tell me it isn't.

I will admit. I probably watched Oprah with Irony. Most of the time. Except for when she did makeover shows. And would give away stuff to people. Then I wished I was an Oprah guest. I would nod in agreement with her real good. Except I think they screen what the audiences look like and I am pretty sure I wouldn't have made it through the screening. Maybe now that I am over FORTY, and maybe they hand out Oprah appropriate outfits at the door. Because the audience is always color coordinated, down to the lipstick. In a color that sets off Oprah's outfit just right. And like blouses and sweaters.


Then I had a dream I could become Oprah's dog nanny in Montecito on her giant ranch. That is one place I would like to move, even more than Marfa. Closer to LA. Except it's even more expensive than buying a ranch here, so my only hope would be to tend to Oprah's dogs and I guess run around with them on her expansive lawns a lot. I don't think she has horses. That was my best way I could think of to get rich and have my dream ranch. Just become Oprah's dog nanny and sort of sponge off of her on her ranch, just running around with her dogs. She'd let me bring my dogs. She's so Giving that way.


So Anthony, he passed away. He never got rich. I'm still here. I lost my taste for Oprah on Mondays. I still haven't bought a ranch. I guess there's still time. But I do get to run around with my dogs a lot. Sometimes on expansive lawns, sometimes on dirt, sometimes at the beach, sometimes down the sidewalk. And Oprah, you have your giant airplanes and houses and cashmere bathrobes and I don't even know what else. But I bet you hardly don't ever run around with your dogs. So I think I have that on you Oprah.