31 October 2007

You were wondering why I was in the street holding a pumpkin?

It being October and all, we finally had a good real horrible earthquake. Like we wait for all October every year, and it never happens. Unless it is last night!

I was conveniently located under the open old West bar shelving that I had built a few years back in a moment of assuming we will never again have an earthquake with loads of wine glasses and plates just over my head. And they all started rattling then they kept rattling and then they kept rattling and then my legs felt it. Genuine earthquake! Not a warning! Not the dryer rattling the shelves! Or a giant bus! So what do you do?

You panic apeshit panic! Because you remember what the earthquake is going to do which is kill us all while collapsing the house into a heap of splintery debris! So you need dogs and you need to run where it is also dangerous-outside. Forget duck and cover. I need air around me in an earthquake is what I have learned over the years of too many earthquakes.

So I am calling all the dogs as I am running to the back door-not very far if you have been in my house-and one dog cannot hear or apparently FEEL the earthquakes. Timmy is still laying on the floor, in the kitchen, conviniently located to falling wineglasses and plates in the form of impaling shards of glass. Which I should add at this point, are not falling, but that is besides the point. Because the earthquake in my head is different than this actual earthquake. The one in my head already has the ceiling collapsing!

The small dogs all ran to the back door with me, either freaked out by my panicing or the actual earthquake. One of them was not freaked out but being a good dog and coming when I called and I can't remember which one it is. That one would ge t a medal but all I know is it was small and black. Two seemed very freaked out. Timmy is just laying still in the middle of the kitchen, sleeping. Being incredibly brave, I rush back into the kitchen (which in reality is about 2 giant steps from the back door) and valiently SAVE HIM (again, in my mind, the ceiling is collapsing and we are near death) and grab him and run back to the back door.

Where it stops shaking. So I figure we have time to get to the front yard where it is clearly SAFER, fewer roofs and no Giant Not Completely Installed Skylights (oh-you THOUGHT WE HAD A FULLY INSTALLED ROOF???) and no threats of danger out there and neighbors who will also be freaking out at our near deaths.

So through the house we dash, I am carrying Timmy, we are dashing fast to get to the front door (about 4 giant steps from the back door) before the shaking starts again to kill us all. I fling dogs out the front door. The girls across the street are already out in front of their house (they have never even been in ANY earthquake-it is a good thing they can hear from me how One Day They will Kill us All and it is good to get out of our houses into the safe street under Power Lines and potentially falling trees and chimneys. Yes, I am the neighbor you definitely want to spend some post earthquake quality time with) and we have one obstacle still in our way.

Gustavo is completely freaked out by the Halloween Pumpkin Gary has placed on our front porch. Billy the farmer with only 2 fingers due to the fireworks accident gave it to Gary at work. It is on our porch and Gustavo is totally freaking out ala Laura freaks out in an earthquake at the pumpkin. However when I freak out at an earthquake, it is in a way designed to Save Us All and get us out of the house. I never freeze and bark, at least I keep moving. Never stand on the porch and bark at it as if it will be scared and run away-for godssake it is a pumpkin you smalldog bastard, get off the porch! Apparently the last time Gustavo had been on the porch, no pumpkin. Now the next time he is on the porch has been an earthquake and now the dog thinks pumpkins some evil caused by earthquakes? Happy f&*king Halloween to us all is all I can say.

So now I have to also pick up the pumpkin and carry it because the damn dog is not budging til the pumpkin makes the first move and that is how we spent last evening in the front yard for a while, me, the dogs, and the pumpkin.

Final damage report? Um, nothing even fell off a shelf. At all. The internet said a 5.6 earthquake in San Jose-near Power Paws! I reported my findings on the USGS website-they ask us to! I am happy to tell on the earthquake. We must bust them all.


Unknown said...

"We must bust them all..."

Boy, am I ever glad we have a Pumpkin-toting Earthquake Sheriff in town. I feel so much safer!

pluckyfluff said...

fucking earthquakes! i forgot about those! we do not get big earthquakes here...but santa cruz does. i have the deep seeded fear of the earthquake induced sunami coming to get my babies. i think we will still want to live down there....but thinking maybe not so close to the beach.

i am so glad you guys survived!! man...other people plan for emergencies by drawing escape routes and putting water and blankets in the trunk. you have keep your exits clear of pumpkins, forign objects, snacks and squirrels!