07 February 2008

Sorry you tivo-ers but it is on-time Project Runway.

Heidi comes out in a very sparkly and tight dress. She is glowing so hard but her face is scowling. I think she has on gold makeup. She is blinding me and she is blinding the designers and I've had to remove Ruby and put her in another room in case her blinding spell makes Ruby's weird illness even worse. But hot damn does she have really good posture.

Sweet P and Jillian are the only girls left. Rami, Chris, Christian and Cry Baby Ricky in the Hats are the boys. Tim is in a baggy suit and takes them on a fierce field trip. Good god. Christin's tote has grown again and Rami's sunglasses are growing. They are possibly not letting the designers eat and they are shrinking. Most of them. Tim is shrinking too, his suit is getting baggier every second. Where is all the food on Project Runway? Someone needs to call Top Chef for the Feeding the Designers Challenge. Maybe they are not eating in solidarity with their models who also cannot ever, ever eat.

Tiny Shrinking Tim takes them to a room of lady wrestlers kicking each other's asses wearing chaps and thigh highs and sparkle bikinis. The designers are super horrified by them. They are all sort of just standing their gaping. The lady wrestlers are just FLINGING each other around and their tiny little tops are not falling off. Like remember when they had to make ice skating dresses a long time ago and wear them out in public? Now they have to make wrestling sparkle bikinis and tights.

Product placement for Blockbuster.

Much happy giggling of designers. No one is screaming or crying yet. They all love each other and love ordering wrestling dvd's from Blockbuster Total Access online! Thanks Blockbuster! We love you!

The lady wrestlers all come back and try on their outfits. They want more sparkles! More cut out butts! More shiny-ness that doesn't look like you can buy it at Walmart. The designers are all so embarrassed. Except for Chris and Christian. They are happy to make wrestling wear for stripper like ladies. Maybe that's not fair. They just look like strippers. They could actually be upstanding members of the LDS and vote for Mitt Romney. Christian's outfit has chaps and leather and lace and I think that Sebastian Bach and Prince used to wear his outfit. It is Raining Purple on Skid Row. Chris made a little leopard hoodie that i am pretty sure I would wear! Another Project Runway dog agility jacket. Thanks designers for looking out for us! Some of these outfits might work for dog agility but not until I complete my fitness challenge which means by Madera when Hobbes will not hit a bar and Ruby will not be lame and crazy and I will be skinny again not so fat! Jeez Lousie, did the See's candy do some damage this time around. I have a video of running Hobbes in Steeplechase at Turlock and it is NOT FLATTERING. I am not even going to show it to you because it made me want to weep. Almost worse than seeing that bar drop was the hugeness lumbering around.

Then there is some more product placement of All the Treseme you Can Drink and Loreal Paris you are Worth it! The designers are shoving boobs and love handles into spandex and then the lady wrestlers get Treseme'ed and Loreal Parised. We are not sure what happened to Cry Baby's Gucci bathing suit. He made a shiney hospital smock? Strippers do not like smocks Ricky! Oh no. I think there will be crying for sure. He is wearing his mesh dress hat. Firing squad hat. There is also much foreshadowing of doom for Sweet P.

There is a commercial for Top Model but it is not Top Model, it is Super Model. This channel has Top designers, chefs, and models. How about Top Dog Agility Handler? There would be the 300 Weave Pole Challenge. Train this random unneutered pit bull from the Oakland SPCA to do a Nose Touch and have Success With One Jump Challenge. Heidi would come jumping out from behind the a-frame with a machete and your dog would still need to get their contacts! They could go and get a bath in the Treseme room and make sure Do Not let the dogs drink the Treseme! All the handlers have to sleep together in an RV with no heat. Wearing sparkly spandex wrestling outfits the whole time. All challenges judged with DAM Team rules that must be tabulated constantly by Nina who grumbles the whole time and secretly adds points for bad ass dogs she likes.

Heidi comes back for the fashion show in another glowing dress but this one is red. Red for the blood she will viper suck from someone's neck very soon. Michael Kors is the pope at a sex club. The other judges are Heatherette. One of them has an X tshirt. They TOTALLY GET sparkly wrestler outfits. They have some sparkly makeup on already. You will see these when you tivo this. You will see how the outfits turned out. I don't have to tell you. You already know whose suck and whose is good. Nina spanks Rami and tells him he was very, very bad for using pink on someone with such big boobs. Jillian's made everyone go to sleep and Sweet P did not use enough cut out butts and sparkles. Chris's looks expensive but he is a cheater because he already makes transvestite outfits so he had a very unfair advantage. They recognize Christian's outfit from that Prince video where he has sex with Sebastian Bach.

Heidi swoops up to the stage and bites Ricky on the neck but what is freakish is that he isn't crying. She injected some kind of tear blocker into his vein when she bit him. She had enough. He's gone, but his reputation has been irrepairably ground into dirt by his branding as the cry baby guy in the hats. Those damn editors. I feel a little bad for Ricky. But not that bad.


Anonymous said...

Aha! Tricked you! Watched it last night! Too! Heidi so doesn't have good posture, Laura. She stands like a horse that gets spooked and sort of splays out, and is smooshed down gripping the earth with all four hoofs for a second while it is deciding whether to be normal and stand up again and walk on like you told it to, or fling you off and make like a bat out of hell to get away from the evil little folded white piece of paper which dropped out of your pocket and fell on the ground which was the copy of the entry you forgot that you sent to CPE Elk Grove, thus incurring enormous vet bills of injuries. Anyway, the most unnerving thing about Heidi is that she holds that pose for the whole time she is talking and you are ready for havoc, but then she flutters her little fingers "bye" and saunters off. This is why I prefer dogs to horses. I think I do, anyway. In their favor, I have to say, though, that horses are so pretty. And they smell good. And when they are calm they make me calm. And they never bark, and never wait for you to come home and make you feel guilty because you didn't take them to Lighthouse Field which the evil people are going to ban dogs from running. Hmmm. I didn't get to the rest of PR commentary. You do a great job of moving on, Laura. I get stuck and lose my forward momentum. Life is like an agility course. Or at least I'm making life be that way. Is this a good thing?

team small dog said...

Isn't that good posture?

When horses want to make you feel guilty for coming late and not getting them out sometimes they freak out until they bash their walls in and you have to tranquilize them. Or something stupid like the horseshoer left the back window shut and they couldn't See Out. The dogs would usually just howl or eat some pillows.

I think I equally say more than once per day, "I have had it with YOu HOrses!" and "I have had it with YOu DOgs!"

Then I threaten to sell them all to circuses and they don't even care. Because all my dogs and horses equally know they would not be wanted by any circus and I am stuck with them.