12 January 2008

Project Runway, we might have to break up.


All right. I sort of don't get it anymore. Project Runway was THE BEST. THE BEST thing of all. Like a close second to dog agility, Project Runway was. Santino, I love you and your ruffles everywhere! Jay you are practically amish and you had the ear muffs and now you are a plasma donor! Jeffrey all big swirly neck tattoo which was a true miracle since you have no neck, but you could work the stripiness of fancy dresses. Then it was now.

This is the deal. It is on after Dog Agility Dirt Night. You have a long day at work, outside, in the cold and wind and mud and rain. Probably you forgot to give some horse a shot. You rush through that last lesson to get in the car in time. You get to run the dogs! Even Hobbes! Even though your dogs have been locked in a swamp jail all day long. Except Hobbes. You have your nice dog agility students who don't seem to care that you are just like 2 steps ahead of them in the training of their dogs. And even if they do they keep their traps shut about the fact and just soldier on. You drive home really, really fast on the freeway where there is construction and you are thinking, if I was drunk and driving really fast right here I would likely go slamming into the white cement wall now! But it is to get home by Project Runway. It's just how we do things.

And there was a glimmer of hope. All these New Jersey Catholic School Girls Coming in to get PROM DRESSES! Hello! You had me right there producers! I've never been to New Jersey or Catholic School but I've been to a damn prom and this is fantastic! And we have the old prom pictures of all the designers! The trauma and horror of the prom as reflected in advance by Project Runway. And then what do they do. Just make a mess.

So Rami first of all, you wouldn't catch me dead in that weird old green sloppy turban on a boob thing. All his dresses have this vibe but it is fully revealed now. Except his candy dress was actually ok-actually sort of would have been the best prom dress. And Victoria, the leading dog agility designer at the beginning due to the arm holders, who I have already blacklisted, just like did this weird bedazzled thing but Delia's would sell it so I guess it was prom. Everything else so HORRIBLE! Like horrible, awful dresses. I can barely stand it. I guess I would have worn Christian's because it's brown and brown is the new black just like dog agility and also it is a known fact I just have bad taste all by myself if I am not working with a volunteer stylist medic so what do I know. I wore white strapless vintage to my horrible, terrible awful prom with bright red hose and white plastic shoes (yeah socal in the 80's and kroq and all that) and a drug addict 23 year old prom date and sat at a table full of 17 year olds and their 23 year old drug addict dates and let's just say what a HOOT. Barrels of monkey laughs at that prom.

And these girls all are acting like they are ok with their dresses, except for Maddie who had Christian and they had a little personality conflict, a little disagreement of opinions, and Christian retaliated by making a horrible dress in which he hoped to get voted off except for a rousing little Tim Gunn speech about soldiering on, chin up buckaroo and all that. He almost got voted off but instead it was the ugly dress of Keith who had a prom picture of him covered in bright orange fake tan and am I remembering this right, no girlfriend date just him? He's the one always making a big deal about how not gay he is. With his ugly red halter dress? Well he's gone now. Just a bad memory. Sorry Keith. Like I could have been outside in the dark working on Gustavo's weave poles. Or clicking training him to do something cool and neato but here I was, watching this on a couch with all the dogs on the couch.

Yeah, and by the way, can you see that? Yeah, it's a rat. That's what Gustavo was playing with yesterday. Nice dead, damp rat from outside. In the house. Brought it in, in his mouth. You ever seen me around rats? I have this thing. I can deal with a lot of things but not rats. Not in my feedroom, my backyard, my attic. Dead or alive. Involves screaming and carrying on. Tried to get the dog to take it back outside, ala "Good boy, go get your toy! What a gooood boy!!! Please goddamnit get the foul horrible RAT TOY OFF THE FILTHY YET STILL ONCE EXPENSIVE RUG AND OUT OF THE HOUSE!" But the dead rat toy was over and he moved on to squirrel hut. Other dogs, just looked aghast.

So I had to get a plastic bag and try to scoop it into it without touching or feeling it's rat weight or tail which was impossible and run FAST to the garbage without TRIPPING on dogs and clogs and falling down the stairs and run to OPEN garbage lid while still in running motion thus missing and rat on ground and quickly grabbing some piece of ghetto yard trash from my dog agility training speck and in the trash and there you go. Happy Saturday.

1 comment:

chrissy said...

that is freakin' hilarious. A few years ago, when we lived on base in DC, one of my dogs caught a rat in our backyard, snapped it's neck, but in the process, pierced it's neck and literally was sprayed with rat blood. I wouldn't touch her for 24 hours after her bath. I was horrified.